You Know You're a ChileHead If:
1. You don't have to worry about your roommates stealing your food
2. Your toilet paper spontaneously combusts after use
3. Dave Hirschkopf thinks *you're* crazy
5. Your Chile recipe is in violation of more than one nuclear weapons proliferation treaty
6. Your used kleenex tissues glow in the dark
7. Nobody asks you to do the cooking at your family reunion
8. Your kitchen utensils were designed and built by NASA
9. You're tired of people asking about those dried Thai peppers floating around in your breakfast cereal.
10. Your pepper garden is visible from the Moon
11. You use capsaicin-based pain ointment as a food additive
12. You have to file an environmental impact statement every time you make a batch of salsa.
13. The diaper service refuses to pick up your baby's soiled diapers
14. You have more than five Operstenys on your speed dial
15. You go into a medical clinic for a routine blood test and you get the strangest looks
16. You go into a medical clinic for a routine blood test and you get the strangest looks and your name isn't DancesWithCarp
17. You know every single one of Scott Sehlhorst's middle names
18. More than half of the souvenirs from that last tropical vacation were hot sauces and spices
19. Your monthly Mo Hotta Mo Betta order is free shipping & handling.
20. You throw a scrap of food to the dog and he looks at you as if to say "you must think I'm an idiot"
21. The only reading material in the house contains at least one of the following words in the title, Chile, MO, Pepper, Hot.
22. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
23. You can correctly spell and pronounce chipotle and capsicum, and you know to which food group they belong.
24. You never go in to a food store without checking the price, or selection of hot peppers and hot sauces.
25. The door of your refrigerator has more than thirty bottles of hot sauce.
26. The sissy salsa you made, accidentally, seems to set most of your coworkers on fire.
27. You have at least one item of clothing or a coffee mug emblazoned with chiles.
28. The law requires you to build a six foot high fence around your swimming pool and Chile garden.
29. Your flatulence is capable of peeling the paint off the walls.
30. Your hands are so tough from handling hot peppers, you occasionally, forget and touch something that isn't so tough.
31. Hotluck is a word in your vocabulary, and you've been to one.
32. "Ring of fire" and "burns twice" actually mean something to you.
33. You suspect botulism can't grow in the habanero based sauce you created last winter, and you aren't afraid to test the theory, on your brother-in-law.
34. You carry your own bottle of "Inner Beauty Sauce" into restaurants.
35. You have more that 3 variations of Inner Beauty Sauce in your fridge (and none of them are "homemade".)
36. You can tell the difference between the "original" and "new" Inner Beauty Sauce
37. You care about beans v. no beans in your chilli/chili/Chile
38. You think of hot sauces as final products having recipes, not ingredients
39. Chips are only a means of carrying salsa from the bowl to your mouth
40. You rate chili by how long it takes the skin under your eyes to sweat
41. You rate all foods by how long it takes your nose to run
42. You apply capsaicin in unorthodox ways (repel your grilled foods with pepper spray, snort powdered peppers like snuff, intentionally grind peppers in your coffee grinder)
43. You keep bleach and contact lens cleaner in the kitchen, next to the gloves you "should have worn"
44. You don't know how hot the salsa really was until you kiss someone else, and they run for the nearest faucet
45. You know more about TMV, botulism and whiteflies than the whole staff of your local county extension office
46. You request penance from Cardinal Begg after particularly bland activities
47. You know how to 'tape' a cat
48. You know what a tilde is, and how to use it.
49. You bring your own peppers to a Thai restaurant, and tell them, "Start with these..."
50. You know what 8-methyl-N-vanillyl-6-nonenamide is, and how to use it.
51. You take tender loving care of your plants, and stress them out with abuse every chance you get.
52. You have a bottle of Contact Lens wetting solution in your kitchen, and know how to use it.
53. You have ever put Chile peppers into your smoker ...by themselves.
54. You know what an unsubscribe command is, and DON'T know how to use it.
55. You've ever danced with carp, howled for habaneros, sought Chile sisters, taped a cat, or jerked a chicken.
56. You are frequently described by a name composed of the word "Leather" or "Asbestos" followed by the word "Mouth," "_ss," or "B_tt."
57. You have more than one molcajete, NOT in use as speaker stands.
58. You know how to make horseradish, and why not to.
59. You hand our Ripe Habaneros to trick-or-treaters when you run out of candy, and you draw little jack o'lantern faces on them before handing them out. "They're itty bitty pumpkins!"
60. People laugh when you invite them over for dinner, look at you like you're crazy, and walk away without answering.
61. People suddenly remember, that the very night you've invited them for dinner, they'll be having that elective surgery they've been postponing for years. (And they actually get the surgery instead having dinner, figuring, correctly, that it'll hurt less.)
62. You laugh (devilishly) when you invite newbies for dinner.
63. It's not mealtime, it's time for a fix.
64. You accidentally add a glop instead of a drop of that radioactive hot sauce (the one with the chemical taste and smell) and say to yourself "Oh well, it can't be _that_ hot" and it isn't.
