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JOKE TIME!!!!

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
 
Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster is doing, he politely asks, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replies Nancy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor is concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy pats down the last heap of earth, then replies, "That's because he's inside your f***ing cat."
 
Not read ALL of these, but:

1. A man rushes into a bar looking really, really flustered. Before he's even at the bar, he shouts at the bar tender "Quick! Give me a quadruple whiskey!". The bar tender pours it and the man downs it, quick as a flash. "Wow," says the bartender "you drank that really fast."

"Ah, you'd drink fast too, if you have what I've got" said the man.

"Wow. What have you got?" Says the barman

"About 15 cents..."

2. A man walks into a bar one night with a flamingo and a cat. He buys a beer for himself, an orange juice for the cat, and a water for the flamingo. They sit and drink. After a while, the flamingo walks to the bar and buys a round. They sit and drink. when they've finished, the cat goes to the toilet, and the man, sighing and shaking his head, buys a round.

This goes on for a few nights: the man buys the first round, then the flamingo, then the man again, and the cat keeps going to the loo when it's his turn.

Eventually, the barkeeper asks the guy "Look, what's the story here? You keep coming in here with this flamingo and this cat, and the cat never buys the drinks, what's the score?"

"Well," says the man "I found a magic lantern a few days ago> I rubbed it, see, and this genie popped out. For real. And he gave me a few wishes. So, first, I asked for money, and that's what I'm using to buy these drinks"

"OK," says the barman, "but that doesn't explain the flamingo an the cat. Did you wish for them?"

"Not exactly, no", says the man, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a tight pussy, but the genie took it as two seperate wishes..."



Apologies for any offence.
 
Oh, and another:

Little Johnny is at school, and they're having an english lesson.

"Now, Peter" says the teacher to one of Johnny's classmates, "can you think of a sentence with the word "requirement" in it?"

"Yes miss" says peter "the hotel suited all our requirements".

"Very good. Now, Johnny, can you think of a sentence with the word "contagious" in it?"

"Johnny thinks for a while. "Yes miss. The man next door to us is painting his house with a toothbrush at the moment. My dad says it'll take the c*nt ages."
 
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go
into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,
"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my
lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere
in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked
and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony
and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell
to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my
hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I
unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and
died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. W
elcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was
Donald Trump.

"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day
was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had
been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my
stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally
fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below
mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his
apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I
fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I
didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off
the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me
instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I
could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the
Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump
enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me
what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"
 
Lady Diana and Mother Teresa are at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter lets them both in, no questions asked. A few days later Mother Teresa approaches St. Peter in a very bad mood. St. Peter asks her what's wrong. She replies, "Well, I have donated my enitre life to helping out the poor and destitute acroos the world, sleeping in mud huts, drinking polluted water and eating the worst food on the planet, but all in the name of humanity. I see Lady Diana, a rich b*tch who threw a couple charity functions, and she has a bigger halo than me, what's up with that?"
St. Peter looks at Mother Teresa and says, "That's not a halo, it's a steering wheel".
 
A guy goes to a Supermarket and notices a
beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather
taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her
from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one
of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever
been Unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh My God, are you
the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the
pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your
son's math teacher.
 
Here's a few for the Creator....

Q: Whats the difference between a fridge and a vagina?
A: A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

Q: How many babies does it take to paint a house?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them

Q: Whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb
 
Q: Whats white and red and sits in a corner screaming?
A: A baby playing with a razor blade.

Q: Whats red and green and sits in a corner?
A: The same baby three months later.
 
Sickmont said:
Q: Whats white and red and sits in a corner screaming?
A: A baby playing with a razor blade.

Q: Whats red and green and sits in a corner?
A: The same baby three months later.
Click to expand...
Oh god, dead baby jokes, someone stop him before I start posting more (see last post right here and here for good previously posted dead baby jokes)
 
Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.



Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
 
Denio said:
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Click to expand...

Those were great Denio, thanks!
 
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