Tina, those aren't jokes, those are political slights, and you posted them to annoy certain members. It's quite obvious. Please don't do that. Posts removed.
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JOKE TIME!!!!
- Thread starter bubbaschili
- Start date
They aren't jokes??? Then why did you laugh when you read them?
When you post them just to annoy another member they are not jokes, they become attacks. Four targeted political jokes in a row. Deleted.
8) Politics, religion, and sensitive topics are not allowed. Yes, there is freedom of speech, but this is also a privately owned forum. These topics just lead to arguments.
I guess now we have to refer to this for jokes too.
8) Politics, religion, and sensitive topics are not allowed. Yes, there is freedom of speech, but this is also a privately owned forum. These topics just lead to arguments.
I guess now we have to refer to this for jokes too.
Like I said before... Anyone can tell a political joke but me.
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
I posted them, because they were funny.
How the hell telling a joke about the Prime Minister of Canada is supposed to annoy anyone but a Canadian, I'll never know.
It's not a public forum is right.
It's a republican stronghold.
How the hell telling a joke about the Prime Minister of Canada is supposed to annoy anyone but a Canadian, I'll never know.
It's not a public forum is right.
It's a republican stronghold.
Delete my membership.
Don't be hasty. The politics rules mentions sensitivity. If you stick to that, you can tell light humor with no problem.
Bullsh*t.
Okay fine. I'll deactivate your account as requested.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.!
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs"
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets.! "
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubblegum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..... "
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.!
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs"
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets.! "
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubblegum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..... "
I would just like to wish Tina good luck in anything that she does.
RIP Tina Brooks' membership to the Hot Pepper Forum (Sept 2004-August 2006).
And now back on topic...Dang Denio! How many joke books do you own?
RIP Tina Brooks' membership to the Hot Pepper Forum (Sept 2004-August 2006).
And now back on topic...Dang Denio! How many joke books do you own?
Government Contracts
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900:
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and
$100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
$1,000 for me and $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee."
Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900:
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and
$100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
$1,000 for me and $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee."
Good Advice
A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.
Every
time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. You gotta help
me,
I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. Come
to
me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" The shrink said, "a hundred dollars per
visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Bob. Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you
ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? Not me. I told my story to a bartender and he cured me after 3 beers.
"Is that so ! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.
Every
time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. You gotta help
me,
I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. Come
to
me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" The shrink said, "a hundred dollars per
visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Bob. Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you
ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? Not me. I told my story to a bartender and he cured me after 3 beers.
"Is that so ! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Supermarket
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic mist machine to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a
thunderstorm .
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic mist machine to keep
the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a
thunderstorm .
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
Spanish Lesson
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish and other Romance languages, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish and other Romance languages, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Water vs Alcohol
I sure hope you water drinkers read this!
Water vs. Alcohol
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one
liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia
Coli (E-Coli) Bacteria f! ound in water that contains feces.
In other words, we are consuming one kilo of crap.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum,
gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because
alcohol has to go through a distillation process
of boiling, filtering and fermentation.
It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who
are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been
scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for
you.
THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk
crap than to drink water and be full of it !!
I sure hope you water drinkers read this!
Water vs. Alcohol
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one
liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia
Coli (E-Coli) Bacteria f! ound in water that contains feces.
In other words, we are consuming one kilo of crap.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum,
gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because
alcohol has to go through a distillation process
of boiling, filtering and fermentation.
It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who
are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been
scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for
you.
THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk
crap than to drink water and be full of it !!
Hunters
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What Should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions.. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be
breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What Should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions.. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"
Irish Humor
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one
guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from
listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guys responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street
did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guys says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to
what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, :And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 too." About
this time a woman walks in to the bar, sits down and orders a
drink.
The bartender walks over to her shaking his head and muttering, "It's
going to be a long night tonight."
The woman asks, "Why do you say that?"
The bartender replies, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one
guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from
listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guys responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street
did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guys says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to
what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, :And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 too." About
this time a woman walks in to the bar, sits down and orders a
drink.
The bartender walks over to her shaking his head and muttering, "It's
going to be a long night tonight."
The woman asks, "Why do you say that?"
The bartender replies, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."