Disclaimer: Incoherent rambling and cursing to follow.
So, once more I subject myself to the sadomasochistic pain of growing peppers in Canada. Not just growing peppers in Canada, but 'me' growing peppers in Canada. The universe has repeatedly informed me that this will not happen, but have I ever been one to take a hint? NO, NOT I!
I see this frozen wasteland in the middle of the plains and I say to myself, "Self, what does this whore-mother of a country need? Why, it needs some desert plants! MORE DESERT PLANTS! Not even tropical, just something right from the middle of some f**king desert. That is what I WILL FORCE TO GROW HERE THROUGH SHEER FORCE OF WILL!"
For those who have not followed along with my adventures from the beginning, peppers have not been kind to me. I think I may have finally exceeded the point where I can count on two hands the homegrown peppers I've eaten however.
Between short growing seasons, aphids, poor weather, aphids, rain, aphids, droughts, aphids, mice, aphids, and crazy neighbours with lawnmowers (under mind control by aphids), my plants die more often than Scottish guys running around with swords to Queen soundtracks.
This year... This year, I outsmart them. You see, the minions of the saucer people expect me to plant outside, and in the summer. Well, they'd like that, WOULDN'T THEY?! But I say nay nay, this year... this year I grow inside! In the fall, through the winter, never exposed to the destructive elements of the outside world! Like those unfortunate strippers who disappeared, which I have no knowledge of, my plants shall know nothing except the four walls of my basement!
Now I know what you're about to say... "But Wulf, are you sure your med dosage is correct?" Followed immediately by, "That's a stupid plan. And you're stupid for doing it. Stupidhead."
Be that as it may, I am sick, sick, SICK of watching my plants die due to aphids. Absolutely nothing had ever crushed them completely. Every year (at least for the ones that don't die in other horrible ways) my short growing season (and general ineptness as a provider) forces me to bring the plants inside just as the peppers are about to ripen. I get 2 or 3 off before the aphid horde humps, copulates, and fornicates its way to a sickly seething amorphous mass of green flesh over my sickly withering plants.
I can poison, squish, threaten, cajole, and annoy the everloving shit out of these aphids, but it always hurts my plants worse. I spend the next 6 months looking at my goddamn f**king sticks which will occasionally grow a few more leaves, get my hopes up, and then a single goddamn aphid will be seen. But you never have a single goddamn aphid. It's the goddamn aphidMoses, who has led his people to the promised land. He holds aloft his mighty staff and yells "PHARAOH, PHARAOH, LET MY PEOPLE GOOOOOOOOOOO". And then I squish him.
But no, this wasn't aphidMoses, it was aphidJesus, and three days later he has arisen. IT'S A MIRACLE! QUICK, CALL ALL THE PILGRIMS TO THE HOLY LAND, IT'S THE CHOSEN ONE!
...so, where was I? I dunno. Long story short, aphids live, plant dies. Always. And I remain pepperless.
How many years have I been at this? I dunno. 2011? 2012? They blend together.
But this year is different. No plant shall go outside and no plant shall come inside. The aphids shall not find my plants, for they shall be... precious... to me...
To this end, last night I placed 13 Carolina Reaper seeds into some dirt in a cup. I don't have the energy these days to do things "right", but getting things started was never my failure point. I also have some red savina seeds that I'll repeat the process with in the next few days. Some chocolate habs from a year or two ago that I may try if I get energetic, but they were not stored properly and I have low hopes for them being viable. The packet felt like it had dampened and dried back out.
So, like Charlie Brown, I once again charge forward at that football. Surely Lucy will hold it still this time. Surely.
This shall be the year.
I shall grow the desert plant in this winter wonderland and the universe shall submit to my will.
...this is the year....
...surely...
Updated posts:
#1
So, once more I subject myself to the sadomasochistic pain of growing peppers in Canada. Not just growing peppers in Canada, but 'me' growing peppers in Canada. The universe has repeatedly informed me that this will not happen, but have I ever been one to take a hint? NO, NOT I!
I see this frozen wasteland in the middle of the plains and I say to myself, "Self, what does this whore-mother of a country need? Why, it needs some desert plants! MORE DESERT PLANTS! Not even tropical, just something right from the middle of some f**king desert. That is what I WILL FORCE TO GROW HERE THROUGH SHEER FORCE OF WILL!"
For those who have not followed along with my adventures from the beginning, peppers have not been kind to me. I think I may have finally exceeded the point where I can count on two hands the homegrown peppers I've eaten however.
Between short growing seasons, aphids, poor weather, aphids, rain, aphids, droughts, aphids, mice, aphids, and crazy neighbours with lawnmowers (under mind control by aphids), my plants die more often than Scottish guys running around with swords to Queen soundtracks.
This year... This year, I outsmart them. You see, the minions of the saucer people expect me to plant outside, and in the summer. Well, they'd like that, WOULDN'T THEY?! But I say nay nay, this year... this year I grow inside! In the fall, through the winter, never exposed to the destructive elements of the outside world! Like those unfortunate strippers who disappeared, which I have no knowledge of, my plants shall know nothing except the four walls of my basement!
Now I know what you're about to say... "But Wulf, are you sure your med dosage is correct?" Followed immediately by, "That's a stupid plan. And you're stupid for doing it. Stupidhead."
Be that as it may, I am sick, sick, SICK of watching my plants die due to aphids. Absolutely nothing had ever crushed them completely. Every year (at least for the ones that don't die in other horrible ways) my short growing season (and general ineptness as a provider) forces me to bring the plants inside just as the peppers are about to ripen. I get 2 or 3 off before the aphid horde humps, copulates, and fornicates its way to a sickly seething amorphous mass of green flesh over my sickly withering plants.
I can poison, squish, threaten, cajole, and annoy the everloving shit out of these aphids, but it always hurts my plants worse. I spend the next 6 months looking at my goddamn f**king sticks which will occasionally grow a few more leaves, get my hopes up, and then a single goddamn aphid will be seen. But you never have a single goddamn aphid. It's the goddamn aphidMoses, who has led his people to the promised land. He holds aloft his mighty staff and yells "PHARAOH, PHARAOH, LET MY PEOPLE GOOOOOOOOOOO". And then I squish him.
But no, this wasn't aphidMoses, it was aphidJesus, and three days later he has arisen. IT'S A MIRACLE! QUICK, CALL ALL THE PILGRIMS TO THE HOLY LAND, IT'S THE CHOSEN ONE!
...so, where was I? I dunno. Long story short, aphids live, plant dies. Always. And I remain pepperless.
How many years have I been at this? I dunno. 2011? 2012? They blend together.
But this year is different. No plant shall go outside and no plant shall come inside. The aphids shall not find my plants, for they shall be... precious... to me...
To this end, last night I placed 13 Carolina Reaper seeds into some dirt in a cup. I don't have the energy these days to do things "right", but getting things started was never my failure point. I also have some red savina seeds that I'll repeat the process with in the next few days. Some chocolate habs from a year or two ago that I may try if I get energetic, but they were not stored properly and I have low hopes for them being viable. The packet felt like it had dampened and dried back out.
So, like Charlie Brown, I once again charge forward at that football. Surely Lucy will hold it still this time. Surely.
This shall be the year.
I shall grow the desert plant in this winter wonderland and the universe shall submit to my will.
...this is the year....
...surely...
Updated posts:
#1
