I hate it as much as anyone else when people forward the same batches of jokes and humorous observations that have been going around the internet since 1997. But here are a new bunch I've never seen before, and several are hilarious:
* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
* I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
* There is a great need for sarcasm font.
* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
* I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
* Was learning cursive really necessary?
* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
* I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an a**hole from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
* While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
* MapQuest, Yahoo! Maps or Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
* They also need an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option on their maps.
* Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies".
* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
* Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
* I wonder if cops ever get pi $$ ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
* Bad decisions make good stories
* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
* If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....
* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
* "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this, ever.
* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
* I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
* I like all of the music in my iTunes/iPod, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
* I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
* I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.
* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
* I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
* There is a great need for sarcasm font.
* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
* I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
* Was learning cursive really necessary?
* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
* I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an a**hole from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
* While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
* MapQuest, Yahoo! Maps or Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
* They also need an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option on their maps.
* Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies".
* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
* Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
* I wonder if cops ever get pi $$ ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
* Bad decisions make good stories
* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
* If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....
* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
* "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this, ever.
* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
* I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
* I like all of the music in my iTunes/iPod, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
* I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
* I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.
