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JOKE TIME!!!!

A FEW RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.



Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.



Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.



Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.



Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball



Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!



Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.



Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.



Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A. For traction in the mud.



Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.



Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.



Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.



Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.





Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!
 
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
 
payback is a bitch!

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. The king was a very jealous man.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the king's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear.

The king immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
 
polite johnny

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her
that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute; I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter? How would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain
for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, please excuse me for a mere moment. I need to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get
to meet after dinner."

The teacher is amazed..... "Why, Johnny, that's very...."

Then the implications hit her. "LITTLE JOHNNY!!!!!"
 
blonde jokes

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One
notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down
to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The
second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the
first blonde hands her the compact. The second
one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy,
it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of
state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask
me, I know a ll of them." A friend says, "OK,
what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde
replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told
her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
Freshman, sat in her US government class. The
professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George
Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware"

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
 
American & Frenchman

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."
 
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love, dare visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.
 
Book Report About Jack and Bill.

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:...cost - $29.99
Clinton:...cost - $29.99

Titanic:...Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:...Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:...The story of Jack and Rose, their
forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..The story of Bill and Monica, their
forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:...Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:...Bill is a bull$hit artist.

Titanic:...In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:...Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:...During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets
ruined.
Clinton:...Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:...Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:...Let's not go there.

Titanic:...Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton:...Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:...Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her
life.
Clinton:...Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:...Rose goes down on a vessel full of
seamen.
Clinton:...Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:...Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:...Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
 
CANNIBAL RESTAURANT

CANNIBAL RESTAURANT

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
Operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down
and Looked over the menu...

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Grilled Republican: $20.00
+ Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price
difference For the Democrat?' The cook replied,

"Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh1t, it takes all morning."
 
1. THINGY (thing-ee) N.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-in-Kay-shon) N.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) N.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) N.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-U-lens) N.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king Luv) N.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) N.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND:

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ?
She said .. .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said .. They already have boyfriends.

She said... What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . .. . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 
A riddle

Bet you can't answer this one!


What gets longer when pulled...

Fits between your boobs...

Inserts neatly in a hole

and works best when jerked?




















A SEAT BELT, you pervert !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!
Now 'BUCKLE UP'
 
Now, That's Italian!

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good Morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,


"You try again."
 
Jack Schitt

Jack Schitt

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well,thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the
world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
 
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:














Always keep your condoms in your car
 
can you read this ?



fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too



Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.



i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaet r in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhat slpeling was ipmorantt!
 
11th husband

11th husband


A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ........... God I miss him!

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get
SCREWED."
 
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Harrisburg, PA. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it?

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"

Politicians, same as you,"replied the small 'gator.

Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

Down 't other side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the sh!t out of 'em, and eat em!"

Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the sh!t out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an a$$ hole and a briefcase.
 
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and medicine man of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?
 
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well the passion started to heat up, and she eventually says " I don't fell like it, i just want you to hold me."
I said " WHAT ?? !! What was that ?"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear.
" You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She reponded to my puzzled look by saying, " Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so i said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me, because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think i threw her for a loop when i said , " That's fine dear." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said " I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when i blurted out, " No, honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went ashen white as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT ? "

I then said " Honey , I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy you'r shopping needs as a woman" And just when she has this look like she was about to kill me, I added, " Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things i can buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......
 
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