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Burgers? Hell Yeah!!

Hey y'all looking through the sacred THP scrolls it is apparent that most awesome of foods is sorely neglected. That's right chidren's, I'm talkin' about BURGERS!! Sliders. Pub burgers. Fast food style burgers. Gastro burgers. Cheffy burgers. CHEESEBURGERS!!! Single and double meat. Triple meat. Extreme burgers. Man vs. Food burgers....the list is endless but y'all get the idea.

We won't go into the endless arguments of who created the first hamburger (Fletcher Davis) or what meat qualifies as a burger. Nonetheless....here are the rules for posting in this soon to be awesome thread:

1. Any meat goes. Beef, chicken, pork, lamb, rat, fish. Whatever, hunt it down and kill it with a knife. Its all good and I've included the options other than the traditional beef so all the kids can play in the pool. If its ground and round, its all good.

2. The damn 'thang has to be between 2 slices of bread or bun. White bread. Brioche. Sourdough. English muffin. Whole wheat. Its got to be bready. No wrap crap or wild pizza dough like chingaderra's.

3. Any cooking method goes. Grilled. Broiled. Griddled. Steamed. Deep fried. Zippo lighter.

4. Because I love to ridicule to no end tree hugging granola wimps and hippy's.....
Veggie burgers are all good. Just be prepared for the woe and gnashing of teeth and smack talk that will soon come if you post it. It will be all in fun and all good.

5. You suck at cooking? The only thing that would suck more is if you posted pics of your restaurant burger. For the sake of keeping the comedy rolling...
Any burger you didn't cook or you bought is allowed and is all good. Warning: while allowed, posting pics of BK burgers or their ilk with a splash of tabasco will bring upon you the most ridicule and insults. Even more than a veggie burger!

6. Chile's and/or hotsauce is mandatory on the burger. ON the burger, no crap on the side.

7. Pics are mandatory. No posting about a burger you made or ate without pics. You will suffer extreme ridicule and experience much loathing. Just don't do it.

8. Include a list of condiments and toppings. Mayo. Mustard. Onions. Cheese. Extract of male baboon spermatazoa. Whatever. Post it.

There it is y'all. Can you get down brown with it? Allrighty then...

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Here's mine. Sliders. 80/20 ground chuck from Matador Meat Market, Frisco, Tx. Cooked over fine diced yellow onions in cast iron using the smash technique. Toasted Pepperidge Farm slider buns with mustard, the onions, dill pickle and jalapeno pickle slices. Kraft brand American Plastic Cheese.

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Adult beverages are encouraged in the pics but not mandatory. Dig that awesome cast iron crust sear!

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So bring on your burgers. And that means those damn Aussie's and their stinkin' beet root too!!
 
So decided to try smoking some burgers last night, rather than doing them quick over direct heat like I usually do.  Overcooked the beef to buggery as I was off my tits. Apparently, my coal control leaves something to be desired when I am blasted.  Still have some meat left over, so will try again tomorrow. 
 
 
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WHERE'S THE PINK????!!!!!! 
 
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I don't care about the pink.
 
Or even if it was dry.
 
That's what beer.
 
Mayo.
 
And hot sauce is for.
 
As long as it tasted goodern' hell.
 
Would I eat that burger?
 
 
You're got dang right I would.
 
Here is the full post on that burger.
 
 
 
 


Fixings
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Bacon
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Burgers

80/20 chuck lightly handled into 3/4lb patties and nicely seasoned with Cajun spice, black pepper and salt
Grilled over high heat for a nice sear
Add cheese and get a nice melt

My tips for great burgers

Do not over handle the meat and do not mix spices into it
Season the unformed chunk of chuck and then gently form the patty
Leave them thick and form a deep divot in the center, I use my thumb, this divot keeps them from shrinking up
Sear them well, this is beef, I cook to medium-medium well


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Money Shots

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ChileRelleno said:
My tips for great burgers

Leave them thick and form a deep divot in the center, I use my thumb, this divot keeps them from shrinking up
I believe in the divot but it does not prevent shrinkage, it presents a fat center with thin edges for a more uniform shape...
 
texas blues said:
 
For true.
 
However.
 
The smash technique eliminates the need.
 
I still do love a fat ass burger.
 
With the camel toe and all.
 
CR brings it big time.
I'm glad you like it... Here, chew on these.
 
 
 
I had a hankering, an urge for bacon cheeseburgers, and that itch demanded scratching!
Went to the store and picked up all the fixings, got home and my plan for the traditional burger took a left turn.
I was holding a cold can of Mt. Dew and it struck me, I must construct some Beer Can... Errr...  Dew Can Burgers.

Now me being who I am I decided that these were going to be some seriously big bad belly bombs, with some big heat to them.
I had just the ingredient to make any chilehead happy, some freshly pickled Jamaican Scotch Bonnet chiles.
Threw in a freshly roasted Poblano chile and plenty of Cayenne pepper for some added flavor.

Big Bad Belly Bombs

Two 1lb hunks of ground Chuck 80:20 (mine were 1-1/4lb)
1/2C minced JSB chiles, red onion, bell pepper, and garlic
1lb Bacon, precooked for stuffing and raw for wrapping
4T Bacon grease
1 Roasted and skinned Pablano chile
1 Sliced Tomato
1C Three Cheese blend
Salt and Cayenne pepper to taste

Setup smoker for 275°-300° with whatever wood ya like, I used Hickory

Take one hunk of Chuck and form a big'ol round patty about 1" thick
Insert Dew can and form a pocket, push the chuck high up against the can about half way
Spice with salt and cayenne, fill with 1/4C minced veggies, add 2T bacon grease
Break precooked bacon into 1" pieces and place around the filling like a fence
Wrap raw bacon around the burger and toothpick in place

Smoke on a tight weave rack, e.g. jerky rack for about 1.5hrs
Pull and top with cheese and whatever else sounds good
I did one with just cheese and the other with a thick tomato slice, strips of Pablano chile and cheese
Crank up the heat (300°+) and finish for another 45-60 minutes
Let cool and they can be sliced for presentation
Slices can be put on a bun for traditional burgers, or just plate and chow down

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The one pic.
 
Looks like a burger patty.
 
With a schmelty scheeze covered.
 
Bloomin' onion comin' out the top.
 
That looks chingon as hell!
 
Or it might be an alien face hugger.
 
Emerging from the patty.
 
I really can't tell.
 
Still ono grindz.
 
A day well spent,
all morning annoying our children, spend lunch cleaning an old black powder muzzleloader that I inherited and then helping cooking an awesome dinner for the family.

The Menu
Loaded Bacon Cheeseburgers and Homemade Fries

The Fries
Scrub down several large baking potatoes
Julienne into 1/4"-1/2" fries
Deep fry at 375° till just golden, lift basket, let oil reheat and then finish to crisp
Salt/season well while still dripping oil
Serve HOT!

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Loaded Bacon Cheeseburgers
5lbs of prime 80/20 Chuck divided eight ways, .62lb patties
Lightly handled into patties and nicely seasoned with Cajun spice, black pepper and salt
Grilled over high heat for a nice sear
Add cheese and get a nice melt

My tips for great burgers
Do not over handle the meat and do not mix spices into it, and above all don't smash'em flat while cooking
Season the unformed chunk of chuck and then gently form the patty
Leave them thick and form a deep divot in the center, I use my thumb, this divot keeps them from shrinking up
Blazing hot, clean and oiled grill, and once down don't move'em till ya flip'em
Sear them well, this is beef, I cook to medium-medium well

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The Finale

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