65. You have mornings where you can't tell if your butt is sweating, or crying.
66. When your friends at work try to find something too hot for you ...and fail.
67. When you friends ask if you're going to put hot sauce on your pumpkin pie and you do
68. Your spell check file contains words such as; Hotluck, Chipotle, capsicum
69. You label temporary backup files *.hab
70. After 5 years, your sister STILL complains that your Chile ruined her stomach
71. The waitress doesn't believe you when you order
72. You own stock in Tucks medicated pads
73. You've ever eaten Salsa with the words "Insanity" or "hell" in the name, straight.
74. You know you're a Chile-head BACHELOR (or college student) when...
- you can make a Taco Bell burrito taste good...
- a "hot date" involves you, a Chile pot, and a dozen habenaros...
- you drink Chile-beer, from a bong...
- the word "capsicum" turns you on...
- you know what Sexually Transmitted Capsaicin means.
75. If you've ever tried to _literally_ Smoke a Jalapeno
76. You mix habs into the cheese before stuffing your poppers, for flavor
77. You search the recipes on the CH web page, and enter your own name as a criterion, you get multiple hits
78. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
79. You know what a merkin is (in both Texan and English)
80. You consider _eating_ hornworms, because the capsaicin may not be digested
81. You take ground peppers to lunch with you, and your co-workers don't flinch
82. You keep (at least) salsa, sauce, dried, and dried/ground peppers at your desk for booster shots to get you through the day (probably more for most of you, but I just checked my drawer here)
83. You brag about the size of your pepper(s)
84. You've offered your sister to a complete stranger (thanks again, those who have)
85. You use cheep beer for 3 things - drinking, making Chile, slugs
86. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
87. You don't assume that cajun means blackened with McIllhenney's
88. If it doesn't quicken your pulse, it ain't worth eating
89. You know enough about substance P to talk to a pre-med at a cocktail party
90. You remember Curtis "a recipe for every occasion" Jackson
91. You have a collection of .gifs and .jpegs of chiles
92. When you search your MC cookbook using "Chile" you get >700 hits.
93. When you narrow it to "habanero" you only get down to 216.
94. You get excited when someone says "they don't make it hot enough..."
95. You also enjoy watching big-ego-idiots (one word) gulp water like lizards
96. You screen dates by ordering poppers or skins as appetizers
97. You dance the Chile head cha cha (new hats- read the Cha Cha Bread recipe)
98. You sign e-mail Givenname "humor" Familyname
99. You play the viola, scratch your Brian, and never misplet cow-orker
100. You have a paintbrush, and use it for sexual purposes
1. You don't have to worry about your roommates stealing your food
2. Your toilet paper spontaneously combusts after use
3. Dave Hirschkopf thinks *you're* crazy
5. Your Chile recipe is in violation of more than one nuclear weapons proliferation treaty
6. Your used kleenex tissues glow in the dark
7. Nobody asks you to do the cooking at your family reunion
8. Your kitchen utensils were designed and built by NASA
9. You're tired of people asking about those dried Thai peppers floating around in your breakfast cereal.
10. Your pepper garden is visible from the Moon
11. You use capsaicin-based pain ointment as a food additive
12. You have to file an environmental impact statement every time you make a batch of salsa.
13. The diaper service refuses to pick up your baby's soiled diapers
14. You have more than five Operstenys on your speed dial
15. You go into a medical clinic for a routine blood test and you get the strangest looks
16. You go into a medical clinic for a routine blood test and you get the strangest looks and your name isn't DancesWithCarp
17. You know every single one of Scott Sehlhorst's middle names
18. More than half of the souvenirs from that last tropical vacation were hot sauces and spices
19. Your monthly Mo Hotta Mo Betta order is free shipping & handling.
20. You throw a scrap of food to the dog and he looks at you as if to say "you must think I'm an idiot"
21. The only reading material in the house contains at least one of the following words in the title, Chile, MO, Pepper, Hot.
22. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
23. You can correctly spell and pronounce chipotle and capsicum, and you know to which food group they belong.
24. You never go in to a food store without checking the price, or selection of hot peppers and hot sauces.
25. The door of your refrigerator has more than thirty bottles of hot sauce.
26. The sissy salsa you made, accidentally, seems to set most of your coworkers on fire.
27. You have at least one item of clothing or a coffee mug emblazoned with chiles.
28. The law requires you to build a six foot high fence around your swimming pool and Chile garden.
29. Your flatulence is capable of peeling the paint off the walls.
30. Your hands are so tough from handling hot peppers, you occasionally, forget and touch something that isn't so tough.
31. Hotluck is a word in your vocabulary, and you've been to one.
32. "Ring of fire" and "burns twice" actually mean something to you.
33. You suspect botulism can't grow in the habanero based sauce you created last winter, and you aren't afraid to test the theory, on your brother-in-law.
