why blondes don't make good ranchers ?
they cant keep their calves together !
they cant keep their calves together !
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JOKE TIME!!!!
- Thread starter bubbaschili
- Start date
A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
After their yearly checkup the Dr told the mother to give her children more iron.
Checking her bank balance and needing all the money for gas and food the mother thought up a plan.
Going through the garage she came across a carton of BBs. She placed a tablespoon of these BBs in the kids hamburger meat. She new that at luch time they nearly inhale their meals, so thought they will never even notice.
Around one that afternoon Suzi came to her mother saying that she had BBs come out when she went pee. " Its ok you'll be fine".
Soon Billy came in from outside and also complained of BBs coming out when he peed.
Another two hours went by and Jack came running in to talk to his Ma. "Let me guess, you went pee and BBs came out?"
"No ma, I was jackin off down in the barn and shot the dog"!
Checking her bank balance and needing all the money for gas and food the mother thought up a plan.
Going through the garage she came across a carton of BBs. She placed a tablespoon of these BBs in the kids hamburger meat. She new that at luch time they nearly inhale their meals, so thought they will never even notice.
Around one that afternoon Suzi came to her mother saying that she had BBs come out when she went pee. " Its ok you'll be fine".
Soon Billy came in from outside and also complained of BBs coming out when he peed.
Another two hours went by and Jack came running in to talk to his Ma. "Let me guess, you went pee and BBs came out?"
"No ma, I was jackin off down in the barn and shot the dog"!
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing, Communist who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing, Communist who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
http://imgur.com/gallery/c7WIavm
Doesn't really count, but I laughed my ass off. God I waste too much time on imgur...
Doesn't really count, but I laughed my ass off. God I waste too much time on imgur...
after being married for 48 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
he looked at her for a while, then said....
" you're an alphabet wife ! .....A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K. "
she ask's " what the hell does that mean ? "
he said...
" Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot. "
she smiled happily and said..." oh that's so lovely, but what about I,J,K ? "
he said " I'm Just Kidding ! "
the swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
he looked at her for a while, then said....
" you're an alphabet wife ! .....A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K. "
she ask's " what the hell does that mean ? "
he said...
" Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot. "
she smiled happily and said..." oh that's so lovely, but what about I,J,K ? "
he said " I'm Just Kidding ! "
the swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
A Sad Passing......
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma ..... complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma ..... complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
^^ All over FB today, funny
Rymerpt said:
My two favorite anti-jokes, really simple...
Me: Want to hear a funny joke? Ask me if I'm a tree.
Them: Are you a tree?
Me: No. *walk away*
Most people expect something out of the joke and for some reason this is hilarious to me. The second one you need a group of friends, and tell them to laugh at the punch line. Tell the joke when somebody just enters the conversation, the goal is to get them to laugh with you.
"So two polar bears are in a bathtub, and one is way bigger than the other. And I mean WAYY bigger! The little one asks for soap and guess what the big one responds with! No soap, RADIO!"
*cue hilarious laughter with your friends until the person either laughs or walks away* Only one person hasn't laughed along and that was my dad. These jokes are funnier when done on actual people so don't knock it until you try it.
