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Mixed feelings & Family commitment

AJ Drew

AJ Drew

Long story made short.  My mother came to live with us after knee and back surgery.  She could no longer climb stairs or drive a car and my brother, who lived in her area, was about useless.  That was eight years ago.

About a year ago, lost part of my left foot.  It was followed by surgery after surgery, cast after cast, today things are touch and go down there.  Doctor is talking to me about taking off part of the right.  I manage, it is OK.  In fact, the challenges have made my immediate family much closer.  Thing is, my mother is now miserable because I just can no longer provide the care she needs.

Used to be, she would wake up on weekday mornings to omelets made with farm fresh eggs, home made cheese, fresh peppers and tomato.  Now, I gotta take pain pills to make toast and coffee.  So we are scoping out assisted living for her and I feel like utter shit.

It's the right thing right? 
 
I work in the Assisted Living industry as the CRD(Community Relations Director). There is nothing wrong placing your mom in a nice assisted living community. I talk with families every day about making these kinds of important decisions with their loved ones. And as it becomes more difficult for a family to give them the proper care this is where a good assisted living community comes into play. In fact we are considering having my mother move into the community where I work this year. She is 90, independent, still drives, mentally sharp but has fallen a couple times this last year. My sister just moved out and she is alone. She is a very social person and a community would be a safer place for her to live at this age than by herself alone in her home. 
 
Also do not feel guilty for thinking about placing her in assisted living. What I see happening with families is the relationship with each other gets better when they move into assisted living. They become independent again back to being the parent and not like a child living under your roof. I see this and hear this from families all the time and it causes so many problems for the parent/child relationship. 
 
We placed my mother in law in assisted living 9 years ago and she passed away last year. She lived a really nice life and made lots of friends in her community and was loved by the staff and residents. Our family was not able to provide the care she needed 24/7 that Assisted Living provides.
 
My dad recently moved in with us. He's 87 and has dementia. We've hired someone to come in during the day to cook, assist, etc... while we're at work. That helps a lot. We have someone on weekends too, so we can go get things done, escape, whatever.
 
If/when it gets to the point where that doesn't work, we'll have to look at assisted living, nursing home, etc... whatever best works for him at the time.
 
Eight years.  My hat is off to you.  My 88 year old mom came to live with us two years ago.  I work and my wife stays at home so most of the care-taking falls on her like doctor appointments, beauty salon, etc.  I agree with 10/6 lots of factors to consider including financial and quality of care.  Good luck.
 
AJ do you really need to put her in a home or can you hire someone to come in the morning to help w bfast?
 
Is it just bfast or do you need more help in general?
 
It always makes me feel less than when I can't provide the way I feel like I should, or used to.
 
 
Man I see you on here, doing what you can to the BEST of your ability to take care of EVERYONE else!!!! That, my man, is a selfless person. One who thinks more of others than themselves. It seems to me, through your posts and whatnot, that you have a very big heart with giant helping hands to follow. 
 
Sometimes I gotta take care of me. Taking care of me also allows me to be better able to help other people.
 
Maybe you can get by with having someone come in to help with meals until you can get your other foot sorted out. Maybe you can't. All I know is that it seems like AJ needs some time to take care of him.
 
Putting a loved one in assisted care is painful. But, I have to think, does this help them more than it hurts me? Are they going to get better quality care by this? What are my motives? I know you're not trying to get rid of your momma, you want her to get the care you think she needs and deserves, and that my friend is true love. Knowing my limitations and when to ask for help is a sign of strength. 
 
 
AJ it appears that you do the things you do because you are motivated with love. Not just for your family but you can see the love you have for the human race through your posts. I have confidence that whatever you choose to do everything will turn out the way it should because you have care, concern, fortitude and the wherewithal to make the best out of whatever comes your way.
 
I don't tell too many people this kind of stuff dude but when my father died he didn't even want me at his funeral because of the way I was and the things I did to him in my active addiction. Now my mom has the same cancer that's also spread all over her body like him. I see this post and it hits real close to home and I know that you wouldn't ever do something of this magnitude unless you felt that it was absolutely necessary.
 
Good luck in making your decision and remember that sometimes the helkper also needs help.
 
 
Rex
 
My $.02:

It's about quality of care for your mother.

