Black tie restaurant. Party of 4 and one man has no tie.
"Sorry, sir. You must wear a tie to dine in this establishment."
The man goes out to his car, grabs jumper cables, ties them around his neck and heads back in.
The maitre 'd looked at the man, paused for another second and said,
"Well, I'm gonna go ahead and let you in. But don't try and start nothin'."
Two Jewish guys are seated at the table of a Mexican restaurant. After the waiter takes their orders, one guy asks the other "have you ever heard of any Mexican jews?" the other guy replies "come to think of it I don't believe I have." The other guy says "me either, hmm." When the waiter returns, one guy asks him "are there any Mexican jews?" He replies quickly "no senior, no Mexican jews." Then walks away. The two guys continue their discussion, not believing there are no Mexican jews. Perhaps he didn't understand the question, so they thought they'd ask again when he came back.
When the waiter returned with the food, one guy asks "hey bud, our peoples have been scattered around the four corners of the Earth, are you sure there are no Mexican jews?" He replies "I don't think so but I will ask the cook." They are satisfied that the guy is trying to be truthful and now seeking a second opinion.
He comes back and says "we have tomato jews, apple jews, orange jews but we have no Mexican jews."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says “You must be a manager.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
A cowboy riding up main street comes upon an indian feller in the middle of the road with his ear pressed to the ground. Cowboy asks, what ya doing there chief? Indian replies, stagecoach....four horse....man big hat...women green dress...The cowboy looks all around and says, well shit! You can tell all that by listening to the ground?? Indian says, No! Come by half hour ago. Motherfucker run me over!
An 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”