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JOKE TIME!!!!

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please! ," says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
 
A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers.

She ended by saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy,

God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked: "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said: "I don't know daddy, it just
seemed like the thing to do."
The next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day, the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say:
"God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said:

"I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said: "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!
 
Celebracy

Vow of ''Celebracy''

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He''s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text ofthe Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master,he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every versionof the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a screamin the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering,

"An ''R''! They left out the ''R''."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again,"It''s the letter ''R''... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
 
A young guy from Ohio moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Ohio."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.

I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."


The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........."
 
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment
above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, Yeah, well... you started it."
 
THE ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for **** here.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch
 
Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of.. " You know you're a redneck when......."


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The salvation army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
 
Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.
Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ...................... No breasts
Average looking .......... Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ... On medication.
Feminist .................... Fat
Free spirit .................. Junkie
Friendship first .......... Former slut.
New-Age ............... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.
Open-minded ............. Desperate
Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional .............. Bitch
Voluptuous ................ Very Fat
Large frame ............... Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
 
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his ho! rse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb *** horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"
 
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with
my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"



-------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad,
where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"



-------------------------------------------------------


A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside,
and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at
all," "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a
great cook and really good with the kids."



-------------------------------------------------------


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40
years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to
tell me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I
now pronounce you man and wife."

____________________________________________________


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck
Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.



-------------------------------------------------------


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell
me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to
New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.



_______________________________________________________



Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder
of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied

"A golf gun?! Why would you say that? What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it made a hole in Juan."


_______________________________________________________



The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her
recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First
you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the
stock.

____________________________________________


This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring
at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he
walks over and asks, "How do you get into those
pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies,
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink."


_______________________________________________________



Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in ****."


_______________________________________________________



While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at
least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even
considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my
husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked.
"Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get
a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in
one."


_______________________________________________________



Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter
and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked
at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by
accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He
replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you
didn't say "a$$hole" afterwards."
 
Understanding Engineers - Take One


Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said”. “Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want '" The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice the clothes probably wouldn't have fit "


**************************************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty
To the engineer, the glass is not the correct size!

************************************************** *****
Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper let’s have a word with him”.

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters, they lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime”.

The group was silent for a moment


The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight ".

The doctor said, "Good idea And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see

if there's anything he can do for them ".

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

***********************************************

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets

**************************************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


**********************************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Six

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress:

The architect said he enjoyed spending time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both " "Both?" "Yeah If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


**************************************
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess " He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week " The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want " Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
 
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note: These are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!
___________________________________
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely! anything you wear Is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
 
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son.... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken coffee table $139.99, Hot breakfast $4.20, Two Aspirins .38. Saying the right thing at the right time...Priceless
 
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding, items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons
for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were
looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own..........so
does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how
you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the
same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to
get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is
your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several
pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover
it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
 
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (Now I know why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble??"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing??"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

"I don't know."

"Well, and then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.

"Dark??"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not??"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f**king stupid to own a computer."
 
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now . As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
 
brains

womens brain

femalebrain.jpg



mens brain

malebrain.gif
 
E.U. language

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the neogotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement & has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the 1st year,"S" will replace the soft "C". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "C" will be dropped in favour of "K". This should klear up konfusion, & keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "PH" will be replaced with "F". this will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "E" in the languag is disgrasful & it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" with "Z" & "W" with "V".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "OU" & after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis & evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a untied urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
 
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