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JOKE TIME!!!!

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon or so."
 
WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES:
>
> Husband's note on refrigerator for wife
>
> "Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer
> is normal. I didn't know you liked beer."
 
There was this guy standing, smoking at a bus stop waiting for a bus. A woman who was also waiting for the bus starts to cough. It is one of those forced coughs, the fake kind. He glances at her and continues to smoke.

She says, "You disrespectful a**hole. I have been standing here, inhaling your second hand smoke for 15 minutes and you don't even give a shit. What do you have to say for yourself?"

The smoker thinks while taking another drag of his cigarette. After exhaling, he turns to her and says, "I think you owe me for half a pack of smokes."
 
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He
notices that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous, well
endowed blond was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'
So she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to
say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I
accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat ugly bitch!'
 
A guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
 
Cynical Santa answers his mail

Deer Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.

I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.



Yer Friend, Billy



Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare.

How about I send you a book so you can learn to read

and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.

At least HE can spell.



Love, Santa



*****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing

I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!



Love, Sarah



Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?



Santa



****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,

I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.

Please see what you can do.



Love, Teddy



Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane.

Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,

who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me
send

you some Legos instead.



Santa



****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation 3, a train, some

G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.



Love, Francis



Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay.

I'll set you up with a Barbie.



Santa



********************************



Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and

I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.



Love, Susan



Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my

face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?

Leave me a bottle of Scotch.



Santa



****************************************************

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year?

Are you busy making toys?



Your friend, Thomas



Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend

most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking

myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
losing

money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.



Santa



****************************************************

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really

know when we're awake, like in the song?



Love, Jessica



Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.

I'm skipping your house.



Santa



****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please,

PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?



Love, Timmy



Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks,

but that crap doesn't work with me.

You're getting a sweater again.



Santa



****************************************************

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?



Love, Marky



Dear Mark,

First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your

ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live

in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just

like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.



Sweet dreams,

Santa
 
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you really mean 2.5 gallons? "

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my t*ts. I can splash it on my eyes."
 
A Guy Wals into a Bar

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.


"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"


"Yes," she purrs, "I am."


The man responded, "Well, please go wash your hands; I want a cheeseburger!"
 
Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"
 
Ours is Prettier

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks
away.


His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinities and
Lexus’ in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim? " asked the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies
 
A blind guy walks into Macy's with his seeing-eye dog. He proceeds to swing it around over his head when the manager runs up to him and asks him what he is doing. He replies, "I'm looking around".
 
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
 
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

Friends and Family: And all this time I have been laboring under the delusion that "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly' was a spaghetti western with Clint Eastwood and Eli Wallach!

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good: You just gave "the birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
 
The New Math

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 
A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.”

“But I'm not pregnant,” she says.

“Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,” he says.
 
Two peanuts walking through a park - one of them was a salted.

Just my luck -- judging by the itching and the rash, I think I'm allergic to prostitutes.
 
The puppies I brought home for my kids were cute at first, but now that they keep loosing their teeth and spending all their time trying to fight or hump each other, they're just plain annoying. I guess it's my fault for adopting Jerry Springer Spaniels in the first place.


I'll try to stop now ;)
 
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