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JOKE TIME!!!!

Subject: GODFATHER.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign
language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
>
> Don't ya just love lawyers?
 
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to **** for up to 8 full hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy ! of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person .Can we get naked now?.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him
 
Little Known Fact About The Alamo

Little Known Fact About The Alamo

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the
floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.
Col. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already up there.

As the three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them,
Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and asked,

"Jim....are we landscaping today?"
 
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'blood****ing creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER?



Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
 
You know you're from Canada when ...


You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You find -40c a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".
 
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile! because I don't know what is going on.
 
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
___________________________________________

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
______________ _____________________________

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
___________________________________________

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
___________________________________________

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
__________________________________________

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING! ! ! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
____________________________________________

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
__________________________________________

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa Beans! Another vegetable! ! It's the best feel-good food around!
___________________________________________

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
___________________________________________

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a Shape!
 
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
 
Old farmer gets pulled over by a city cop for speeding and as the cop is standing at the guys window, flies are buzzing all around him. As the officer checks the old man's license he quips, "sure a lot of flies around here, huh?"

To which the old man says, "sure are. Them's circle flies."

"Circle flies?"

"Yeah," the old man says, "I call them circle flies, cause when I go out to my barn, I see them flying in circles about my horses a$$."

"Oh," the cop says, then looking up surprised asks, "Hey, did you just say I'm a horses a$$?"

"No sir!" the old man replies with a grin, "I have too much respect for law men to call you that. But, it's awful hard to fool them flies, ain't it?"
 
A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure than you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
 
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay
bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the
name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until
you
tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for
the
slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his
SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will
give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting
to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of
yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty
cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes
a
lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys
call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD,
because
'Quality is Job One' " then he adds, " 'Have you driven a Ford lately?'
"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a
Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the
bartender
and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled
look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'Strong
Enough For A Man, But Made For A Woman!!!!' "
 
THE TOP FIVE SMART ASH ANSWERS OF THE YEAR



Smart-Ash Answer #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said,"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."



Smart-Ash Answer #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."


Smart-Ash Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day, "the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


Smart-Ash Answer #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead". Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police officer comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


Smart-Ash Answer #1

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever! "A smart-ash guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering! When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 
A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"
 
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.


"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.


Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went
upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
A husband and wife were getting ready to go out for the evening when the husband noticed his wife looking in the mirror and sighing.

"What's the matter?", he asked. (Being a caring husband)

"I wish my breasts were bigger", replied the wife.

"Well", said the husband, "if you want your breasts to grow, just wipe a piece of toilet paper between them once a day."

"You expect me to belive that just by wiping a piece of toilet paper between my breasts, that it will make them grow?"

"Well yeah", said the husband, "look what it did to your a$$."
 
Why Men Are Happier


What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be Prime Minister (God forbid).
You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
 
dreamtheatervt - these are just jokes I'm putting on this website, so its not me making these up & asking the questions.
& yes I know why our hair lightens & our skin darkens from sunlight. our hair is dead (except the root) so theres no reaction from it except to lighten (just like clothes) - our skin is alive & darkens as a defense mechanism to try to protect the body from the sunlight.
my answer might not be as good as yours or indepth but its the basic point.

but you could explain these to me :cheers:
- why is honey the only food that doesnt spoil ?
- how can a frog freeze solid & come springtime unthaws & comes back to life with no damage done to the frog from freezing ? (saw this on discovery, & yes theres a frog that this happens to them, amazing IMO)
- why/how can a octopus be able to choose the correct colors as its surroundings (or be really close to matching) but they're color blind ?
- why does the comet tail always point away from the sun, even when heading in the same direction ?
- why is the mediterranean sea called a SEA why not a GULF or a BAY ?
- heres a test will you know this, I'm sure you will. the numbers are low cased (but dont know how to do that).
C11 H17 N2 O2 S Na - I know the answer only because its a song :lol:
- last is WTF does this mean - " CWN ANWNN "


to everyone in general, I know this is a different setup for telling jokes compared to other sites but on those other sites people comment about the jokes, but here none do,why is that ? what no one finds these funny ?
 
I know...there are actually answers to most of them except the truely facietious ones. But to answer your questions...

Honey doesn't spoil due to it's low water content - it bacteria and mold can't grow in it.

Haven't heard of the frog before...seems impossible because frogs are cold blooded, and water expands as it freezes; but I'll take your word.

Comet tails always point away from a star because the radiation from a star travels faster than the comet itself, so when the electromagnetic radiation hits the comet causing evaporation, the vapor contines in the direction of the path of the radiation.

It's been called a sea too long and changing it would cause confusion. Another example is the Black Sea, which should technically be called a lake.

C11 H17 N2 O2 S Na = Sodium Pentathol...and I had "The Sound of White Noise" on cassette when I was a kid, so that means you are or were an Anthrax fan at one point :lol:

You made up "CWN ANWNN"??
 
dreamtheatervt said:
You made up "CWN ANWNN"??
Click to expand...

is a Danzig song but ???

the only thing I found that is close but spelled differently
In Welsh mythology, Cŵn Annwn ("hounds of Annwn") were the white, red-eared ghostly hounds of Annwn, the island otherworld of the afterlife. They were associated with the Wild Hunt, presided over by either Arawn or Gwynn ap Nudd.
 
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