Gift Tips
Whenever you open a non-liquor gift, loudly proclaim, “Oh, great, how the f*ck am I supposed to drink this?”
They’ll know what to get you next year.
If you’re forced to go to your employee Christmas party, always try to blackout.
Because no one wants to spend their Christmas vacation knowing for sure they got fired.
If you buy a bottle of liquor as a gift and accidentally drink half of it, just tell the giftee it’s a bottle and a personality test.
If he says it’s half full, he’s an optimist. If he says it’s half empty, he’s a dick.
If you receive three cocktail shakers every Christmas, you are a drunkard.
If you receive ten, get ready for an intervention.
Pine needles steeped in a bottle of vodka makes for an excellent gift.
Because, trust me, you sure as hell won’t want to drink it.
Don’t worry if you hate wrapping presents, because your favorite store provides free gift wrapping.
Just give the brown bag a little twist around the neck of the bottle and hey! All done!
Ironically enough, if you give your favorite bartender a bartending guide as a present he will not give you a free drink for at least a month.
Nor will your significant other appreciate a copy of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Sex.”
If money is tight, improvise your gifts.
Believe it or not, a note stuffed inside an empty bottle of liquor makes for an excellent present. Because when they smash the bottle so they can read the note and it says, “This is the historic bottle the Rat Pack shared on the eve of their first appearance on stage at The Sands in Las Vegas--I bought in on eBay for $112,000” they’ll get to think, “Wow, for a second there I was pretty rich.”
Family Gatherings
Don’t freak out if it’s your turn bring the Christmas Turkey to a family gathering.
Just make sure you buy the one-liter family-sized bottle so there’s enough to go around.
After eight of your “these-are-for-daddies-only” eggnogs, try to refrain from telling your children you are going to shoot Santa off the roof of your house when he lands.
While their shrieks of terror may seem funny at the time, it will directly affect the quality of nursing home you will be eventually shipped off to.
If your niece or nephew asks why your eggnog smells funny, tell them you added some “special warming juice.”
If they ask you if you’re cold, tell them, “No, but I might be while waiting in the bushes for Santa and Rudolph to show up so I can shoot them off the roof.”
Your father’s good Scotch is hidden either in the cupboard above the refrigerator or in the hall closet behind the junk box.
If he’s really crafty, it’ll be at the bottom of the clothes hamper in the laundry room.
If your more religious relatives try to pin you down about your drinking habits at a family gathering, always tell them, “Hope you don’t mind, but I’m gonna keep prayin’ for ya!”
For some reason it drives them crazy.
Holiday Fun and Games
If you and your buddies must drive around winging snowballs at winos, at least pack the snowballs around little airplane bottles of liquor.
This way they’ll tell people, “Yeah, Santa exists, but he’s a mean motherfucker.”
If you’re drunk enough, heckling Christmas carolers will seem about the coolest thing in the world.
Especially if you can get them to cry.
The Salvation Army is an anti-alcohol organization, so don’t feel guilty about not giving any money to that goddamn wino jangling a bell at you.
Just tell him you play for the other team.
If your spouse asks you to make a New Years Resolution to not drink for the rest of the year, promise her you’ll do it.
You’ll find it a lot easier to keep if you make the resolution at 11:59pm on New Year’s Eve.
Spread the holiday cheer by going to your favorite bar dressed as Santa Claus.
Because nobody under-pours Santa. Nobody.
Christmas Spirits
During the holidays you are allowed to drink all the mint schnapps you want without feeling like a sorority girl.
Peach schnapps is still forbidden.
If you suspect your loved ones are going to spring a holiday intervention on you, make sure you pre-spike at least two cartons of eggnog.
Interventions can be pretty fun if you’re loaded.
You can’t get drunk on rum cake.
But don’t let that stop you from telling your 13-year-old nephew that it’ll get him “wicked hammered,” so long as he eats the entire cake in fifteen minutes.
If you’re going to travel during the holidays, be aware that you can no longer bring alcohol onto the airplane.
Unless you hide it in your bloodstream.
No matter how stressed you get, always try to be full of Christmas cheer.
They sell it down at the liquor store, $14.99 a bottle.
—Frank Kelly Rich
