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jokes?

WarrantMan

Extreme Member
A very elderly man and woman found themselves on the same park bench one day. They started talking. Man did they hit it off. They had so much in common. So they began to meet on the bench everyday and developed a loving relationship.
 
At some point, the topic of "intimacy" came up. The woman explained that she was just "too old and frail" for intercourse and suggested that they might find some alternative. After some thought, the old man suggested that she reach her hand into his pants an just "hold on to him" for a while. So it was. They would meet daily at the bench, she would go down his pants and "hold him." It was their thing.
 
One day the woman shows up at the bench and the man was not there. She gets worried, thinking the worst. She starts to cry and in a fit of panic she runs around and suddenly sees the man on the other side of the park, sitting on a bench with a woman who had her hand down his pants. She is livid!  She runs up to the couple cursing and swearing. She really let's him have it. She then screams "I cant believe it, after all we've been through, our life's experiences, in our Golden years we finally have a perfect match, and now you're cheating on me with another woman? What does she have have that I don't?" 
 
Grinning, the old man replies "Parkinson's."
 

WarrantMan

Extreme Member
One for the "PC" crowd. :shame:
 
Three guys show up at a construction site for the first day of work. A black guy, a white guy and a Chinese man.
 
The foreman lines them up to give out assignments. He looks to the black guy and says "you see that pile of sand over there?" The black guy replies "yes." He then tells him to "get a shovel and put all that sand into the back of that truck." "You got it?" the foreman asks. "Yes sir I got it" the man replies.
 
He then looks to the white man and says "you see all the sand lying around here?" The white man replies "yes I see it." The foreman says "get a broom and sweep all the sand over to the pile so it can be loaded into the truck." "You got it?" the foreman asks. "Yes sir I got it" the man replies.
 
The foreman then looks at the Chinese man and says " Ok now, you're in charge of supplies, got it?" The Chinese man replies "Supplies, I got it." The foreman then leaves the site to go to another job.
 
He returns four hours later and discovers the black man sitting down and no sand had been moved from the pile. He is pissed. He runs up to the man and begins blessing him out for not working. The man stands and says "look boss, I know what you told me to do, get a shovel and put the sand in the truck, I came to work I need the money. I looked all over and couldn't find a shovel. I remembered you put the Chinese man in charge of supplies and he has disappeared, haven't seen him since you left this morning."
 
The foreman looks over and sees the white guy leaning against a post. All the sand is still scattered about the same as it was before he left. Now he is really pissed. He runs to the guy and starts giving it to him for being lazy and not working. The guy says "hey, I came to work, I've got a family to feed, I know what you asked me to do. Get a broom and sweep up all the sand. I looked all over for a broom and couldn't find one. I looked for the Chinese guy you put in charge of supplies but he left about the same time as you did."
 
Now the foreman is livid. He shouts loudly "where the f*ck is that Chinaman?" Then from behind the pile of sand, the Chinese man jumps out and yells "Supplies!"
 
This might be borderline warning point material :rofl: but I'm gonna spit it anyway.
 
 
Q: If your donkey bites my roosters feet off, what do we have?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
A: Two feet of my cock in your ass  :dance:
 

Shorerider

Staff Member
Moderator
Extreme Member
:shocked: ,  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:
 

WarrantMan

Extreme Member
A man calls up his buddy. He tells him he won two tickets to the World Series in a radio contest and asks if he would like to go. "Hell yes" the man replied. "Great,I will pick you up later"  the man says. He picks him up and they go to the game. They had a wonderful time. After the game ended they went to the massive parking lot and realized they didn't know where they had parked. They waited hours until the parking lot had nearly cleared before they found the car.
 
The next game day, the man phones up his bud and tells him "I've borrowed my sister's bright pink Honda, we won't have any trouble finding the car this time." They go to the game and had a blast. After the game, when they get to the parking lot, they look out and see there are tons of bright pink Hondas all around the parking lot. Again they had to wait hours before they found their car.
 
They tried similar tricks over the next few games. All of them failed. Then on the day of the final game, the man calls up his friend and says "Ok, I've got it this time, foolproof. My buddy works at the zoo only a few blocks from the stadium. We're gonna drive to the zoo, park the car and he is gonna let us borrow a Camel. We will ride the Camel to the stadium and when the game is over, ride the Camel back to the zoo and get our car." A "great" plan they both agreed.
 