34. You carry your own bottle of "Inner Beauty Sauce" into restaurants.
35. You have more that 3 variations of Inner Beauty Sauce in your fridge (and none of them are "homemade".)
36. You can tell the difference between the "original" and "new" Inner Beauty Sauce
37. You care about beans v. no beans in your chilli/chili/Chile
38. You think of hot sauces as final products having recipes, not ingredients
39. Chips are only a means of carrying salsa from the bowl to your mouth
40. You rate chili by how long it takes the skin under your eyes to sweat
41. You rate all foods by how long it takes your nose to run
42. You apply capsaicin in unorthodox ways (repel your grilled foods with pepper spray, snort powdered peppers like snuff, intentionally grind peppers in your coffee grinder)
43. You keep bleach and contact lens cleaner in the kitchen, next to the gloves you "should have worn"
44. You don't know how hot the salsa really was until you kiss someone else, and they run for the nearest faucet
45. You know more about TMV, botulism and whiteflies than the whole staff of your local county extension office
46. You request penance from Cardinal Begg after particularly bland activities
47. You know how to 'tape' a cat
48. You know what a tilde is, and how to use it.
49. You bring your own peppers to a Thai restaurant, and tell them, "Start with these..."
50. You know what 8-methyl-N-vanillyl-6-nonenamide is, and how to use it.
51. You take tender loving care of your plants, and stress them out with abuse every chance you get.
52. You have a bottle of Contact Lens wetting solution in your kitchen, and know how to use it.
53. You have ever put Chile peppers into your smoker ...by themselves.
54. You know what an unsubscribe command is, and DON'T know how to use it.
55. You've ever danced with carp, howled for habaneros, sought Chile sisters, taped a cat, or jerked a chicken.
56. You are frequently described by a name composed of the word "Leather" or "Asbestos" followed by the word "Mouth," "_ss," or "B_tt."
57. You have more than one molcajete, NOT in use as speaker stands.
58. You know how to make horseradish, and why not to.
59. You hand our Ripe Habaneros to trick-or-treaters when you run out of candy, and you draw little jack o'lantern faces on them before handing them out. "They're itty bitty pumpkins!"
60. People laugh when you invite them over for dinner, look at you like you're crazy, and walk away without answering.
61. People suddenly remember, that the very night you've invited them for dinner, they'll be having that elective surgery they've been postponing for years. (And they actually get the surgery instead having dinner, figuring, correctly, that it'll hurt less.)
62. You laugh (devilishly) when you invite newbies for dinner.
63. It's not mealtime, it's time for a fix.
64. You accidentally add a glop instead of a drop of that radioactive hot sauce (the one with the chemical taste and smell) and say to yourself "Oh well, it can't be _that_ hot" and it isn't.
65. You have mornings where you can't tell if your butt is sweating, or crying.
66. When your friends at work try to find something too hot for you ...and fail.
67. When you friends ask if you're going to put hot sauce on your pumpkin pie and you do
68. Your spell check file contains words such as; Hotluck, Chipotle, capsicum
69. You label temporary backup files *.hab
70. After 5 years, your sister STILL complains that your Chile ruined her stomach
71. The waitress doesn't believe you when you order
72. You own stock in Tucks medicated pads
73. You've ever eaten Salsa with the words "Insanity" or "hell" in the name, straight.
74. You know you're a Chile-head BACHELOR (or college student) when...
- you can make a Taco Bell burrito taste good...
- a "hot date" involves you, a Chile pot, and a dozen habenaros...
- you drink Chile-beer, from a bong...
- the word "capsicum" turns you on...
- you know what Sexually Transmitted Capsaicin means.
75. If you've ever tried to _literally_ Smoke a Jalapeno
76. You mix habs into the cheese before stuffing your poppers, for flavor
77. You search the recipes on the CH web page, and enter your own name as a criterion, you get multiple hits
78. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
79. You know what a merkin is (in both Texan and English)
80. You consider _eating_ hornworms, because the capsaicin may not be digested
81. You take ground peppers to lunch with you, and your co-workers don't flinch
82. You keep (at least) salsa, sauce, dried, and dried/ground peppers at your desk for booster shots to get you through the day (probably more for most of you, but I just checked my drawer here)
83. You brag about the size of your pepper(s)
84. You've offered your sister to a complete stranger (thanks again, those who have)
85. You use cheep beer for 3 things - drinking, making Chile, slugs
86. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
87. You don't assume that cajun means blackened with McIllhenney's
88. If it doesn't quicken your pulse, it ain't worth eating
89. You know enough about substance P to talk to a pre-med at a cocktail party
90. You remember Curtis "a recipe for every occasion" Jackson
91. You have a collection of .gifs and .jpegs of chiles
92. When you search your MC cookbook using "Chile" you get >700 hits.
93. When you narrow it to "habanero" you only get down to 216.
94. You get excited when someone says "they don't make it hot enough..."
95. You also enjoy watching big-ego-idiots (one word) gulp water like lizards
96. You screen dates by ordering poppers or skins as appetizers
97. You dance the Chile head cha cha (new hats- read the Cha Cha Bread recipe)
98. You sign e-mail Givenname "humor" Familyname
99. You play the viola, scratch your Brian, and never misplet cow-orker
100. You have a paintbrush, and use it for sexual purposes