Bhuter said:
HA!
I thought it was gonna be the math teacher who had constipation...She worked it out with a pencil.
Now that's the one that should be the winner..
Not really jokes, just shit my 84 year old Dad sends me....yeah, he's Italian..
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
was the one in charge.
“I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen.”
“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all
over so without me you'd all waste away.”
“I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and
give all of you energy.”
“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body
wherever it needs to go.”
“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see
where it goes.”
“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because I'm responsible for
waste removal.”
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...The asshole is usually in charge.
####
[SIZE=14pt]80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Jino , 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?
"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Jino. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]####[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is[/SIZE] [SIZE=14pt]granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And 'poof' she's gone. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The second says, "I want to be Madonna and 'poof' she's gone. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini." [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?", he asks [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14pt]"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." [/SIZE]
Edit:
Now if I could post some of the crazy political stuff he sends me without getting banned I would..
The Purple BBG Orange plants 
