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JOKE TIME!!!!

Blonde Joke ??

Bubba and Earl, mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're suppose to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced "eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Earl shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We asked for the height, and she gives us the length!"
 
An old woman was standing nude in front of the mirror, looking at herself. "I'm fat, wrinkled and old. Everything on me is disgusting and sagging. Say something nice to make me feel better", she told her husband.

He replied "your eyesight is perfect".
 
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you........... Tray-up, Bitch !
 
Should children witness child birth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.  The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.  Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.  The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom, Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........  smack his ass again!"

 

If you didn't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you. :clap:
 
Perfect marriage

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.



2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.



3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.



4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.



5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.


6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric
bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.


7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."


8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.


9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" . The driver said "No, jump in!"


10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.


11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.


12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.


13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
 
????

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED; FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT

Let's see if I understand
how the world works lately..


If a man cuts his finger off
while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.






If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,

I want all of you to blame Bill Gates...okay
 
UP

There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and ! often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........... Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
 
HOW TRUE

Five surgeons are discussing whose patients make the best surgical candidates.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table.
When you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in. "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.
And if the job takes longer than you said it would, no big deal."

But the fifth surgeon topped them all. "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine.

And on top of that, the head and the @$$ are interchangeable."
 
Need to Know ?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
> have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
>
> (Hardly seems worth it.)
>
> If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
> enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
>
> (Now that's more like it!)
>
> The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
> out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
>
> (O.M.G.!)
>
> A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
>
> (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
>
> A cockroach will live nine days without its head before
> it starves to death.
>
> (Creepy.)
>
> (I'm still not over the pig.)
>
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a
> hour
>
> (Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
>
>
> The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
> is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
> head off.
>
> ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
>
> The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a
> human jumping the length of a football field.
>
>
> (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
>
> The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
>
> (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
>
> Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
>
> (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
> quantity)
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet.
>
> (Something I always wanted to know.)
>
> The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
>
> (Hmmmmmm......)
>
> Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
> than left-handed people.
>
> (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
>
> Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
>
> (okay, so that would be a good thing)
>
> A cat's urine glows under a black light.
>
> (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
>
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
>
> (I know some people like that.)
>
> Starfish have no brains
>
> (I know some people like that too.)
>
> Polar bears are left-handed.
>
> (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
>
> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
> for pleasure.

>
> (What about that pig??)
 
Diets

And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer hear! t attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 
RULES FOR MEN

Subject: Rules for Men


>
>
> In anticipation of Valentine's Day, here are the
> Rules of Romance
>
> In the world of romance, ONLY one single rule applies to the men:
>
> Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
> Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
> You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
> Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
>
> Here is a guide to the point system:
>
> SIMPLE DUTIES
> You make the bed (+1)
> You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
> You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
> You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return
> withBeer (-5)
> You check out a suspicious noise ! at night (0)
> You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
> You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
> You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
> It's her pet (-10)
>
> SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
> You stay by her side the entire party (0)
> You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
> buddy (-2)
> Named Rita (-4)
> Rita is a dancer (-6)
> Rita has silicon implants (-80)
>
> HER BIRTHDAY
> You take her out to dinner (0)
> You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
> Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
> And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
> It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
> the colors of your favorite team (-10)
>
> A NIGHT OUT
> You take her to a movie (+2)
> You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
> You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
>! ; You take her to a movie you like (-2)
> It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
> You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
>
> YOUR PHYSIQUE
> You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
> You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
> You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and
> baggyHawaiianshirts (-30)
> You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
>
> ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
> She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
> You hesitate in responding (-10)
> You reply, "Where?" (-35)
> Any other response (-20)
>
> COMMUNICATION
> When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what
> looks
> like a concerned expression (0)
> You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
> You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
> She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
>
> Now what chance do you have?
 
Blonde

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
 
Management

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. " "You must be an I.T. technician", says the balloonist. "I am", replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
 
Eat Healthy

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
 
The Schitt Family History

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and
because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!
 
MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
 
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.His parents had tried
everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards,special learning centers. In short, everything They could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first Day, little Zachary came home with a very Serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread Out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at Work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down To dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back To his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great
surprise, Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and
shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to The plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

NOT intended to offend anybody...!!
 
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