Tales from the Loo: Chile's Attack!!
- Thread starter texas blues
- Start date
So funny I almost pooped my Pants laughing, it was like a reenactment of last week when My grand daughter came over and stayed the night, we had taco's with what I call cluster bombs which are any habs I can find at wally's world deseeded and then stuffed with goat cheese and some frozen chiltepin peppers that are mixed in with goat cheese and stuffed in the habs which are rolled in croissant roll dough and deep fried till golden brown , I made up about 20 of them, my grand daughter tried one and told me how good they were while running to the frig for some milk. The Taco's were made with fatty pulled pork that I had boiled in basically some red hot sauce made from ripe Billy Bikers Jalapeños and ripe ghost peppers, onions, garlic and lime juice along with a few other herbs. Dinner went quite well and my stomach felt ok even after the 15th cluster bomb. after dinner I had black dog home brew that a friend gave me and was relaxing in front of my computer when there was a long slow gurgle followed by little gas bubbles working their way down the deep dark tunnel of my colon.
Just as I was thinking that all had passed and I was thinking about turning in for the night as it was getting to be 11PM and my grand daughter wanted the use of my computer to get on face book, so off to bed I went and was just getting to sleep when there came a long hard and painful gurgle followed by lots of gas bubbles working their way to places unknown by man at least this man. I knew the signs and figured I better make a visit to the john. As I reached my bathroom without any problems I realized my 16 year old grand daughter now occupied my bowl of blessed relief. Banging on the Door all I got was "damn you papa" did you food poison me? This was going on in between the sounds of off key horns and whistles and god only knows what other sounds was coming out from under the Door.
By this time I was in serious hurt and knew that if my loving grand daughter didn't get out of my one bathroom she might see a side of me that no human should see, let alone my grand daughter. Just as I was thinking I could give the door a kick without loosing it, my lovely grand daughter came out dragging T.P. paper on her shoes and then proceeded to give me the evil eye and a few words that only sailors use (God only knows where she heard them) I would have said something, but I was to busy getting inside and getting my pants down before they got filled up with vile brown liquid from hell. The First blast was followed by "PAPA" can't you do your job quietly, as if I had a choice and like her bowl movement was quieter than mine.
There was no way any of this was going to be quiet, I probably woke up the neighborers two apartments down from me with all the O God O God, NASA We have lift off, followed by the sound of rocket engines being ignited followed by more O God O God, Damn it Jessie did you plug the toilet up, I hope for your sake you didn't because all of this will half to be cleaned up and I think you know who will get the job. That was met with the front door being opened and closed followed by me cussing like the old sailor I am. Thank God every thing went down "thank you land lord for high pressure toilets that can swallow a foot ball". It was a full half Hour before she came back and I was greeted with "PAPA"!! did you poop your guts out or some thing for gods sake wheres the Air freshener? God what the hell did you cook the pork in and don't try and get me to eat another cluster bomb its going to take a week before I can go to the bathroom and not offend anyone. More drop dead looks from her. Really though she's a sweet kid and only talks like that when she is staying over and knows I won't rat her out to her mom. She doesn't smoke and doesn't drink and my only worry is that some low life good for nothing will talk her out of her pants and get her knocked up, if that happens he better be one fast boy as he will have to out run me with my old shot gun loaded with rock salt and # 22 size treb hooks you know the ones you can hardly see. It wouldn't kill him but he would be able to catch fish with his Butt.
Just as I was thinking that all had passed and I was thinking about turning in for the night as it was getting to be 11PM and my grand daughter wanted the use of my computer to get on face book, so off to bed I went and was just getting to sleep when there came a long hard and painful gurgle followed by lots of gas bubbles working their way to places unknown by man at least this man. I knew the signs and figured I better make a visit to the john. As I reached my bathroom without any problems I realized my 16 year old grand daughter now occupied my bowl of blessed relief. Banging on the Door all I got was "damn you papa" did you food poison me? This was going on in between the sounds of off key horns and whistles and god only knows what other sounds was coming out from under the Door.
By this time I was in serious hurt and knew that if my loving grand daughter didn't get out of my one bathroom she might see a side of me that no human should see, let alone my grand daughter. Just as I was thinking I could give the door a kick without loosing it, my lovely grand daughter came out dragging T.P. paper on her shoes and then proceeded to give me the evil eye and a few words that only sailors use (God only knows where she heard them) I would have said something, but I was to busy getting inside and getting my pants down before they got filled up with vile brown liquid from hell. The First blast was followed by "PAPA" can't you do your job quietly, as if I had a choice and like her bowl movement was quieter than mine.
