Ooh! I have a good one! I think my neighbor kids are kind of... touched.
I was out warming up the car this morning when one of them flagged me down because he said their car wouldn't start and they needed a jump. No problem. I went back inside to grab some gloves because it's 7 outside. I pull my car out and get it in position, pop the hood and get the cars hooked up the right way (not the "blow yourself up" way, as I explained to him) and started my car.
After I let my car run for a bit, I told him to tell his brother to crank it. "He has been the whole time!
", he says. Not a major infraction, but I'm gonna go ahead and call that strike one. Just 'cuz it's 7 outside. I tell him to stop and let the car run a while longer. No dice. I turn my car off and get out to asses the situation.
Now that I'm outside, I notice a familiar sound coming from their car. (Strikes two and three are coming in rapid succession, so try to keep up...) When asked what the noise is, brother #1 proudly exclaims "That's the heater!
". OK, three things... Gimme a second here...
There. OK, three things. "If your heater is on when I'm outside (It is 7 outside.) trying to jump your car, all it's doing is taking juice away from the starting motor and prolonging my ass-freezing." I explain. "
" is his response. Also, heaters don't do any good with a cold engine. Third, and arguably most important, "how exactly is your GODDAMN HEATER RUNNING ON A DEAD GODDAMN BATTERY?" I ask tactfully. "The battery's fine. Dad says it's the ignition!
" #2 chimes in.
OK. At this point a little voice in my head is warning me to go inside because the part of my brain in charge of strangling retards with their own shoelaces must be frozen. It's 7 outside. But, I'm a man goddammit. I'm not going to let a car and two youngin's of questionable intellect and cranial lead chip content keep me from winning this one. I ask #1 if his dad meant the "ignition" or the "starter". "This is important" I tell him. "The current fire-free condition of your car, face, house and brother are riding on this." I wisely keep to myself. "The starter!
" is #2's response. I go back to my garage to grab a 10 lb splitting star. I figure, one way or another I will be using it this morning.
I show #1 how to tap it on the starting motor to get the brushes to engage while #2 cranks it. I kindly ask #2 to turn the heater off so he can hear me speaking.
I start walking toward my house to get a gun, but decide to calmly take the star from #1 and try tapping a little harder instead. Still nothing. But that's cool, the radio in their car is playing a tune I like. I start back towards the house, smiling as I weigh the pros and cons of 45 vs 357. #1 interrupts me by informing me that he didn't think my way would have worked anyway. "Dad always says to just turn the key harder." "
"
#2 evidently takes this cue to turn the key harder and the car starts right up. As I jog back to the garage and to grab a shovel to take care of a quick double decapitation, I warn them to not turn the car off today, or this will happen again. "We can't do that! We're going to school!
", he laughs. I tell them to forget it and just stay in the car with it running. "School is obviously not helping anything."
" "
Pariah said:
^Now you know darn well it is too warm down there for your nuts to freeze to the porch.
On that note, be careful sitting on lawn chairs without adequate support. Don't need your boys hanging between the slats that spread out when you sit on them and getting pinched when you go to get up...
Your nudist colony has lawn chairs?! Hot damn! That's high tech!