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jokes?

Rajun Gardener said:
Question for all the sous vide people in here: Am I doing it right? 

Asking for a friend...
 
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     No. Temp is way too high.
 

WarrantMan

Extreme Member
A man dies. He awakens to very posh surroundings. He thinks he's in heaven. While looking around, a man approaches him and says "I'm Lucifer and want to welcome you to hell." The man is bewildered, it doesn't resemble the "hell" he had in mind but rather a five-star hotel. "This is hell?" he asks. "Yes it is" Lucifer says, then went on "we get a bad rap from the folks upstairs, but yes this is hell and we welcome you!" The man can't believe it, it is so nice.
 
"It's your first day so let me tell you of the itinerary" Lucifer says. "Do you like alcohol?" Lucifer asks. "Well sure I do." The man replies. "Well, you're gonna love Mondays" says Lucifer, "it is free alcohol day, go up to any bar here and get whatever you like, beer, whiskey, vodka it doesn't matter. Get all you want, it's free and nobody is gonna hassle you!" The man is still puzzled, can't believe hell is so cool.
 
Then Lucifer asks "Do you like drugs?" To this, the man replies well sometimes I do a little... then the Devil cuts him off. "Well then, you're gonna love Tuesdays, it's free drugs day. Go up to any bar and get heroin, cocaine, weed or whatever drug you desire.  All you want for free, nobody to hassle you, no cops down here!" The man is excited, can't believe his luck, the coolest thing ever.
 
Then Lucifer asks "Do you like violent gay sex?"  "Violent gay sex, NO!" the man exclaims. Then the devil says "Ooh, you're gonna hate Wednesdays..."
 

WarrantMan

Extreme Member
Totally clean joke.
 
A piece of yarn walks into a bar and hops onto a bar stool. He tells the bartender "give me a beer." The bartender looks at him and says "not today buddy, we don't serve yarn." "Oh come on" says the yarn "all I want is a beer." "Nope" says the bartender, "you gotta go." With that, the yarns gets up, goes outside and sits on a curb.
 
Shortly after, a man walks by. The yarn yells "hey buddy!" the man looks around. Then the yarn yells "hey down here!" Then the man sees the yarn. "Could you do me a favor?" the yarn asks. "Well, I don't know, what is it?" The man replies. "Can you pick me up and tie me into a knot?" asks the yarn. "Well ok" says the man and he picks the yarn up and ties him into a knot. "Thanks" the yarn yells as the man walks away. The yarn then pulls out a big comb from his pocket and begins combing all over.
 
The yarn then goes back into the bar and hops on a stool. The bartender comes by and asks "what will it be?" "A beer" says the yarn. The bartender grabs a glass, pulls the tap and fills it. He is about to hand it to the yarn, then looks at him hard as says "Hey, wait just a minute, aren't you a yarn?" "No" the yarn says " I'm a frayed knot."
 
I will be here all week, please tip the waitresses....
 
 
 
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
 
A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
 

    Dear Son,

    I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. 
 We don't live where we did when you left. 
 Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.
 Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place has a washing machine.  
The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

    It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

    The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    About your sister, she had a baby this morning. 
 I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

    Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat.  
Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off , so he drowned.  
We cremated him and he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. 
 One was driving and the other two were in the back.  
The driver got out.  
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. 
 The other 2 drowned.  
They couldn't get the tail gate down.

    Not much more news this time. 
 Nothing much happened.  
If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma
 
[SIZE=13.5pt]Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]about their moonshine operation.[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt][/SIZE]















[SIZE=10pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough.[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt][/SIZE]









[SIZE=13.5pt]After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt][/SIZE]















[SIZE=10pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?"[/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt] [/SIZE]

[SIZE=13.5pt]The woman shook her head no.[/SIZE] 

Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?" 

The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no. 

