A pretty funny review

I recently saw this review of our DM-MKII. Even though the stuff has been discontinued, it's still available in certain places. Anyway, enjoy the read, I definitely cracked up most of the way through it:

Well, Saturday while we were in Fredericksburg, we went to that hot sauce shop. The one that has all the hot sauces and bbq sauces and jellies and jams for you to try and buy. Anyone that's been in there knows that the hottest of the hot stuff is towards the back of the store. It has warnings all around and such telling you how hot the stuff in that area is. I love hot sauces. I grew up eating jalapenos, squash peppers, habaneros and other peppers. With that being said, I'm not a glutton for pain. I don't like something just because it is hot. I like peppers for their flavor along with garlic, salt, etc.

So my girlfriend and I stopped and got a cup of coffee. Then we left the coffee shop for the hot sauce store and were at that hot section of the store. I saw this hot sauce called "Defcon".

It said on the bottle, "Also known as Deathmatch Mark 2, this product is the hottest non-collector sauce we make, ranking in at about 500,000 SHU. It is one of the main ingredients used in our well-known Deathmatch wing-eating contests. This product is incredibly hot, and many use it as an additive to recipes as opposed to eating it straight. It is much darker in color than our other sauces, so you wonÂ’t get it confused with our other products. Use with care, and prepare for an almost mythical endorphin rush."

So I'm looking at it and noticed nobody had tried it. There was one of them small 1 oz plastic sampling cups with the sauce in it. That was my first clue because most of the other sauces had larger sample cups. Secondly, it was as dark as the brown cowboy hat I was wearing. Figuring it was hotter than a $2 whore on Saturday night, I took one of them small wheat crackers and dipped about half of it in that sauce while several other folks looked on.

There is that split second that seems like an eternity. Kind of like Jodie Foster in that science fiction movie, Contact, where she dropped in that big ball thingy for a second but in her time inside the ball, it seemed like ages. That was the way it went when that cracker and hot sauce first entered my mouth. It hadn't touched my tongue or anything but the fumes assaulted me like my drunk ex-mother-in-law on Thanksgiving. I knew within the split second from that cracker and hot sauce entering my mouth and me letting go of the cracker that something just outright terrible was about to happen. It was like hours passed as I waited for that hot sauce to make contact with my quivering tongue.

It was like God had hit me in the head with a sledgehammer. Flashes of light, couldn't breathe but stood there like a man and tried my best not to curl in a fetal position and cry like a baby. I took a sip of my cup of HOT coffee and then, before I could think twice, I had grabbed Karen's cup of ice cappuccino whatever and sucked it down faster than a ex-wife spends an alimony check.

That was where things got interesting. You see, I fared relatively well. The burning eventually stopped as did my profuse sweating. But, a couple of the yuppie folks from Austin couldn't help but comment. One lady asked how hot it was. I said it was hot enough to melt the shoes off a horse. Her husband for some reason took that as a challenge. He grabbed one of them little crackers and spooned about a teaspoon of that Defcon Satan's sweaty nut sack hot sauce on it. He plopped it in his mouth and that was when reality proved what a b!tch it can be.

First his face turned red. Redder than an apple on a fire engine. I could tell he had stopped breathing. I would have offered him something to drink but I had already drank my coffee, Karen's coffee, some 6 yr old girl's water and the milk from a baby's bottle that I snatched out of his stroller. So I'm watching that yuppie fella and I couldn't be sure, but I was thinking he actually started turning purplish black.

While I was watching Mr. Yuppie, another character who had been watching came up with his wife. His wife said "It can't be that hot". About that time that victim took a spoon full of the molten lava on a cracker. He tried to spit it out within about a second but his mouth wasn't working. I know because my face was still numb from my encounter. The sauce just kind of dribbled down his chin while his eyes shot tears out like a horny toad shooting blood. He doubled over and opened his mouth just hoping that stuff would fall out since he couldn't spit. Meanwhile, Mr. Yuppie has a couple of bottles of water his wife grabbed. I don't know how much he actually drank because he was pouring it all over his face. I chalked it up to the numb face syndrome.

The manager came over because of all the commotion. She told me "That is the way it usually starts. One person takes a taste then a couple of others gotta do it but they always take a bigger bite than the first guy."

At this point, she became a crisis worker. If that woman was a hostage negotiator, she'd talk the bad guys out every time. She started calmly talking to both of them fellas that were now doubled over, red as all git out and sweating all over the place. She said "It's ok. The burn will be gone in about 15 minutes. Just breathe and take it slow."

She gave them some pecan butter to put in their mouth. They got the butter in after the third or fourth tries because they still couldn't feel their faces. Their wives were just standing there talking and trying to figure out what happened.

One of them turned to me and said "Why didn't hit hurt you like that?"

I said "I live in west Texas and I know not to step off the porch before I know what's in the grass."

I left while both of them fellas cried and poured water down their throats.
 
Tis hot I use it with Defcon 1 - I wouldnt want to try it solo :mouthonfire: -- Defcon Satan's sweaty nut sack hot sauce - Could be a new title for a Death Match sauce in the future :rofl: :rofl:
 
THAT was freakin' hilarious, Defcon - thanks for sharing! I'd guess that Fredericksburg to be the one in TX - sounds like it from all the bravado pouring out there. The local hot shop here only carries Defcon 1 - it's definitely not in Tejas!
 
It's pretty hot, but a cracker covered in the stuff shouldn't hurt anyone... They wouldn't fare so well on this site :)
 
That was a great review! Of course he only talked about the heat, nothing of the taste that you get for a nanosecond before being run over my the train that is DM MKII. I sure wish I could find another bottle of that stuff. I love it added to my wing sauce.
 
That was a great review! Of course he only talked about the heat, nothing of the taste that you get for a nanosecond before being run over my the train that is DM MKII. I sure wish I could find another bottle of that stuff. I love it added to my wing sauce.
There are still a few bottles floating around out there. It's become somewhat of a treasure hunt now. I get asked all the time where the remaining bottles are, and honestly don't know, but every once in a while someone finds one and let's me know.
 
There are still a few bottles floating around out there. It's become somewhat of a treasure hunt now. I get asked all the time where the remaining bottles are, and honestly don't know, but every once in a while someone finds one and let's me know.

Think you'll ever make it again?
 
Think you'll ever make it again?
Probaly not, but you never know. Have you tried the MKIII yet? It's a bit different then the MKII. To be honest, the MKII was quite expensive to make, and the prices of some of the ingredients we used have gone up considerably since we discontinued it.
 
I still have my bottle of MKII and a new oottle of MKIII not even opened yet...

the last guy that told me "You can't make it too hot for me" took a tablespoon and sucked it down...I warned him but his bravado and machismo got the best of him...that was 10 in the morning the day of a huge party out at the ranch and I never saw him again that whole weekend...someone said he left telling every one my parents weren't married and something about sunny beaches...

great review from that guy...thanks for sharing Creator...

by the way....the name of that place in Fredericksburg is Russlin' Robs....great place..each time I go to Luckenbach, the wife and I always stop in for a snack...and let me tell you...that honey butter is awesome...

http://www.rustlinrobs.com/
 
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