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Best Smart@ss Answers of '08

JayT

JayT

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008 !!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
"Yes or no!!'


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
 
dang funny JayT...

#3 sounds like pepperfreak...just how in the hell you gonna give a kid a ticket after that?
 
True story.

My sister used to waitress part-time at an Italian restaurant during the summers when she taught school at the beach. One night when the place was full and busy, she bustled out of the back with a plate of spaghetti for a table. When she stopped by the table, the spaghetti shot off the plate and landed on the table right in front of the customer. He squawked and looked up, and without missing a beat, my sister said "Oh. Did you want a plate with that?"
 
that's truly funny Pam...I can just imagine..
 
heck, I can't even try to keep up with you and your...what was it you called it...something like cyberlingo or something..
 
Good one Jay. I liked....and pam, your sister has got a quick wit on her....

If i'm in a shop and someone comes and asks "are you right here", I say "no i'm left" and I just keep on looking.......:lol:

It's like being a 12 year old again....
 
"can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

"Can I ask you another question?"

"You just did."



my personal favourite.



dreamboat
 
I love doing this one here at work. It's for when you have a company vehicle out(say to pick up a customer or for deliveries, etc. It goes usually like this:
driver's cell phone rings
Caller: hey, where are you?
driver: in the truck
caller: oh, no shit, ya think? Ok, where's the truck?
driver: on the road
caller: ok, mr. comedian, what road?
driver: this one

They hate me here for starting that one. Another one is when you have a bunch of techs all standing around a vehicle with it's hood up staring at the engine, and you walk up and say something like, "yep, its an engine all right". Usually the coffee is flying at you soon after that one.

Then there was one my mom says my pop did back in the late 60's, on a TWA flight to Germany. The stewardess apparently asked my pop if he wanted any TWA coffee or TWA milk or something along those lines and he asked her "how about some TWA tea?".
 
I like to use the Hen weigh remarks -- In general conversation I mention something about a Hen Weigh
Q. Whats a Hen Weigh?

A. About 3lbs

and keep moving with the conversation ....

I know its old but it gives me my jollies
 
Sickmont said:
I love doing this one here at work. It's for when you have a company vehicle out(say to pick up a customer or for deliveries, etc. It goes usually like this:
driver's cell phone rings
Caller: hey, where are you?
driver: in the truck
caller: oh, no shit, ya think? Ok, where's the truck?
driver: on the road
caller: ok, mr. comedian, what road?
driver: this one

They hate me here for starting that one.
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I hate you, too, and I don't have to work with you.
 
JayT said:
SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
"Cake or Death.'
Click to expand...
ftfy
 
Sickmont said:
Well, at least you're honest
Click to expand...

And not notably long on patience when people start f***ing with me.

There is a man who works with us who can just irritate the piss out of me doing stuff like that. I'll call the facility he works in and ask " Is so and so around?" and he would inevitably answer, "No, they're kind of tall and thin." I have learned to work around most of his stupidity, but last time I was out there he held the door shut from the inside and kept shouting "Did you want to come in" through it. After I got through with him, I don't think he'll be doing that to me again.
 
Pam said:
And not notably long on patience when people start f***ing with me.

There is a man who works with us who can just irritate the piss out of me doing stuff like that. I'll call the facility he works in and ask " Is so and so around?" and he would inevitably answer, "No, they're kind of tall and thin." I have learned to work around most of his stupidity, but last time I was out there he held the door shut from the inside and kept shouting "Did you want to come in" through it. After I got through with him, I don't think he'll be doing that to me again.
Click to expand...

We all do stupid stuff like that to each other here all day long. And its all the departments doing it to each other as well. Nobody takes it personally, it just goes with the territory here. It seems to be the stress reliever here at the dealership. I can see however, where it can be very aggravating to have to deal with someone like him, though. We've had a few also that just rub seem to everyone the wrong way.
 
Sickmont said:
We all do stupid stuff like that to each other here all day long. And its all the departments doing it to each other as well. Nobody takes it personally, it just goes with the territory here. It seems to be the stress reliever here at the dealership. I can see however, where it can be very aggravating to have to deal with someone like him, though. We've had a few also that just rub seem to everyone the wrong way.
Click to expand...

If it's consensual, great. Everybody finds different ways to blow off stress. If anyone in our group objected, we would have to tone way done the dirty jokes. You also have to be willing to respect a boundary if a coworker sets one.

The guy in my post about wood? The one I was picking back and forth with? He came in the lab today and pinched me on the shoulder. I said what was that for, and he said "Well, I wanted to pinch you yesterday, but you had a surgery on, and it's best not to mess with you too much when you have a surgery going on."

Wise man.
 
I irrate my kids all the time...They come running up to me saying "hey dad, you know what?" and I look at them and say "Nope never met him" and they get all confused and look at me....lol...
 
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