Perhaps some of you have seen this e-mail, but I truly busted a gut when I read it, enjoy:
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster, who recently was visiting Texas.
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in
Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do
it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
JUDGE THREE: Holy smoke, what the heak is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
JUDGE THREE: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra
beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
JUDGE THREE: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting drunk.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
JUDGE THREE: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;
that 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
JUDGE THREE: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
It really offends me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
JUDGE THREE: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Bar
Maid Sally. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. Judge Number 3 appears to be in a bit of distress, cursing
uncontrollably.
JUDGE THREE: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four-inch
hole in my stomach
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster, who recently was visiting Texas.
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in
Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do
it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
JUDGE THREE: Holy smoke, what the heak is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
JUDGE THREE: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra
beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
JUDGE THREE: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting drunk.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
JUDGE THREE: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;
that 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
JUDGE THREE: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
It really offends me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
JUDGE THREE: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Bar
Maid Sally. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. Judge Number 3 appears to be in a bit of distress, cursing
uncontrollably.
JUDGE THREE: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four-inch
hole in my stomach
