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JOKE TIME!!!!
- Thread starter bubbaschili
- Start date
The following joke is absoluteley NOT meant to offend people, just some humour.
A colored guy steps into the doctors office with some questions about a pain he feels in his chest.
The doctor inspects him carefully from behind his desk and says : Ok, I've taken a quick look now can u please undress completeley behind the screen and come back here again?
The guy steps behind the screen and as asked he undresses till fully naked and returns to the doctor.
Again the doctor takes a good look at the guy and asks him : Can u now please go into the back corner on your right, bend over and touch the ground with your hands,
as far away as possible from your feet?
The dude does as asked and sees the doctor frowning but doesent ask anynything.
Again the doctor asks him to move to the middle of the room and do the same thing as before.
The guy does as he has been asked moves to the middle of the room, bends over and touches the floor with his hands, again he sees the doctor frowning.
The doctor says : Ok, now move to the left corner of the room and do the same thing as before.
Again the dude does what he has been asked but this time he sees the doctor with a smile on his face.
Where the doctor responds: Its allright now, u can dress yourself and come back to my desk and sit down while I prescribe u the needed items for when u go to the pharmacy.
The guy dresses himself goes and sit down at the doctors desk and receives the recipe from the doctor which reads : pain relieving muscle ointment. ofc he's a bit confused
and asks the doctor what the problem is.
The doctor replies that he has a pulled rib muscle.
Now the guy really gets confused and asks the doctor why he had to bend over and touch the ground in different places just to find out that its a pulled muscle.
The doctor replies very cool : Well, yesterday on E-bay I bought a black table and I was just checking where it would be best to place it.
When I offended somebody with this post please excuse me it wasent meant to be offencive I could have used any colortype.
A colored guy steps into the doctors office with some questions about a pain he feels in his chest.
The doctor inspects him carefully from behind his desk and says : Ok, I've taken a quick look now can u please undress completeley behind the screen and come back here again?
The guy steps behind the screen and as asked he undresses till fully naked and returns to the doctor.
Again the doctor takes a good look at the guy and asks him : Can u now please go into the back corner on your right, bend over and touch the ground with your hands,
as far away as possible from your feet?
The dude does as asked and sees the doctor frowning but doesent ask anynything.
Again the doctor asks him to move to the middle of the room and do the same thing as before.
The guy does as he has been asked moves to the middle of the room, bends over and touches the floor with his hands, again he sees the doctor frowning.
The doctor says : Ok, now move to the left corner of the room and do the same thing as before.
Again the dude does what he has been asked but this time he sees the doctor with a smile on his face.
Where the doctor responds: Its allright now, u can dress yourself and come back to my desk and sit down while I prescribe u the needed items for when u go to the pharmacy.
The guy dresses himself goes and sit down at the doctors desk and receives the recipe from the doctor which reads : pain relieving muscle ointment. ofc he's a bit confused
and asks the doctor what the problem is.
The doctor replies that he has a pulled rib muscle.
Now the guy really gets confused and asks the doctor why he had to bend over and touch the ground in different places just to find out that its a pulled muscle.
The doctor replies very cool : Well, yesterday on E-bay I bought a black table and I was just checking where it would be best to place it.
When I offended somebody with this post please excuse me it wasent meant to be offencive I could have used any colortype.
Guy goes out into the street, strips down naked and then wraps himself all in Saran Wrap. He then runs down the street until the police finally pick him up. They quickly take him to the station psychiatrist. The guy asks the psychiatrist "Doc, do you think I'm crazy?". The psychiatrist replies..."Well, I can clearly see your nuts"
A nun was walking back to the convent one night when a man grabbed her.
He pulled her into the bushes and had his way with her. He then laughed and said what are you going to tel the priest?
She said "The truth. That I was pulled into the bushes and raped twice... unless you're too tired"
He pulled her into the bushes and had his way with her. He then laughed and said what are you going to tel the priest?
She said "The truth. That I was pulled into the bushes and raped twice... unless you're too tired"
How do you get a little dog to stop humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck its dîck!
Lol. I'm sorry..That one was a little extream but if I had to guess I'd say a little powder on the pants might work too!
Pick it up and suck its dîck!
Lol. I'm sorry..That one was a little extream but if I had to guess I'd say a little powder on the pants might work too!
That is definitely wrong, but effing hilarious at the same time if you have a twisted sense of humour like myself. Kudos!smileyguy697 said:
A blonde city girl named Sue marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher said to Sue, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. "Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
The rancher left for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow.”
Sue took him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Sue saw the nail, she told him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he was dealing with an airhead blonde asked, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. "How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail that's over its stall," she explained very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man said, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder,
"I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”
The rancher left for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow.”
Sue took him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Sue saw the nail, she told him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming he was dealing with an airhead blonde asked, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. "How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail that's over its stall," she explained very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man said, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turned to walk away and said sweetly over her shoulder,
"I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
thought this was worth posting again cuz its funny IMO
chilehunter said:
How do Court Reporters keep from laughing
These are from actual "Disorder in the Courts", taken word for word and published by court reporters whose torment was staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you injured in the fracas?
WITNESS: I was injured between the fracas and my belly button.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different lawyer. Can I get a new lawyer?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________
And, saving the best for last...
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
These are from actual "Disorder in the Courts", taken word for word and published by court reporters whose torment was staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you injured in the fracas?
WITNESS: I was injured between the fracas and my belly button.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different lawyer. Can I get a new lawyer?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________________________________
And, saving the best for last...
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
This lady, while out shopping, stumbled upon an out of the way shop that specializes in odd treasures. "What do you want for the cool floor to ceiling mirror?" She askes
$750 the clerk replies
"Holey shit, why so much?"
It grants wishes. Just ask it a wish in the form of a rhyme and it will bid your will.
"Awesome , I'll take it".
Well she took it home and placed it along the backwall of her bedroom.
"Mirror mirror from ceiling to floor make my chest a 44"
To her surprise her boobs grew and ripped right outta her blouse.
When her husband got home he was shocked and asked what was going on. After she explained he went to the mirror to try.
"Mirror mirror from ceiling to floor, i'd like my schlong to reach the floor".
Suddenly a bolt of lightning shoot through the window and knocked off both his legs.
$750 the clerk replies
"Holey shit, why so much?"
It grants wishes. Just ask it a wish in the form of a rhyme and it will bid your will.
"Awesome , I'll take it".
Well she took it home and placed it along the backwall of her bedroom.
"Mirror mirror from ceiling to floor make my chest a 44"
To her surprise her boobs grew and ripped right outta her blouse.
When her husband got home he was shocked and asked what was going on. After she explained he went to the mirror to try.
"Mirror mirror from ceiling to floor, i'd like my schlong to reach the floor".
Suddenly a bolt of lightning shoot through the window and knocked off both his legs.
