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Three  little ducks go into a Bar..............................     "Say,  what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.   "Huey,"  was the reply.   "How's  your day been, Huey?"   "Great.  Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a  duck want?" said...

Signs       On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :  "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels" On a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip.  Call your plumber.." Pizza Shop Slogan: "7...

CHINESE PROVERBS (old ones but still funny)       Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.      Man who run in front of car get tired.      Man who run behind car get exhausted.      Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.      Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright...

The Meaning of Life in 13 Words Inside every older person Is a younger person wondering What the fuck happened.

The fishing trip Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated. The following week when Dave's...

SANTA'S TREE When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more...

GRANDMAS DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING...... Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the...

Pants vs Panties Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and...

Speaking of Senior Moments ‘WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?’ The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was. ‘Ma'am,’ said the newspaper employee, ‘today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.’...

Seniors on a Little Road Trip While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them...

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse...

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon Says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

Trip to the race track A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom...

11 People on a Rope Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman...

NEW SUNBURN TREATMENT: This sounds like a good procedure to relieve the pain. A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree...

Colonoscopy All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. 'I should be in charge,' said the brain , 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.' 'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'Because I circulate...

I think you all can appreciate this one... I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas..... The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

THE WRONG LESSONS IN GOLF A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she...

Bubba Had Shingles Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba: Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him...

Texas Cop My kind of Deputy!!! A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to...