There was no way any of this was going to be quiet, I probably woke up the neighborers two apartments down from me with all the O God O God, NASA We have lift off, followed by the sound of rocket engines being ignited followed by more O God O God, Damn it Jessie did you plug the toilet up, I hope for your sake you didn't because all of this will half to be cleaned up and I think you know who will get the job. That was met with the front door being opened and closed followed by me cussing like the old sailor I am. Thank God every thing went down "thank you land lord for high pressure toilets that can swallow a foot ball". It was a full half Hour before she came back and I was greeted with "PAPA"!! did you poop your guts out or some thing for gods sake wheres the Air freshener? God what the hell did you cook the pork in and don't try and get me to eat another cluster bomb its going to take a week before I can go to the bathroom and not offend anyone. More drop dead looks from her. Really though she's a sweet kid and only talks like that when she is staying over and knows I won't rat her out to her mom. She doesn't smoke and doesn't drink and my only worry is that some low life good for nothing will talk her out of her pants and get her knocked up, if that happens he better be one fast boy as he will have to out run me with my old shot gun loaded with rock salt and # 22 size treb hooks you know the ones you can hardly see. It wouldn't kill him but he would be able to catch fish with his Butt.
So are you a thrill seeker? Like to be terrified? Like on roller coasters? Ziplines? Do you base jump or climb very tall antennae towers? That's all rookie amateur sheeit.
You want real terror?
Eat about a dozen pickled xalapa's. Splooge on about a cup of sriracha all over your food and eat it all and that in between bites of cheese with even more heavy douches of rooster. Now get up at the butt crack-o-dawn. Drink a pot of strong hot black coffee and eat 2 bran muffins.
Now get in your vehicle and drive to Dallas on I-35 east and get stuck in stop and go wall to wall traffic. Make sure you're hemmed in and can't get over to the off ramp and you're running on fumes for gas.
Feel that sweat on your forehead as the heavy pounding in your colon begins.
Enjoy!
You want real terror?
Eat about a dozen pickled xalapa's. Splooge on about a cup of sriracha all over your food and eat it all and that in between bites of cheese with even more heavy douches of rooster. Now get up at the butt crack-o-dawn. Drink a pot of strong hot black coffee and eat 2 bran muffins.
Now get in your vehicle and drive to Dallas on I-35 east and get stuck in stop and go wall to wall traffic. Make sure you're hemmed in and can't get over to the off ramp and you're running on fumes for gas.
Feel that sweat on your forehead as the heavy pounding in your colon begins.
Enjoy!
Someone had a good time this morning . . .
lol........Tower climbing, ...only a thrill the 1st time....and on a windy day. The phrase "hold your breath",,,,,,,,,,,,well, a fart in the wind, may not be all it's "cracked up to be"
oh, ... not me..........someone elses expierence...........
true story.
recently at work (Home Depot) my good friend Evan was working with me near my department, he said i will be right back i have to poop
i of coarse said have fun or something
he comes back very quickly with this look of horror on his face and i asked him WHAT??
he said the bathroom is totally destroyed , i asked HOW??
he said with a shrill in his voice i pinched it off i will wait let just say i cant describe it but i cant believe that much crap could come from anyone, well i didn't give it too much thought and later i had to go so i went and why oh why i looked i will never know
there was a huge black thick splash on the floor about a foot from the toilet, i would have thought someone had parked some beef cattle in the stall but the pair of underwear placed right in the middle of it changed my mind, it must have been 24 inches or better around and up the wall about 6 to 8 inches, it almost looked like the toilet stall in the movie Desperado, the one with the secret door at the back
the cleaning guy came in and he was pissed to no end, nice guy too, i felt for him that it had to be him to clean it up, he broke out the hose and started working on it, it took him quite a long time to get it cleaned up
my only question is the toilet was just a foot away, why did they do it on the floor??
some people have no manners at all
i guess he thought it was a work of art or something
HEY POOBLO POOCASO KEEP YOU CRAP TO YOURSELF NEXT TIME!!
THAT'S JUST DISGUSTING!!
