Careful chunky, that's how the Americans getcha.
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They lure you down there with promises of warm weather and attractive cousins, and life is good for a while... then BAM! A bald eagle flaps its wings causing a tornado to rip through a trailer park full of venomous snakes and scorpions!
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You see it coming and try to call for help, but all you hear is a recording "We're sorry, no NSA agents are available to monitor your call. Please try again later." Now you're scared. You're looking for shelter. Quick, to the basement!
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....Guys? The basement? Why doesn't anybody have a basement? HOW DO YOU BUILD A HOUSE WITHOUT PUTTING A GIANT HOLE UNDER IT?! ERMAHGERD! To Walmart then!
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As you speed to Walmart the sky darkens. The edge of the tornado is upon you. Your way is lit only by the constant flashing of traffic cameras nailing you for going 0.1 mph over the limit. Snakes, scorpions, and alligators are being slammed into your windshield with gale force winds. You swerve into the Walmart lot running over foreigners and meth addicts left and right. Bullets zip past your head as the 600 lb Walmart residents start firing their guns at the tornado in a vain attempt to stop it. You get out of your car, run towards the entrance and SAFETY, when suddenly your ankle snaps. You look up just in time to see a convoy of motorized scooters crush all of your limbs.
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As you drift off into the sweet embrace of death, an ambulance attendant checks your wallet then kicks you for not having the proper medical insurance.
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....
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This concludes today's episode of "America - According to Wulf".