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JOKE TIME!!!!

politics

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about politics? I am a dedicated Democrat."

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss politics when you don't know sh1t?"
 
redneck

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and K.C.
As they start their descent,
Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly!

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead, and she gave
you beer?"

Well.....not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,
You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."....

Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff
 
tools

Very informative and accurate.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW
S...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-
blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch
socket you've been searching
for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under
the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill
bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future
use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose
is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt;
but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were
last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off
their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit. Some primarily use it to make gaping holes in
walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAngIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling "DAngIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need.
 
????????????

>>ACTUAL COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years
old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor... when the lady got on the bus I
couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said 'The Double Mint Twins Are
Coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said 'Logan's Liniment
Will Reduce The Swelling' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant ad that read "William's Big Stick Did The Trick" and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said 'Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident'...
I just lost it."
 
life

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I 'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God,

"You asked for it."



So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.



LIFE... has now been explained to you
 
then & now

THEN: Long Hair
NOW: Longing for hair.

THEN: The perfect high.
NOW: The perfect high fiber cereal.

THEN: Keg.
NOW: EKG.

THEN: Acid Rock.
NOW: Acid Reflux.

THEN: Moving to California because it's cool.
NOW: Moving to California because it's warm.

THEN: You're growing pot.
NOW: Your growing a pot.

THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
NOW: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

THEN: Seeds and stems.
NOW: Roughage.

THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints.
NOW: Popping joints.

THEN: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
NOW: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

THEN: Paar.
NOW: AARP.

THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

THEN: Killer weed.
NOW: Weed killer.

THEN: Hoping for a BMW.
NOW: Hoping for a BM.

THEN: The Grateful Dead.
NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.

THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
NOW: Getting a new hip joint.

THEN: Rolling Stones.
NOW: Kidney stones.

THEN: Being called into the principal's office.
NOW: Calling the principal's office.

THEN: Screw the system!
NOW: Upgrade the system.

THEN: Peace sign.
NOW: Mercedes logo.

THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

THEN: Take acid.
NOW: Take antacid.

THEN: Passing the driver's test.
NOW: Passing the vision test.

THEN: Swanson's Mushy chicken in an aluminum platter.
NOW: Lean Cuisine's Mushy chicken in a plastic bag.

THEN: "Whatever"
NOW: "Depends"
 
friends

1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the **** away from me until you are well
again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask ?,

"Because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me!
 
sex ? nope!

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

"Not according to Dad," replied Chelsea.
 
dear abby

Dear Abby from Texas Good Ole Boy

Subject: Dear Abby from Texas Good Ole Boy

Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my
sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters,
who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other
brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally
open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?


Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
 
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel Like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a 'good old boy' from Kansas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome:tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time......... No one moves................. He removes his shirt................ Muscles ripple across his chest.......... She gasps.................................... He whispers......................................

"Iron this... then get me a beer."
 
just dont see eye to eye - men vs women

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE

One evening last week, we were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I can play that game too.
 
Police Comments

Subject: Police Comments


These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car video recorders in the police cars around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificat e a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning? You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, 'fair' is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy & corn dogs."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center)."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that (Police) Chief Hawker is a personal friend of you rs. So, you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give tickets to pretty women? You're right, we don't. Sign here..."
 
living will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bitch
 
true love

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Pittsburgh, he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail then."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
 
Irish

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.... "I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands,
a child in Africa dies."

A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!"

You Got To Love the Irish
 
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
 
Divorce Argument

Divorce Argument


A man and his wife were getting a divorce at court. But the custody of their children posed a problem The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the Judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children. The Judge asked for his side of the story too.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, Does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"



Don't laugh, he won.
 
dogs vs wives

Dogs vs. Wives (why lots of guys have two dogs and not two wives)

The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs like it you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog’s parents never visit.
Dogs do not hate their bodies
Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
Dogs can’t talk.
Dogs can be trained.
Dogs don't mind if you haven't showered for a few days.
Dogs enjoy petting in public.
You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours per day.
Dogs find you amusing when you are drunk.
Dogs like to go hunting.
Another man will seldom steal your dog.
If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
Dogs don’t wake you at 3 am & ask, “If I died would you get another dog?”
If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room free.
Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.
A dog will let you put a studded collar on without calling you a pervert.
A dog won’t hold out on you to get a new car.
If a dog smells another dog on you, they just think it’s interesting.
On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
Dogs like to ride in the back of the pick up truck.
When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
If a dog leaves, it won’t take half your stuff and all your money.
 
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION


The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed,” but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,” Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
 
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