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An Australian, an American and an Irishman walk into a bar, the barman says "what is this, some kind of joke? ".  :rofl:
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30 after work.

His wife screams at him while his friend sits and listens in.

“My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?”

Calmly the husband replies, “Because he’s thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo.”
Knock knock.....
Who's there?
Atch Who?
bless you!
One fine Sunday afternoon a kentucky wildcat fan is driving through the countryside when he sees a pastor walking along the road.  He slows down and asks if the man needs a ride into town.  The pastor gladly accepts when he sees the UK gear.  It turns out they both bleed blue.  As they make their way down the winding rural road they reminisce about classic games and get somewhat carried away with all of the fun they are having... suddenly a Louisville cardinal fan, decked out in his game-day gear, bumbles out into the road..... the driver swerves and narrowly avoids hitting the cardinal fan crossing the road.      "OH MY GOD!!! Did you see that father??!? I almost hit that man!!!"                                  The pastor turns to him with a wry grin and says, "Don't worry... I got him with the door!"
A 10-year-old girl was walking home alone from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” says the girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” says the girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist doesn’t give up, pulls up beside her again and says, “Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 bucks and a big bag of candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out, “Look Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley, like I wanted. GO RIDE IT ALONE!”
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up; stood beside the little boy; and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning. Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”

The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,”Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?”


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Rymerpt said:
If a cat bully pushed another cat on the playground would he call him a pussy?
No, he'd call him a chicken.  :rofl:

In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
​ ​
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
​ ​
As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.

I still don't think I looked that bad!
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she
isn't talking to me for a month!".

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing.
You know, a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day".