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Mothers birthday

AJ Drew

AJ Drew

Saturday was my mothers birthday.  She is 85 and has been living with us since no longer able to climb stairs.  She wanted bloody Marry so she got bloody Marry and she bot bloody drunk.  Wife decided to join her and got southern comfort.  They are all laughing and doing the I love you man thing, dogs go f**king crazy outside.  No clue why so I go look.

Find nothing, gotta pee.  Its Kentucky and it is night time, so I pee on the lawn.  Oh shit, didn't wash hands after making dinner.  Moruga oils on my penis.  Owch.  Something scampers past me, dogs chase it and knock me to the ground.  Pissed all over myself.  Getting up, dogs running back towards me.  Now on hands and knees trying to get up.  It is a skunk, I get sprayed, I grab my eyes.  Now my junk is on fine, my eyes are on fire, I smell like skunk, I have pissed all over myself, and damn it is hard to breathe when you just got skunked.

I get inside and want to use the tomato juice to get rid of some of the smell.  Wife and mother, still drunk, wont hear of it cause that is my mother's mix.  Nor will they go to store cause they are drunk.  They want me, skunked, pissed on, unable to open my eyes, and with my penis on fire to drive to the store and get my own damn tomato juice.

Daughter is in the bathroom as I am trying to get to the shower.  I am screaming, my penis is on fire I need the shower threw the door.  Wife brings me some bread.  I tell her, it is my penis that is on fire not my mouth.  She brings me a cup of milk.

With all the screaming for me to take my skunk stink outside, I wound up on the drive way hosing off.  Put hose down pants and just kind of laid there on the driveway with cold water running into my crotch.  It was right about then that the neighbors showed up to wish my mother a happy birthday.
 
I know it's bad to laugh at other peoples pain so I apologize but i just went through a 5 minute teary-eyed, couldn't breathe, fit of laughter thanks to your post. I swear you can't make this stuff up. Hope you're feeling better.
 
The Hot Pepper said:
I don't know if I believe this one. :lol:
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Ya this story is a far cry from the dude I pictured doing his gardening from a skateboard or whatever it was.
 
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ajdrew said:
I am rolling here.  That and trying to figure out a facade that could come friend and team up with them.  Not sure I could manage it without giving myself away.
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Heckle said:
You scooted outside to sit and piss on the lawn?
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Wha?  I went outside to see what the dogs were barking about.  I do scoot a lot but I dont think I did that night.  Maybe.  On peeing outdoors, got three females living here.  There is another bathroom in basement, but I am really horrible at climbing stairs.  I pee outdoors a lot.

Heckle said:
 
The words of someone already doing it. ;)
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My life is even weirder than the tales I share.  Its kind of like Blair's reserve.  You save the good stuff for late.
 
ajdrew said:
Wha?  I went outside to see what the dogs were barking about.  I do scoot a lot but I dont think I did that night.  Maybe.  On peeing outdoors, got three females living here.  There is another bathroom in basement, but I am really horrible at climbing stairs.  I pee outdoors a lot.
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lol, i just didnt know you were getting around better now
 
Thanks for the laughs!! And nothing wrong with peeing outside- this makes me remember peeing out my bedroom window when I was like 10. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, have to pee, far too much effort to walk down hallway (especially during cold/winter + plus have to turn on light which totally screws ‘zombie/half-asleep’ mode up!)….so I’d just scurry to the window, lift & let it loose!! I even remember laughing out loud a few times at the steam that would sometimes be let off when it was really cold. :lol:   Hope my parents didn’t ever hear the random laughter in the middle of the night!
 
Pretty sure every guy has some story like this..from youngster...till today. It's in our dna.  :crazy:
 
Heckle said:
 
lol, i just didnt know you were getting around better now
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Yep, the casts are off both legs and the surgery parts are all closed up.  I cant stay on them very long, but I dont need the gimp mobile at Walmart anymore.  Well, not all the time.  Biggest issue now are stairs.  Going down on my heals is fine, up puts weight forward and I often fall on my face.  The garden is a much better place for me than indoors.  I fall less and even when I do, dirt is much softer than the hardwood floors. 
Alchymystic said:
 this makes me remember peeing out my bedroom window when I was like 10.
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My grandfather claimed the same but he grew up in Brooklyn and lived on like the 10th floor.
 
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