THANKS YOUR FRIEND JOE
i of coarse said have fun or something
he comes back very quickly with this look of horror on his face and i asked him WHAT??
he said the bathroom is totally destroyed , i asked HOW??
he said with a shrill in his voice i pinched it off i will wait let just say i cant describe it but i cant believe that much crap could come from anyone, well i didn't give it too much thought and later i had to go so i went and why oh why i looked i will never know
there was a huge black thick splash on the floor about a foot from the toilet, i would have thought someone had parked some beef cattle in the stall but the pair of underwear placed right in the middle of it changed my mind, it must have been 24 inches or better around and up the wall about 6 to 8 inches, it almost looked like the toilet stall in the movie Desperado, the one with the secret door at the back
the cleaning guy came in and he was pissed to no end, nice guy too, i felt for him that it had to be him to clean it up, he broke out the hose and started working on it, it took him quite a long time to get it cleaned up
my only question is the toilet was just a foot away, why did they do it on the floor??
some people have no manners at alli guess he thought it was a work of art or something
HEY POOBLO POOCASO KEEP YOU CRAP TO YOURSELF NEXT TIME!!
THAT'S JUST DISGUSTING!!
THANKS YOUR FRIEND JOE
but maybe he couldn't make it that last foot 
too funny he topped the sundae with his underwear!Joe that is just plain foul. You paint a picture of much fear and loathing and gnashing of teeth. I feel bad for the dude having to clean up that cow patty splat fest. The underwear was a nice touch though. Kinda' reminds me of the time my quack witchdoctor said "I'm gonna' need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample." " No problem. Its all here on my underwear. Keep 'em, their yours."
Here you go...
Through all of the pain, the noise, the sweat, the tears and groaning...
At least it can be pretty.
View attachment 7771
Through all of the pain, the noise, the sweat, the tears and groaning...
At least it can be pretty.
View attachment 7771
If'n you ain't had the sheeit happen to you in this thread...
You're doing it wrong.
You're doing it wrong.
salsalady
eXtreme Business
When they make this in Bacon Scent for the Boys, someone will be a millionaire....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKLnhuzh9uY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKLnhuzh9uY
Had a similar problem a while ago. Had bought a mfrb from Justaguy, got the box in and started digging through. Didn't realise I'd put a finger straight through a bhut, finished digging through the box then went to the throne. Unfortunately had the same finger pop through the tp while wiping. My ring was on absolute fire for an hour after that! Couldn't sit properly, spreading the cheeks as far as possible didn't help, just pure hell for an hour. Later on that night, after a couple of drinks, start digging through again. Grabbed a small scorpion, for some stupid reason thought it was a scorpion sweet, and popped the whole thing in my mouth. Turned out it wasn't a sweet. It was the real f'n deal. Wasn't ready for it, especially since it ended up being only my 2nd whole super. Got through that burn ok, chilled for a bit then off to bed. Up early the next morning to go fishing, feeling great so didn't stop anywhere on the way. Get past the bait and tackle store, keep driving cos we didn't need any bait, then about 10 minutes down the road the cramps start. And start bad! Start shifting around in the seat hoping to make it go away, but nothing could help. My wife notices and asks if I can't get comfortable, I say no-I'm about to shit myself! Seriously considering pulling over and just going on the side of the road, just needed to find a good spot to stop. Luckily, come around a corner and see a small grocery store. Run inside, ask if they have a restroom, then rush in and release the volcano. Easily the worst burn coming out I've ever experienced. Almost on par with the bhut arse from the day before. Finish up, buy a bottle of water, and rush out before the smell starts to permeate the rest of the store. Lesson learned-I will now only eat whole supers if I'm staying in my house all day the next day!
NOW THAT'S FUNNY!!!!
I was once told that the best piece of ass I ever had was when my 'fanger poked through the toilet paper.
Extry kudo's for the use of "bait n' tackle" in a thread of this nature.
Awesome!
I was once told that the best piece of ass I ever had was when my 'fanger poked through the toilet paper.
Extry kudo's for the use of "bait n' tackle" in a thread of this nature.
Awesome!
Geez.
Last night I was whoopin' up some salmon cakes with some pickled chiltepins.
While I was makin' the cakage I was mao'ing the chiltepins like candy.
Normally they don't bother me and its all cool and the gang.
Normally.
This morning the mud is flowing like a melting glacier on Kilamanjaro.
Some of them chiltepins passed clean through.
Whole!
They blew out like .22 bullets from a Ruger 10/22 rifle.
Last night I was whoopin' up some salmon cakes with some pickled chiltepins.
While I was makin' the cakage I was mao'ing the chiltepins like candy.
Normally they don't bother me and its all cool and the gang.
Normally.
This morning the mud is flowing like a melting glacier on Kilamanjaro.
Some of them chiltepins passed clean through.
Whole!
They blew out like .22 bullets from a Ruger 10/22 rifle.
No bunnies were harmed.