Music teacher: "What's your favorite musical instrument? "
Fat kid:"The lunch bell."
Fat kid:"The lunch bell."
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jokes?
- Thread starter t0mato
- Start date
A little Indian boy asks his mother how she came up with his name and his siblings names. "Well" she says, "The moment your Sister was born, I looked out of the teepee and the first thing I saw was a Running Deer. That's why her name is Running Deer. The moment your brother was born, I looked out of the teepee and the first thing I saw was a Soaring Eagle. That's why his name is Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?".
What's 40' feet long and has only 14 teeth?
The front row at a Garth Brooks concert.
The front row at a Garth Brooks concert.
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
A man was playing golf behind an attractive woman. A little ways into the round he forgot what hole he was on and asked the lady in front of him.
Woman: "Well I'm on the 6th hole and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 5th hole."
He thanked her and kept playing. A while later he lost track again and asked the woman where he was.
Woman: "Well I'm on the 12th hole and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 11th hole."
He thanked her and kept playing. Later in the round it happened once more.
Woman: "Well I'm on the 17th hole and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 16th hole."
He thanked her and finished his round. He went into the clubhouse for a beer and saw the lady again. He walked over to her to strike up a conversation.
Man: "Thanks for your help today. What do you do for work?"
Woman: "I don't want to tell you, you'll laugh at me."
Man: "No I won't, I promise."
Woman: "Well it's kind of embarrassing, I sell feminine hygiene products."
At this the man starts laughing so hard he almost falls to the ground.
Woman: "See, I told you you would laugh."
Man: "But not why you think! I sell toilet paper so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Woman: "Well I'm on the 6th hole and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 5th hole."
He thanked her and kept playing. A while later he lost track again and asked the woman where he was.
Woman: "Well I'm on the 12th hole and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 11th hole."
He thanked her and kept playing. Later in the round it happened once more.
Woman: "Well I'm on the 17th hole and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 16th hole."
He thanked her and finished his round. He went into the clubhouse for a beer and saw the lady again. He walked over to her to strike up a conversation.
Man: "Thanks for your help today. What do you do for work?"
Woman: "I don't want to tell you, you'll laugh at me."
Man: "No I won't, I promise."
Woman: "Well it's kind of embarrassing, I sell feminine hygiene products."
At this the man starts laughing so hard he almost falls to the ground.
Woman: "See, I told you you would laugh."
Man: "But not why you think! I sell toilet paper so I'm still a hole behind you!"
A Russian man, a Venezuelan man and a Wyoming cowboy were all standing around a campfire debating who is the manliest man.
The Russian said, "In Russia, I once killed a wolverine with my bare hands!".
The Venezuelan man said, " In my country, I once killed a jaguar with my bare hands! ".
The Wyoming cowboy just stood there silently stirring the campfire coals with his penis.
The Russian said, "In Russia, I once killed a wolverine with my bare hands!".
The Venezuelan man said, " In my country, I once killed a jaguar with my bare hands! ".
The Wyoming cowboy just stood there silently stirring the campfire coals with his penis.
Why do men die before their wives?
Because, we want to.
Because, we want to.
Two older ladies were sitting on a
park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so
boring. We never have any fun anymore. For
$5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now
and streak through that stupid flower
show!"
"You're on!" said the
other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first
little old lady fumbled her way out of her
clothes and, completely naked, streaked
through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon
heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause. The naked lady
burst out through the door surrounded by a
cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked
her waiting friend.
"Why, I won first prize
for Best Dried Arrangement."
park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so
boring. We never have any fun anymore. For
$5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now
and streak through that stupid flower
show!"
"You're on!" said the
other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first
little old lady fumbled her way out of her
clothes and, completely naked, streaked
through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon
heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause. The naked lady
burst out through the door surrounded by a
cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked
her waiting friend.
"Why, I won first prize
for Best Dried Arrangement."
A man posted an ad in the classifieds which read:"Wife Wanted"
The next day he recieved a hundred letters all saying the same thing :"You can have mine."
The next day he recieved a hundred letters all saying the same thing :"You can have mine."
Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”
“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”
“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days….”
To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”
“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”
“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days….”
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
People like outlaws.
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People like outlaws.
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lrz1D3BQjYg