It's about quality of care for yourself and family.

If you are unable to provide the standard of care that your mother needs, then you're doing the absolutely correct thing in seeking alternatives that can provide her with that quality of care.

You can't beat yourself up about it it is what it is. It's coming from a place of love, not an unwillingness to deal with it. You understand your own limitations and that, in turn, has limited what you can do for others.

So in a sense you're still providing care for her by arranging it rather than doing it yourself. Maybe you find an assisted living situation, or maybe you can afford in-home care. Either way it's still coming from a place of love - so you're doing the right thing.

Good luck
:cheers:
 
AJ, it's a hard decision to make because we want to take care of our families. We had to go through this with my wife's paternal grandmother and recently with her maternal grandmother. Don't beat your self up brother, given what your facing and what your going to be going through your probably not going to be up to providing that daily level of care she needs. Shoot, your probably going to be hard pressed just taking care of yourself till you heal up some. I had surgery on my right foot back in November and haven't been able to put any weight on it since and still have another month to go. With what your talking about hang done it sounds like your going to be in a similar position.  
 
 Your realization and acceptance of those facts and talking to her about it and about her moving into assisted living only shows your commitment to taking care of her. I think it will also allow you to spend more quality time with her as opposed to caring time, visiting, perhaps when your more able after your procedures are done and your healing you can take her out to dinner or for a picnic at a nice park. Those are the quality things that y'all will turn into cherished memories of your time together. 
 
I'll be praying for you brother, find her a good place.
 
+++ to what everyone has said.  Look at a helper coming in daily (maybe they can give a little help to you as well as Mom), if that doesn't work or isn't enough, finding a place that can take care of her is what she needs.  And you can still visit all the time, taker her out for ice cream, bring her over for family gatherings....it's not like once she's in her room at the Home she can't go out.   
 
(wait a minute....I saw something like that in a movie!  Something about a hockey player had to play golf, grandma got put into a home and made to sew for 10 hours a day.... )  Just Kidding!
 
My grandmother had Alzheimers, the family hired 24 hr in-home care, but eventually it got to the point where Grandma would get up in the middle of the night while the caregiver was sleeping and try to cook something and burn it all.  The family (my dad and his 2 sisters) decided it was time for a move.  Grandma went to a very nice home that had a specialized Alzheimer patients wing.  Dad would travel about 35 miles (one way) every sunday to take Grandma out for a drive, a burger, ice cream...whatever...for as long as Grandma was able to get out.  Even after Grandma couldn't get out and about, Dad went up to visit regularly.
 
As has been said, recognizing your limitation is as important for care as actually providing care.  Who knows?  Maybe in a few months or a year, if Mom is still able and you are recovered, maybe she can come back.
 
Good Luck, it's a tough decision.  
 
Thank you all for the support.  Still feel like shit but feels better to know other reasonable adults get it.  I think I am in part missing what it was like when I was more of a male version of Suzy Homemaker.  Getting old sucks.

 
 
Ultimately you have to be happy with and own your decision...

However the bad thing isn't putting her in a home, it's putting her in a home and not visiting. You can usually pick them up mid afternoon bring her home for supper (or whatever) and take her back for bedtime.

I was a full time (night time) caregiver for my grandmother. I did that for three years and it was isolating and probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do - and I've been homeless.

Home health care may be less expensive and may stave off some of those heart rending feelings.

Maybe It feels like giving up - but it isn't. You haven't failed, you gave everything you have - even half of one foot and maybe part of the other So you could keep her near by and cared for. That's to be commended sir! That is 8 years of victory.
 
I've been there.  My mother got dementia.  My brother and I took care of her as long as we could.  We had to do everything for her,  dressing, bathing, meals, for years.
It got to be too much for us, and finally had to put her in a assisted living/dementia home.  It was very close to our home, so between the 3 of her children, she was visited
almost everyday. We did take her out to eat, and sometimes home for lunch. On holidays we took her home for the whole day.
 
You have to do what's best for the both of you.  Try not to feel guilty, you did your best.  You have to take care of yourself too.
 
Jss, home care is out.  Been there, done that.  Now she is on a list and home care wont come to the house.  I thought it was entertaining.  The nurse did not.

Roper, thanks that is exactly it except I could probably still manage if I could get around better myself. 
 
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