"That? That's my Camaro, It doesn't work, nothing works. My little brother is building a space shuttle out of household appliances. You know, like vacuum cleaners and blenders. That thing is probably going to work, I can't get that out of the driveway."
"Gee I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky"
"They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?""
" I was sitting there alone on prom night, in a goddamn rented tuxedo, and my whole life flashed before my eyes. And I realized finally, and for the first time, that I wanted to kill somebody. So I figured since I loved you so much, it'd be a good idea if I didn't see you anymore"
"It's a learning experience let me tell you, last night she brought in a lawn chair, six milk bottles, and a tuning fork"
"Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes."
"Be seated! Ah... Many of you are wondering what's wrong with my pants, well they started running short on materials right before they got to the knees so don't give me any shit"
Bonus points if anyone else knows where this one is from:
"What the f**k is Chinese Downhill?"