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Share a Funny Joke

dvg

dvg

I'm sure everyone can use a laugh once in a while...




I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS




A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says “Hello!”.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.


So he says, 'Do you know me?'


To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.”
 
I got this one in an email the other day .....
-------------------------------------------------

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

littlegirl.jpg


~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
 
Haha Big Tex,

Some of those emails going around are funny.

Here's one I got sent to me a while back



WHALE JOKE


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."


dvg
 
Another old one but good one ...........

-----------------------

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

BOYS_CONFESSION.jpg


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that..
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
 
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.



The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous

Why are you committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"





dvg
 
Reminds me of another biker joke. I can't resist telling it to every biker I meet. The responses are mixed...



What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?






The placement of the dirtbag.
 
dvg said:
I'm sure everyone can use a laugh once in a while...




I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS




A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says “Hello!”.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.


So he says, 'Do you know me?'


To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.”
Click to expand...


BigTex said:
Another old one but good one ...........

-----------------------

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

BOYS_CONFESSION.jpg


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that..
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
Click to expand...


these jokes are from commercials, slightly different.

the whale joke is funny!
 
Chinese Hotel Service . . .

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in China . . . .
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.


dvg
 
To maintain a healthy level of insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice!
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
5. In your cheque book, write 'For marijuana'.
6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify that your drive-through order is 'To go'.
9. Sing along at the opera
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend theirpParty because you have a headache.
11. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I won! I won!'
12. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the global financial crisis, we have to let one of you go!
 
i just made this one up .its really not that good but i think kind a funny.the seven dwarfs have just gone out to the mines hiho hiho.and they plan on bringing back lot s of dimonds for snowwhite to resale hiho hiho.who is also doing her part making money.the seven dwarfs did good and are on their way home hiho hiho.upon returning home they dont know snowwhite is still making money.heeeeyhoo heeeeyhoo were u at,i might just replace u with one of the other hoes i seen while i was out! :P
 
A salesman knocks on the door at Little Johnny's house. Johnny opens the door with a beer in one hand a cigar in the other.

" Hello young man are your parents home?"

Johnny flicks ash from the cigar onto the salesman's shoes.

" What the f%#K do you think?"
 
Harold Schlumberg
As we get older sometimes we begin to doubt our ability to make a difference in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other seniors who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person.
2011-06-28102047.jpg

"I have often been asked, 'what do you old folks do now that your retired?' Well i'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things that i enjoy most is turning beer, wine and other alcoholic beverages into urine"

Harold should be an insiration to all of us.
 
3 mice are sitting at a bar

The first mouse slams back his shot and says: "In my neigborhood we have traps, I take the cheese off that b**ch and eat it I'm a badass mouse"

The second mouse slams back his shot and says: "In my neigborhood we have rat poison, I mix that s**t with water and drink it, I'm a badass mouse"

the third mouse finishes off his beer and gets up and starts walking away.

the first two mice say: "hey, were are you going?"

the third mouse says: "I'm going home to f**k the cat"
 
I braked as hard as I could but still hit the car in front of me. A gorgeous blonde gets out and yells at me "Ram me up the f**king arse why don't you?!"
"This, your honour is where I believe all the confusion began....."
 
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