Hey ya'll. Mention was made in another thread relating to this subject and I deemed it appropos to take it one step further. My little nightmare began night before last whence I decided to do deep fried poppers and deep fried oysters. The poppers were hab and 'peno which I ate more or less on an empty stomach. Bad juju! The orange habs were the hottest I have had and threatened to melt my face off. Had the hiccup 'thang going, nose running and a bit of sweat. All was fine until yesterday morning. I woke up, had a few cups of joe and then took my usual constitution. Every 'thang was groovy and no worries. I then had the brilliant idea of taking some of the leftover poppers and rolling them up in a burrito and topped them with copious amounts of my Notorious Hab sauce. More bad juju! About 15 minutes after consuming 2 popper burrito's, strange goin's on began to happen. It began as a slow deep rumble which triggered a series of popcorn farts much like the exhaust on a Vespa scooter....bip bip bip..rip..rip..vim...voom...this went on for some time and the rumbling increased and the bip bips changed in pitch to more of a bloooooooop...blooooooop. About that time I headed down the hall from my computer desk where I was posting on THP at the time, to The Blues Shitter. As soon as I hit the seat wave upon wave of Mike Tyson like gut punchs began. I was dripping sweat and my ears ringing...wooonnnngg..woooonnggg...woooonngg..and now what began as mere popcorn farts was now a full on monster tsunami of molten magma mud!! The eruption was not subtle ya'll. This was projectile pooping in all it's glory. I had lost all control of my lower nether regions including bladder control as while the hot mud was burning a hole in the porceline and bringing the water in the tank to a boil, I began pissing pure napalm like a flamethrower into a WWII Japanese bunker. The crescendo only increased and my ears were now like blaring klaxon's on a navy destroyer..ahhooooogah!...ahooooogah! I was losing all track of time during this nightmare from hell so don't know how long I was in there close to losing consciousness. After what seemed an eternity the intensity began to subside until the molten magma became a slow trickle. My first attempt with the toilet paper was just that...an attempt. The paper could have been made out of icecream but it still didn't stop it from self combusting and bursting into flames before even touching my butt. Being a typical man, I have enough hair on my derriere to knit a Navajo rug and the smell of rancid burning singed hair was amazingly awful. After more wailing and gnashing of teeth, the pain and heat subsided and I was finally able to finish my 'bidness. Oh...but this was not over by a long shot. There was the still the lingering stench unleashed by my hunan hole which was so thick it was bogging down the fart fan. A fog much like a belching diesel truck filled The Blues Shitter. I began to panic about opening the door to escape when all manner of scenario's began going through my mind...BDA or Battle Damage Assessment: Blast zone radius of 1.4 miles from ground zero. Casualties: 14,000 killed. 42,000 wounded. 250,000 homeless. 6 billion in property damage......mrs. blues has swine flu and can't smell anything so I reckoned she would be immune. My pup missylou has been around this circumstance often enough to have developed special antibodies and doggy blood sera to combat the acid rain permeating the atmosphere. I opened the door and quickly slipped out and slammed the door shut hoping that the meager walls and door would be an adequate containment field for the hazardous biowaste.
Unfortunately, I returned to the Tour Du Toilet' several more times, each time a little less intensity but enough to worry about the china syndome factor much like a Chernobyl meltdown where the nuclear core melts its way through the core of earth to china.
Well ya'll, I have since recovered enough to function well enough. The sad 'thang is I am destined to repeat the whole scenario in the future who know's how many times. It just goes with the territory.
So ya'll...you got a story? Have you been assaulted in the can? Did anyone make it out alive other than you? This is the thread to spill it in all of it's majesty. Don't be embarrassed....it's only chile's.
'Lawd have mercy! This is the most outrageous thread I've started on THP! Pray for me....
Salute', TB.
Unfortunately, I returned to the Tour Du Toilet' several more times, each time a little less intensity but enough to worry about the china syndome factor much like a Chernobyl meltdown where the nuclear core melts its way through the core of earth to china.
Well ya'll, I have since recovered enough to function well enough. The sad 'thang is I am destined to repeat the whole scenario in the future who know's how many times. It just goes with the territory.
So ya'll...you got a story? Have you been assaulted in the can? Did anyone make it out alive other than you? This is the thread to spill it in all of it's majesty. Don't be embarrassed....it's only chile's.
'Lawd have mercy! This is the most outrageous thread I've started on THP! Pray for me....
Salute', TB.