The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her [SIZE=10pt][/SIZE]









[SIZE=13.5pt]drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt][/SIZE]















[SIZE=13.5pt]The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt][/SIZE]








[SIZE=13.5pt]flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]back to his table.[/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt][/SIZE]









[SIZE=13.5pt]His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt] [/SIZE][SIZE=13.5pt]niver seed nobody do it!"[/SIZE]







 
 
A man dies and goes to Hell. The Devil meets him at the door and tells him he must choose how he will spend Eternity.
 
The Devil leads him to a hallway with three doors. Opening the first door, the man sees several people doing headstands on a cold concrete floor.
 
The Devil asks if he would spend Eternity here, to which the man asks what other options there are.
 
They go to the next door, which the Devil opens to reveal several people doing headstands on hot coals. The Devil asks the man if he would prefer Eternity here, again the man replies he is not sure.
 
Behind the the third door is an expansive room filled with people, smoking cigarettes, drinking cocktails, and chatting. The only thing is, they are all up to their waist in feces. The Devil asks him once more if he would like Eternity here. The man thinks to himself that he could get used to the smell, and at least he can drink and smoke and have people to talk to, so he answers that this would be his choice.
 
The Devil says very well, hands him a drink and a smoke, and the man wades in, but before he can strike up a conversation, the Devil blows a whistle and shouts, "break-time is over, back on your heads!"
 
Three nuns go to see the Reverend Mother.
 
The first nun confesses she has seen a man's penis.
 
The Reverend Mother tells her she must wash her eyes with Holy Water, and she leaves to go to the chapel to do so.
 
The next nun confesses she touched a man's penis.
 
The Reverend Mother tells her she must wash her hand in Holy Water, and she also goes to the chapel.
 
Later, at the chapel, the third nun comes and and tells the other two, "move over girls, I have to gargle"!
 
Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched .

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."
 
Two nuns are polishing the pews on a very hot afternoon. One talks the other into going topless because of the heat.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. The nuns look at each, other wide-eyed...then one calls out,

"Who is it?"

A male voice responds, "It's the blind man."

The nuns decided it was safe enough and let him in.

He walks in holding Venetians and says,

"Nice tits, Sisters. Where do you want your blinds?"
 

WarrantMan

Extreme Member
A man is in a pub and has had too much to drink. He vomits and makes a mess on his shirt. He tries to clean it up as best he can. He walks to the bar and orders another drink while repeating quite loudly "man I am screwed, I am so screwed!" 
 
The bartender hands him his drink and asks "why?" he is "so screwed." 
 
The man points to his shirt and explains that his wife is gonna raise hell for him drinking so much and vomiting on his shirt.
 
"That's an easy fix" the bartender offers. "How so?" the man asks.
 
"Well" says the bartender, "just put a $10 bill in your front shirt pocket. When you get home and your wife says something about the vomit on your shirt, just explain that some drunk guy at the bar vomited on you and in apology gave you $10 to have your shirt cleaned and then show her the money." That's brilliant!" the guy says.
 
Later the man gets home and as expected his wife hammers him about the vomit on his shirt and his excessive drinking. "Wait a minute, it's not like it seems" he says. He then repeats the story as the bartender had said. He then says "the $10 is right here in my front shirt pocket if you don't believe me."  His wife reaches in and pulls out the money. "This is a $20 bill" she retorts. "Oh yeah" the man says, "the guy also sh*t my pants." 
 
A Texan farmer goes
to Australia for a
vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets
talking. The Aussie
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have
wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk
around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least
twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile,
almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through
the field. He asks, "And what are
those"?

The Aussie asks
with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in
Texas"?
 
A
farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is
trying to hold the farm together
until her husband can get out.
She's not, however, very good at farm
work, so she writes a letter to
him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want
to plant the potatoes. When
is the best time to do it?"

The farmer writes back: "Honey,
don't go near that field. That's
where all my guns are
buried."

But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So

when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the
farm
and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two
full
days of digging, they don't find one single
weapon.

The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should

plant the potatoes."
 
Farmer Brown decided his
injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company
(responsible for the accident) to court.
 
