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Politics are not permitted. There's plenty of places to discuss that elsewhere, and a hot pepper forum is not the place. Thank you for respecting the community!
jokes?
- Thread starter t0mato
- Start date
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
IT'S TIME TO OFFEND EVERYONE
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. T he southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States ..
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. T he southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States ..
Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "Wh en you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer thephone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
**************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "Wh en you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer thephone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
**************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Best Excuse Ever
A Wyoming senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-80, pushing the pedal to the
metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind
him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly gent as he
floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the
Trooper to catch up.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of
the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago,my
wife ran off with a Wyoming State Trooper. I thought you were
bringing her back. "
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
A Wyoming senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-80, pushing the pedal to the
metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind
him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly gent as he
floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the
Trooper to catch up.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of
the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago,my
wife ran off with a Wyoming State Trooper. I thought you were
bringing her back. "
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened".
Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?
" The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"
The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened".
Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?
" The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a goose walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the goose's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the goose. "Your name is written inside the cover."
Three weeks later, a goose walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the goose's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the goose. "Your name is written inside the cover."
SMART ASS
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store..
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,"Must be doing well... Only two left."
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store..
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,"Must be doing well... Only two left."
Speeding in Pennsylvania :
1) Good:
An Erie , PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' Officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' . . . and a bucket full of money.
(And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)
2) Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pittsburgh , PA. A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a pic ture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
3) Absolute Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.'
He replied ' Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car........
1) Good:
An Erie , PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' Officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' . . . and a bucket full of money.
(And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)
2) Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pittsburgh , PA. A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a pic ture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
3) Absolute Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.'
He replied ' Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car........
Texas Cop
My kind of Deputy!!!
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop." says the deputy. "License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
My kind of Deputy!!!
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop." says the deputy. "License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Bubba Had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical histor y and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical histor y and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
THE WRONG LESSONS IN GOLF
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.
One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'
He never even had a chance to duck.
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.
One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'
He never even had a chance to duck.
Colonoscopy
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
'I should be in charge,' said the brain , 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,' Because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The asshole is usually in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
'I should be in charge,' said the brain , 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,' Because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...
The asshole is usually in charge.
NEW SUNBURN TREATMENT:
This sounds like a good procedure to relieve the pain.
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital,
and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,
but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.
This sounds like a good procedure to relieve the pain.
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital,
and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,
but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.
11 People on a Rope
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...
Trip to the race track
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous
Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The
teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the
boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began
hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their 'wee-wees' to direct
the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the fourth grade.'
'No, ma'am, he replied, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous
Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The
teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the
boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began
hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their 'wee-wees' to direct
the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the fourth grade.'
'No, ma'am, he replied, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.