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jokes?

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What's a Scarecrows favorite hairstyle ?   Corn Rows  :lol: 
 
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. 
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. 
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. 
"How does it work?"
"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. 
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For *&^% sake, you idiot, it's 2 in the ()&(^)(&() morning!!"
 
Dude gets pulled over for speeding in SC. The trooper walks up to the window and knocks. The guy then rolls down the window. The trooper then slaps the hell out of the guy. The guy shouts " what was that for?" The trooper explains that "this is South Carolina, when you get pulled over, you have your window down, license and registration in hand, I shouldn't have to knock on the window to get it." With that, he goes back to his car to write a ticket.
 
A few minutes later he goes back to the driver and hands him a ticket. He then goes to the passenger side and knocks on the window. The passenger then rolls down the window. The trooper then slaps the hell out of the passenger. The passenger yells "what did you slap me for?" The trooper explains that "I was just granting you your wish."  "What do you mean?" the passenger asks. The trooper says "Let's be honest, I know and you know that as soon as this traffic stop had ended and you guys got back on the the road, you would have said to your friend  'I wish that sonofabitch would've hit me like that!'
 
A little boy answers the telephone and in a whispered voice says "hello." The caller, recognizing it was a little kid asks if his mom was home. Again whispering the kid says "yes but she is busy." "How about your dad is he home?" the caller asks. In hushed tone the kid replies "yes but he's busy too." The caller now getting a bit flustered asks "are there any other adults in the home?" Quietly the kid replies "yes there are policemen here." "Can I speak to one of the cops?" the caller asks. The little boy again replies in low tone "no they are busy too." The caller now at wits end, shouts "all the adults in your house are busy?" "Yes" the little boy replies quietly. "What are they all doing?" he bellows. The kid answers softly "Looking for me."
 
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful..

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, undaunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation, I'll have some!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you place your order now, we will be sure to save you this delicacy for tomorrow"

The cowboy placed the order and the next evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor ... sometimes the bull wins."
 
Old west. An hombre walks into the saloon, broke and starving, trying to think of a way to hustle some grub. He sees an old man at a table with a huge bowl of chili in front of him. The old man is just staring at the bowl in a trance like state. The guy walks up to him and says "old man, are you gonna eat that chili or just stare at it all night?" Without saying a word, the old man slides the bowl over and hands him a spoon. The starving dude grabs the spoon and begins to devour the bowl of chili. He barely stops for breath. When he reaches near bottom of the bowl he sees a dead rat. More than he can stomach, he pukes it all right back into the bowl. The old man says "yep, that's about as far as I got too."
 
A man feels really sick. He goes to his doctor. Realizing that whatever the patient had (he didn't know what it was) that he was way over his head as a general practitioner. So he immediately admitted him to the hospital and called in some specialists. They ran a battery of tests on him, blood samples, hair samples you name it. Then the activity ceased. The patient looked at the clock on the wall and realized that four hours had passed and no one had come back into the room.
 
He became panicked and worried. Just about the time he was about to lose his mind, one of the specialists enters the room wearing a completely self contained hazmat suit with a breathing apparatus sounding like Darth Vader. Now he's really about to come unglued. "My God" he shouts "Doc what's wrong with me?" He tearfully questions. The man in the hazmat suit then says "Gonna be straight with you. You have a mutated AIDS virus, very serious, we've never seen anything like it, you are the first case, ground zero."  Now the patient is about to totally lose it. "Can anything be done?" the patient sobs. The doctor replies "well the first thing is to implement a diet of pancakes, pizza and pita bread." The patient is baffled. "Pancakes, pizza and pita bread, will that help it?" the patient queries.
"Nah, not likely" the doctor says, "it's just the only food we can slip under the door."
 
 
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
 
A man is mowing the grass in his yard when he looks to the street and sees something unusual. There are two hearses driving slowly followed by a man with a pit bull on a leash and about fifty or so other men walking behind him.
 