In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at
the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and
I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again
and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that,
at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene
that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was
fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer
and said to the lawyer,
"I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule
Bessie."

Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was
saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and
was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."

He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked
at me."

Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story.
"The patrolman
looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are YOU feeling'?"
 
Read this & worthy of sharing....
 
Don’t know how well it would work on ‘normal’ door to door sales people, but my grandmother accidentally discovered the perfect method for getting rid of religious callers.
One day, two well dressed young men (can’t remember whether they were mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses) rang her doorbell.
She gets up to answer it - and just after she opens the door, her pet black cat decides it’s had enough of being stuck in the house and the back garden, so makes a break for it… between her legs, straight past the two callers, who haven’t had the chance to open their mouths yet, and then the cat disappears under the garden gate and off up the street in a flash…
My seventy year old, 5 foot tall, angelic looking grandmother swears like a trooper, apologizes to the two young men, says “excuse me” before pushing past them to see where the cat has gone and starts shouting down the street “SATAN, GET BACK HERE… GET BACK IN THIS HOUSE NOW SATAN!” Then she turns back to the pair and says “Sorry, can’t speak right now - Satan’s gotten away from me!”
You’ve never seen Mormons look quite so shocked, nor beat quite so hasty a retreat!


 
 
53875467_2062599143832034_3312777411493363712_n.jpg

 
So I get home this morning and my dog is laying on my porch covered in dirt and mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty. 
Now, my neighbors raised these rabbits for 4H and have blue ribbon winners. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home. 
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming, so I go out and ask them what's wrong? 
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
 

WarrantMan

Extreme Member
A man comes home from work and finds his wife running around the house in an obvious state of excitement. "What's going on?" the man asks. His wife replies "I hit the lottery today for a million dollars, pack your suitcase!" The man gets excited, runs and grabs his suitcase and begins putting in some clothes. He then shouts "Should I pack for somewhere hot or somewhere cold?" His wife replies " I don't care, just get the f*ck out!" 
 
A young smitten couple are driving around at night on a date and they pull up to Lookout Point. He's feeling a little, you know, anxious...and she's ok with that.

A short time later, a local patrolman is tooling around and sees the young couple in the car. He pulls up for a closer look.

"Whaaa....is going on here?" He said, under his breath. "I better check this out."

The Patrolman walks up along the driver's side of the car...looking in the windows. As he gets up to the drivers window, he notices the guy is in the front seat and the girl is in the back.

"*Knock-Knock*...Roll down your window. please."

"Yes, Officer...?" Asked the male.

"What're you doin'?"

"Reading." Replied the guy.

"What's she doin'?"

The guy turns around and looks, "Knitting, I guess."

The Patrolman asks, "How old are you?"

"21." Said the guy.

"How old is she?" ...the Patrolman asked.

The guy looks at his watch and says, "In about 7 minutes, she'll be 18."
 
VULGAR:

A woman goes to the hospital for a scheduled surgery to reduce the size of her vaginal lips. Initially, she explicitly told the doc not to tell ANYBODY. The surgery starts and continues for 3 hours.

A couple hours after the surgery, the woman wakes up in recovery and sees that there are 3 roses on her table.

"DOOOOOOOC!" She yelled.

The Doctor rushed over to her room to see what was wrong.

"WH-WH-WHAAA...? WHAT IS IT?!?!" Questioned the Doctor.

The woman furiously said, "I specifically told you that I didn't want anyone knowing why I'm here."

"I know you did. What are you talking about?" Said the Doctor.

"There are 3 roses on my table. Where did they come from?" She asked.

I don't think you understand....." started the Doctor.

Continuing, the Doctor explained..."One rose is from me, because I felt horribly about you having to go through this alone. Aside from me, I DID let 2 other people know the basics of the surgery. The nurse who assisted me, because she had the same surgery a year earlier......"

"Yes?" Asked the woman. "What about the third rose?"

The third rose is from Mr. Pratt, a very nice man up in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
[:Fire: can turn your into ]
:rofl: :party: :rofl:
 
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