Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
-------------------------------
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes or no."
-------------------------------
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
-----------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
Right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
Minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.This means something and
You should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually
End in fine.
(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
Often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
Idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
With you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can
Make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
Deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,
Unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
Thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... That will bring on
A 'whatever').
(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of GIVING YOU THE "FINGER" !
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
Meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
Times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
Asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Three old ladies & their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
He came right up in front of the old ladies, stood there & opened his trench coat.
NAKED AS A JAY BIRD!
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Poor Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, bless her heart, being older & more feeble, just couldn't reach that
far !
---------------------------------------------------------
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. ... "What's for dinner?
HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT.....
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
-------------------------------
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes or no."
-------------------------------
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
-----------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
Right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
Minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.This means something and
You should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually
End in fine.
(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
Often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
Idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
With you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can
Make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
Deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,
Unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
Thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... That will bring on
A 'whatever').
(8)Whatever: Is a women's way of GIVING YOU THE "FINGER" !
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
Meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
Times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
Asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Three old ladies & their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
He came right up in front of the old ladies, stood there & opened his trench coat.
NAKED AS A JAY BIRD!
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Poor Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, bless her heart, being older & more feeble, just couldn't reach that
far !
---------------------------------------------------------
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. ... "What's for dinner?
HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT.....
