• We welcome content that is not political, divisive, or offensive. If we feel your content leans this way or has the potential to, it may be removed at any time. A hot pepper forum is not the place for such content. Thank you for respecting the community!

jokes?

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.


OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend

1. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
2. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
3. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
4. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Ponderisms

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
6. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
7. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
8, Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
9. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
10. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
11. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
12. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
13 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
14 Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
 
Seniors on a Little Road Trip

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses
on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving
about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a
distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to
return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old
man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly
during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more
agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman
got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old
geezer yelled to her. 'While you're in there, you might as well get my
hat and the credit card!'
 
Speaking of Senior Moments


‘WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?’ The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly
demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.


‘Ma'am,’ said the newspaper employee, ‘today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not
delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.’


There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of
recognition. . . as she was heard to mutter, 'Well shit ... So that's why no one was at church today.'
 
Pants vs Panties


Mike was going to be married to Karen so his
Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I
took off my pants, handed them to your Mother,
and said, 'Here - try these on'.'

She did and said, 'These are too big. I
can' t wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.' Ever since that
night, we have never had any problems.

' Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be
a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants
and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too
large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will. I don't want you
to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed
them to Mike. She said, 'Here- you try on mine.'

He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't
change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
 
GRANDMAS DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING......

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.

'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.'
 
SANTA'S TREE

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
The fishing trip

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Yesterday, when I left work , I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'.....

So, Here I am!"
 
CHINESE PROVERBS (old ones but still funny)
 
 
 
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. 
 
 
Man who run in front of car get tired. 
 
 
Man who run behind car get exhausted. 
 
 
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 
 
 
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. 
 
 
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok . 
 
 
Man with one chopstick go hungry. 
 
 
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. 
 
 
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 
 
 
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. 
 
 
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth. 
 
 
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. 
 
 
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. 
 
 
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 
 
 
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. 
 
 
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. 
 
 
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. 
 
 
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. 
 
 
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. 
 
 
Man who fart in church sit in own pew. 
 
 
Crowded elevator smell different to midget. 
 
Signs
 
 
 

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon : 
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

On a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip.  Call your plumber.."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee !
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: 
"Hello.  Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg.  We want tows." 

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push.  Push.  Push"

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." 
 

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff." 

In a Podiatrist's office: 
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome!  Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.  We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!"

At the Electric Compan y:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully.  We'll wait."


At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills." 

On another Septic Tank Truck in Oregon : 
"We're Number One in Number Two."



 ​
And the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: 
"Best place in town to take a leak."
 
Three  little ducks go into a Bar..............................
 
 
"Say,  what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
 
"Huey,"  was the reply.
 
"How's  your day been, Huey?"
 
"Great.  Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a  duck want?" said Huey.
 
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned  to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
 
"Dewey," came the  answer from duck number two.
 
"So  how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
 
"Great. Lovely day. I've  had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a  duck want?"
 
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you  must be Louie?"
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"No,"  she said, batting her eyelashes.
 
"My name is Puddles."
 
Not sure if this is really from UPS, but still clever responses......
 
 
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.  
 
 
 
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.  By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.  
 
 
 
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 
 
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.  
 
 
 
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
 
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.  
 
 
 
P: Something loose in cockpit 
 
S: Something tightened in cockpit  
 
 
 
P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
 
S: Live bugs on back-order.  
 
 
 
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent 
 
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 
 
 
 
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
 
S: Evidence removed.  
 
 
 
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
 
S: DME volume set to more believable level.  
 
 
 
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
 
S: That's what friction locks are for.  
 
 
 
P : IFF inoperative in OFF mode. 
 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.  
 
 
 
P: Suspected crack in windshield. 
 
S: Suspect you're right.  
 
 
 
P: Number 3 engine missing. 
 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.  
 
 
 
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) 
 
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.  
 
 
 
P: Target radar hums. 
 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.  
 
 
 
P: Mouse in cockpit. 
 
S: Cat installed.  
 
 
 
And the best one for last.................. 
 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
 
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
Hostile Motorist
 
 
 A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a 
 real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to
 know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells
 him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade,
 questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather
 explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
 
 The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with
 writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
 narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for 
 his signature.
 
 The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his
 copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The 
 officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face 
 and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"
 
 Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record
 he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent 
 him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
 Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
 reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
 
 The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his 
 signature and mine, same number at the top."
 
 Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
 citation you don't normally make?"
 
 Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an
 "AH , underlined."
 
 Attorney: What does the AH stand for, officer?
 
 Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
 
 Attorney: Aggressive and hostile"
 
 Officer: "Yes Sir?
 
 Attorney: "Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
 
 Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do !"
 
Short Jokes....
 
 
 
[SIZE=medium]Quickie #1
A woman came home, screeching her car into the
driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the
top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"  The
husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" 
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the heck out."

Quickie #2
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the 
other is a husband.

Quickie #3
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. 
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." 

Quickie #4
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." 
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

Quickie #5
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, 
her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some
more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn 
them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER 
listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt
them.   You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! 
THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"  The wife stared at him. "What in the world is
wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" 
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."

Quickie #6
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina 
mountain man, was drafted by the Army.  On his first day in basic
training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared[/SIZE]
off all his hair.  On his second day, the Army   issued  Herman a toothbrush. That 
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.  On the third day,
the Army issued him a jock strap.  The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years 
 
Social Security
 

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the
woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home "I
will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security
office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
 






 
 
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.    How do you control your anger?
 
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.
 
puns_can_be_both_witty_and_stupid_simultaneously_640_02.jpg
 
A Chinese guy comes into the pub, stands next to me and start drinking.

I said to him "Do you know any of those martial arts like Kung-fu, ju-jitsu or karate?

He says "Why da fuk you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinese?"

"No" I said, "it's because you're drinking my fucking beer!"
 
A doctor says to his patient,"I have some bad news for you, and some worse news."

The patient asks,"What's the bad news?"

Doctor replies,"You have 24 hours to live."

Patient asks,"What's the worse news?"

Doctor says,"I forgot to call and tell you yesterday. "
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top