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Tales from the Loo: Chile's Attack!!


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#1 texas blues

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Posted 16 August 2009 - 01:13 PM

Hey ya'll. Mention was made in another thread relating to this subject and I deemed it appropos to take it one step further. My little nightmare began night before last whence I decided to do deep fried poppers and deep fried oysters. The poppers were hab and 'peno which I ate more or less on an empty stomach. Bad juju! The orange habs were the hottest I have had and threatened to melt my face off. Had the hiccup 'thang going, nose running and a bit of sweat. All was fine until yesterday morning. I woke up, had a few cups of joe and then took my usual constitution. Every 'thang was groovy and no worries. I then had the brilliant idea of taking some of the leftover poppers and rolling them up in a burrito and topped them with copious amounts of my Notorious Hab sauce. More bad juju! About 15 minutes after consuming 2 popper burrito's, strange goin's on began to happen. It began as a slow deep rumble which triggered a series of popcorn farts much like the exhaust on a Vespa scooter....bip bip bip..rip..rip..vim...voom...this went on for some time and the rumbling increased and the bip bips changed in pitch to more of a bloooooooop...blooooooop. About that time I headed down the hall from my computer desk where I was posting on THP at the time, to The Blues Shitter. As soon as I hit the seat wave upon wave of Mike Tyson like gut punchs began. I was dripping sweat and my ears ringing...wooonnnngg..woooonnggg...woooonngg..and now what began as mere popcorn farts was now a full on monster tsunami of molten magma mud!! The eruption was not subtle ya'll. This was projectile pooping in all it's glory. I had lost all control of my lower nether regions including bladder control as while the hot mud was burning a hole in the porceline and bringing the water in the tank to a boil, I began pissing pure napalm like a flamethrower into a WWII Japanese bunker. The crescendo only increased and my ears were now like blaring klaxon's on a navy destroyer..ahhooooogah!...ahooooogah! I was losing all track of time during this nightmare from hell so don't know how long I was in there close to losing consciousness. After what seemed an eternity the intensity began to subside until the molten magma became a slow trickle. My first attempt with the toilet paper was just that...an attempt. The paper could have been made out of icecream but it still didn't stop it from self combusting and bursting into flames before even touching my butt. Being a typical man, I have enough hair on my derriere to knit a Navajo rug and the smell of rancid burning singed hair was amazingly awful. After more wailing and gnashing of teeth, the pain and heat subsided and I was finally able to finish my 'bidness. Oh...but this was not over by a long shot. There was the still the lingering stench unleashed by my hunan hole which was so thick it was bogging down the fart fan. A fog much like a belching diesel truck filled The Blues Shitter. I began to panic about opening the door to escape when all manner of scenario's began going through my mind...BDA or Battle Damage Assessment: Blast zone radius of 1.4 miles from ground zero. Casualties: 14,000 killed. 42,000 wounded. 250,000 homeless. 6 billion in property damage......mrs. blues has swine flu and can't smell anything so I reckoned she would be immune. My pup missylou has been around this circumstance often enough to have developed special antibodies and doggy blood sera to combat the acid rain permeating the atmosphere. I opened the door and quickly slipped out and slammed the door shut hoping that the meager walls and door would be an adequate containment field for the hazardous biowaste.
Unfortunately, I returned to the Tour Du Toilet' several more times, each time a little less intensity but enough to worry about the china syndome factor much like a Chernobyl meltdown where the nuclear core melts its way through the core of earth to china.

Well ya'll, I have since recovered enough to function well enough. The sad 'thang is I am destined to repeat the whole scenario in the future who know's how many times. It just goes with the territory.

So ya'll...you got a story? Have you been assaulted in the can? Did anyone make it out alive other than you? This is the thread to spill it in all of it's majesty. Don't be embarrassed....it's only chile's.

'Lawd have mercy! This is the most outrageous thread I've started on THP! Pray for me....

Salute', TB.


#2 JayT

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Posted 16 August 2009 - 01:21 PM

Bwahahahahaha!!! I laughed the whole way through this one! Excellent TB!:lol: :clap:

#3 N_FF

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Posted 16 August 2009 - 02:06 PM

iv had that same experience with hab poppers.... indeed it's like releasing the flood gates. no stopping it once its started.

#4 Jabberwocky

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Posted 16 August 2009 - 03:19 PM

Hab poppers almost did me in a week or so ago. I was driving home 'the morning after' after taking my kids to the pool, my stomach dropped like a stone, and my starfish began twitching. I needed to fart but dare not in case I 'followed through'.
Sweating like a pig, the 15 minute drive home was torturous, especially on the awful bumpy country roads here in Ireland.

I pulled into the driveway like the General Lee, undid the seatbelt so my kids could get out, opened the front door, threw the keys at my lad telling him to 'lock the doors' (he's only 5) and minced up the stairs, bum clenched, humming the 'keep the poo in' dum-de-dum tune.

Got there just in time and redecorated the bowl. I swear the paint in our bathroom has changed colour since that fateful morning.
Come on Burrrrnnn-ley!

#5 Diablo

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Posted 16 August 2009 - 04:13 PM

Great one. I feel your pain brother.

I have since learned, do not mix greasy food with chili. Just don't do it else you suffer raging fire ass. As opposed to regular fire ass that passes a little more quickly with less residual fallout.
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#6 patrick

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Posted 16 August 2009 - 05:00 PM

So that's what that funk was. I thought the damn rendering plant was working overtime.