So it was. They went to the zoo and rode the Camel into the parking lot. Tied him up to a railing and went into the stadium proud and confident. When the game was over, they returned to the parking lot to find six Camels also tied to the same railing. They are bewildered. "Now what?" the friend asks. His buddy says "don't worry, I've got this!" He then goes down the line of Camels raising their tails. "How can you tell which Camel is ours by raising the tail?" the friend asks. His buddy replies "Easy, I remember when we first got to the parking lot, I heard a guy yell 'hey look at the two assholes on the Camel!"
 

WarrantMan

Extreme Member
A young woman visits her doctor. When asked "what's wrong?" The woman says "I'm terribly depressed. I'm 22, never been on a date and I don't feel that life is worth living.." The doctor replies " I'm a general practitioner, I don't know a lot about psychology. I will set you up an appointment with a Chinese psychiatrist I know, he is really good, see him and you can work it out." The appointment is made.
 
On the day of the appointment, while in the examination room, the Chinese psychiatrist enters and asks the woman "what's wrong?" She proceeds to tell him " I'm 22 yrs. old, never been on a date, never kissed a man, I don't think life's worth living, no light at the end of the tunnel, I think I want to end it all." The psychiatrist looks at her hard, makes some notes and tells her to get undressed. "Get undressed?" The woman queries. "Yes, get undressed, it is part of examination." The doctor replies. She was skeptical, but he was offered as an expert by her own doctor, so she complied. 
 
Now nude, the doctor tells her "now get down on all fours." She asked "why?"  "Not to worry, part of examination." He says. So she got down on all fours. "Now crawl to opposite side of room!" he commands. So she crawls to the opposite side of the room. When she reaches the wall he commands "now come straight back!" She crawls straight back. He makes more notes and then tells her "get dressed I have solved problem." 
 
While getting dressed she asks the doctor "what is my problem?" He replies "you have Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever saw."  Horrified the woman asks "Ed Zachary disease, what is that?" The doctor replies "Your face look Ed Zachary like your ass." 
 
 

WarrantMan

Extreme Member
A monk named Murphy applies for a position in a very remote and secretive monastery. He is accepted and sent there. When he arrives, the head monk explains that the conditions at the monastery are strict and they all have to take and adhere to a "vow of silence." Only once a year at their annual feast can anyone other than the head monk speak he explains, and then it is limited to "only two words." 
 
After a year had passed and the monks were gathered at the long table for the annual feast, the head monk announces "here is the time to say a few words if you wish, Father Murphy, you are our junior member you may go first if you wish." To this, Father Murphy replies "bed hard." The head monk says "so your bed is too hard is it? Guess we gotta look into that."
 
Another year goes by and the same scene is repeated. Still the junior member, the head monk asks Murphy if he has anything to say. Murphy replies "food cold." "Oh you think the food is cold do you? Guess we better look into that." The head monk retorts.
 
Another year passes, same scene is repeated. When asked does he have anything to say, Murphy replies "I quit." The head monk exhales loudly and says "well that's no big shock to anyone, you've done nothing but complain since you got here!" 
 
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WarrantMan

Extreme Member
A group of very old guys are sitting around discussing "life." The subject turns to a familiar topic "aging" and how it relates to their bodies. One man chimes in "seems like every time I've gotta pee, I stand there and have to strain real hard to urinate." The others chirp in "yea yea, same here." Another man offered "I used to have bowel movements no problem, but now it seems like two or three times a week I have to take a laxative to get things moving!" The others chimed  "yea same here."  One fellow pipes up  "I have a bowel movement every morning at six a.m., regular as clockwork." All the others start to moan, then ask "what the hell are you bitching about then?"  The guy replies "I don't wake up until nine!" 
 
A panda walks into a taqueria.
He orders two tacos and gobbles them down.
Then suddenly he draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waitress, as the panda makes towards the exit.
The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waitress turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"Panda. Large black and white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."
 

WarrantMan

Extreme Member
A man hears a "newsflash" come across the radio, warning that a driver is on the interstate headed the wrong direction. Knowing his wife is headed out of town on the interstate, he calls to warn her. "Be careful honey, someone is driving the wrong way on the interstate" he says. "Someone hell ! There's hundreds of them!" she screams.
 
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