OMG, you guys are too funny

I really needed the laugh today, and I spent the past 20 minutes over lunch reading this message thread. I’m still chuckling and people around me wonder what the heck is wrong with me when I let out another loud laugh (and, I’m in an office)….anyway, my story isn’t anywhere near as funny or life-threatening as others. My story goes back to 2005: The company I work for has headquarters in Dublin, Ireland. I was to make my first business trip there, and of course not thinking (common for me) I made one of my ‘concoctions’ for dinner the night before: Ground beef, hot Italian sausage, green peppers, mushrooms, instead of tomato paste I used hot salsa, and a few tablespoons of my hot pepper powder. I made it just hot enough to be edible, and hot enough to make myself ask, “why did I make that so hot”. Of course, knowing that my wife wouldn’t eat any of it as leftovers when I was gone, I ate most of it myself. As I really usually don’t have too bad of a reaction to such foods, I really didn’t feel too bad when I got on the plane for an early morning, 7 hour flight to Dublin. Of course, a couple hours into the flight all hell was ready to break loose – lower intestinal pain, and I could feel a bad case of diarrhea coming on. Now, if you are like me, the airplane crapper is about the last place on earth you want to take a dump. I fought back for hours, and was praying that I’d make it to the airport before it let loose. Well, we did make it, and I scooched myself thru the terminal to the restroom. I won’t go into the gory details, but needless to say, that was a relief – and, the burn was not as bad given that I was so much pain from holding it so long. (Guess I have strong Sphincter muscles).
Anyway – despite being able to let it loose, it started building up again on the way to the hotel. I stayed at the Hotel Alexander in Dublin, a wonderful old hotel. As we arrived mid-morning, the rooms were not yet ready, so we tried snoozing in the lobby. Well, round two of Bill’s Revenge came on and this time I didn’t have much time to make it to the restroom. (why do they call it a ‘rest’ room – that’s the last thing I want to do there). The restrooms are in the lower level of the hotel, and I could start to feel the ooze coming on and when I made it down, I dashed into the first available stall (there were 3 or 4 of them). Oh boy, this round felt even better than the first to get rid off ….I’m not a wordsmith like many of you, but just imagine the relief I felt, and I really didn’t care who else heard me, or smelled me – that was the first time that I’ve really felt nauseous from my own stink. I sat there for a few minutes with a couple more ‘after shocks’ and a few flushes of the toilet but finally subsided enough that I thought I could finally wipe myself. Of course, as Murphy would have it (remember Murphy’s Law?) there was no toilet paper!!! Oh man, now what do I do. I decided to wait until nobody was in the room until I tried the next stall. As my ‘bottom side’ was probably quite a mess, I decided to wrap my underpants and pants around my ankles and ‘wiggle’ myself to the next stall. Of course, my fear was that someone would come in and see me during my long journey from one stall to the next. As I soon realized, I should have been concerned about something else – the dripping and oozing of the mess from the butt down onto my underpants as I shuffled myself along the bathroom floor to the next stall! As I almost made my final destination, I heard the door open behind me and a faint ‘OH’ exclamation, and then the door closing. I can imagine what that person thought when he opened the door to see a weirdo shuffling across the floor with pants down around the ankles and brown ooze dripping town the leg onto the pants and floor. I remember trying to clean myself up the best I could, and putting a huge wad of toilet paper stuffed into my underpants. I also kept as far away from my co-workers as we checked into the hotel, and I remember taking the stairs instead of the elevator as I really did not want to expose anybody else to the toxic waste. I actually felt much better that afternoon, so much so that I was able to have a few pints of Irish beer washed down with a few shots of Irish Whiskey (Jameson). (hmm maybe I did the Whiskey first, but it seems to me that I wanted a Guiness first) Yes, I actually had business meetings that week, and made sure I didn’t subject my body to anything that would cause me problems on the way back. (Irish food is bland anyway). I did tell my co-workers about it after a couple of days, and they of course had a good laugh.
So, that’s my story. Sometime I’ll tell you about puking up chunks of pork ribs after a happy hour at a hotel and clogging up the sink

Bill