Good one TB.
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is Tarantulas

#7 imaguitargod

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 09:19 AM

This thread is worthless without pictures.......





















just kidding guys :lol:

#8 texas blues

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Posted 17 August 2009 - 05:40 PM

Hmmm..didn't think to take pics. Maybe next time and also with SMELLOVISION!!

Salute', TB.


#9 N_FF

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Posted 18 August 2009 - 11:29 AM

eather that or when you just let that semi smooth squirt out and it sticks to the back of the bowl you then have to flush 3 times just to dislodge the thing.

#10 QuadShotz

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Posted 18 August 2009 - 01:15 PM

LMAO!

Ugh, I gotta hangover..dont make me laff while eating the habs 'n eggs on Baguette ....

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dat's pryceless mate.

#11 JayT

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Posted 18 August 2009 - 05:07 PM

eather that or when you just let that semi smooth squirt out and it sticks to the back of the bowl you then have to flush 3 times just to dislodge the thing.


Now that's just plain nasty! :lol:

#12 texas blues

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Posted 18 August 2009 - 07:24 PM

eather that or when you just let that semi smooth squirt out and it sticks to the back of the bowl you then have to flush 3 times just to dislodge the thing.


Who needs to flush. When the fit hit the shan and the water, the chemical reaction was so horrendous it exploded into a cloud of pure sulphuric acid. Worries of any cockroaches around the house are over!

Salute', TB.


#13 SumOfMyBits

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Posted 18 August 2009 - 07:29 PM

Ah! This thread is like watching a recorded train wreck in slow motion with even slower motion action highlights.

#14 texas blues

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Posted 18 August 2009 - 07:36 PM

Ah! This thread is like watching a recorded train wreck in slow motion with even slower motion action highlights.


Scatalogical humor ages slowly....like fine wine. Taste it too soon, it'll taste like crap. Taste it after years of mellowing softly, it still tastes like crap....only mellower and aged. Yep...thats how I like my crap....mellow.

Salute', TB.


#15 JayT

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Posted 18 August 2009 - 08:49 PM

Something tells me after reading your original post that your crap is anything but mellow...

#16 texas blues

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Posted 18 August 2009 - 08:53 PM

Something tells me after reading your original post that your crap is anything but mellow...


Depends on the vintage. This year is turning out to be a bad year.

Salute', TB.


#17 TXCG

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Posted 18 August 2009 - 08:59 PM

OMG TB that is classic.

I got one for ya:

Last year AJ sent me about half a ton of various super hots and other goodies, so I felt it was my duty to try a piece of each and every one of them. After working my way through the fatalii, red savina, and random e-bay bhuts & what not, I decided to eat a chocolate habanero. Whole. I poppped that sucker in my mouth and it was damned hot, but nothing unbearable and tasted great. Well, apparently there is some discord in opinion between my mouth & stomach, because my stomach seemed none too thrilled about my decision. It started off kinda warm, then it got kinda hot, then it felt like it had a small fire inside, then it felt like said fire had a knife and was trying to cut its way out. About then my stomach decided to tap out and send this back the way it came in. Turns out the chocolate hab was down just long enough for my stomach acid to suck out a bit of capsaicin so that all the splash back caused my face and eyes to start burning. So at this point i'm wandering around with snot running down my face, crying, red eyed and cant see, but with a huge smile cause my stomach no longer hurts.

First thought: "That was awesome, lets do it again!"

So I did. Except I had learned a bit of respect for these peppers, so this time I decided to eat a full meal and only try a slice of pepper. My choice: Trinidad Scorpion. I picked out the gnarliest, pointest sucker I could find and chopped me off a piece about the size of my thumbnail, but I made sure it was right on one of the veins. I commenced to munch on it and holy hell it lit my ass up like a Great White concert. My mouth has never burned so good, but I was loving it. Then the gut fired the first warning shot....kinda grumbling. Thats when I started feeling that old familiar pressure with the building burn..."Surely I didn't eat enough to puke again" I thought. I was right. I hadn't eaten enough to puke, I had eaten enough to puke while simultaneously shooting a brown beam out my arse so fast I thought it would crack the porcelain. I have no idea how long I sat on the shitter with my face in a bucket on the verge of blacking out, but once it finally eased up I felt so high off endorphins it was unreal. Colors even seemed brighter and more vibrant for a few minutes...

I saved seeds from that bastard, and I can't wait for my scorpion to finally fruit!

Sobriety certainly is good, i try to save it for special occasions though.


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#18 lostmind

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Posted 18 August 2009 - 10:21 PM

O
M
G

LOL AWESOME!

I have been TB's position a few times. Usually occurs when I think the coast is clear too... have your morning ritual... get ready for work... just as you're ready to head out the door... BOOM! RUNNING BACK UPSTAIRS TO THE TOILET!!! haha

#19 texas blues

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Posted 23 August 2009 - 02:10 PM

I will never learn. Cranked up the heat in last night's chix tortilla's. Finishing off the remainder right now. The toxic rumblings have begun and the VC in the wire of my bowels are executing with extreme prejudice. I have a HAZMAT team standing by on speed dial and may need to call in reinforcements. Ears buzzing a little, gettin' a little ho......gotta' run!

Sapooh', TB.


#20 texas blues

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Posted 23 August 2009 - 03:14 PM

Disaster averted. Currently wearing Shamwow diaper.



Salute', TB.





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