Overcome with curiosity, the man walks out to see what is going on. He approaches the man up front with the dog and asks "what's going on here?"  The man answers rather solemnly "this is a funeral procession for my wife." The curious man says "I'm so sorry, I had no idea, what happened to her?" The man then points to the dog and says "he was a good dog, we had him since he was a pup, but something happened the other day and he just snapped and killed my wife."  Stunned, but still curious the man says "damn that's horrible!" Then while looking ahead he asks "why the two hearses?"
"Well, my mother-in-law had been staying with us for a while and when the dog jumped on my wife she tried to help and the dog killed her too" the man replied. "My God, that's horrible" exclaimed the curious guy. "He killed your wife and your mother-in-law, that's just horrible."  They walked together in silence for a few moments when the curious guys asks "hey bud, ah, you think I might could borrow your dog?" "Sure"  says the man while pointing backwards "get in line."
 
A family had just made the difficult decision that "mom" who was wheelchair bound, needed to go to an elderly care home. They searched around and decided on a place that was highly rated, had nice amenities that they could afford. 
 
So the "first day" came to move mom into the facility. The whole family was there, spoke with the staff and everyone felt comfortable about leaving her there. So everyone left for work etc.. leaving mom at the facility. An orderly wheeled her around, giving a nice tour. After breakfast, an orderly took her to the day room and parked her in front of a large window that overlooked a swan filled lake. Shortly afterwards, a staff member noticed the elderly woman cocked very sideways in the wheelchair about to fall out. He ran over quickly and then propped her back upright. They din't want any incident to occur (especially on the first day) so a close eye was kept on her. The scene repeated itself many times throughout the day. The lady would be leaning way over in her wheelchair and staff members would come running to prop her back up so she wouldn't fall.
 
That afternoon, some family members returned to find out how things were going. They had lots of questions for mom. "How is the food?' They queried. Mom answers "very nice, very tasty and large portions." "What about your room, do you like it?" They asked. She replies "my room is very nice, larger than I need and I have a great view of the rolling hills outside." She then offered "I don't think I am gonna like it here though, the workers are not very nice." Shocked, the family members ask "what do you mean they aren't nice?"  "They won't let you fart" mom replies.
 
After boarding a commercial jet, a passenger is getting comfortable in his seat waiting for take-off. A gentleman with a dog approaches and sits beside him. Curious, the passenger asks the man about his dog, noting that it didn't appear to be a service dog and he thought pets were prohibited. The man puts his finger up to his mouth and says "Please shhh, I'm an Air Marshall and this is a drug detection dog." 
 
After a minute or so the passenger asks very softly "are you like on-duty and working?" "Yes" the man replies, "when we get up in the air and leveled off we will begin a search." The passenger was excited, he'd seen TV shows but this was real life. He began thinking that this was going to be a cool story to tell his buds when he got back home.
 
Some 30 minutes after take-off and the pilot had turned off the seat belt signs, the Air Marshall gave the dog a command. The dog walked down an aisle and stopped by a row of seats and sat. He then lifted one paw and set it back down. The passenger watching intently asks the Air Marshall "he raised one paw, what does that mean?" The Air Marshall replies "someone in that row has marijuana, I'm making a note and upon touchdown we will find out who it is." "Man this is so cool!" says the passenger.  A little while later the Air Marshall again gives the dog a command. He walked a little further down, stopped by a row of seats and sat. The dog lifted one paw, put it down, then lifted the other and put it down." "He raised two paws this time, what does that mean?" asked the passenger. "Someone in that row has cocaine, we will find out who when we land" he replied. "Oh man this great" the excited passenger said. A while later the Air Marshall gives another command to the dog. This time he walks in opposite direction down the aisle. He stops at a row of seats, begins shaking violently, sh*ts himself and comes back whimpering. "What does that mean?" The passenger asks. Nervously, the Air Marshall replies. "Oh fu*k! He found a bomb." 
 
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