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Tell a dumb joke...

Teacher: Johnny, take the word "beautiful" and use it in a sentence.

Johnny: Well, last night while we were at the dinner table, my 14 year old sister told my mom and dad that she was pregnant. My dad said..."Beautiful, that's f@#king beautiful!"
 
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
 
Johnny raises his hand in class and says..."Teacher can I go to the can? I have to take a piss!"
The teacher responds with..."Johnny we don't use that word. We say urinate. Now take the word urinate and use it in a sentence." Johnny then replies...."Well my dad says urinate, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten!"
 
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
 
Bob had a real problem on his hands. Company profits were way down and it came down from the top that he had to make some serious cuts. He was told from the powers that be that he had to lay off at least one person from each department. In accounting the two people under consideration were Mary and Jack. Bob dreaded this sort of thing and he couldn't make up his mind. He thought about it awhile and decided he'd wait by the water cooler and break the bad news to whomever showed up first. Well Mary shows up first and Bob begins..."Mary, I'm really sorry but I either have to lay you or Jack off." Mary then responds.."well you'd better get some kleenex and some hand lotion 'cuz I'm really hung over!"
 
:rofl:

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the phone company guy wants to buy Mum .'
 
Mary and her husband Bob were sitting at home watching TV one evening when Mary turned to Bob and said "I have always wanted bigger breasts and am thinking about getting a boob job"

so Bob says "I know a way that you can have bigger boobs for a lot less money than getting a boob job"

Curious, Mary asks "How?"

Bob replies, "Just take some toilet paper and rub it all over your chest for about 20 seconds. Do this once or twice a day and before you know it, your boobs will be gauranteed to get bigger"

"How in the world could that possibly work?" Mary asks

"I don't know" says Bob, "But it sure has worked on your ass"

Funeral services will be announced by Serenity Hills Funeral Parlor
 
Hahaha!

Ok, here's one...


A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.


“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly.

“How did you know?”


“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”
 
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
 
Well, nobody's posted one for awhile..here's one I got today...


A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'





























The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins'.

:shocked:
 
The substitute teacher was fresh out of college where she had learned that students learn better when you taught "interactively"

Since her lesson for the next day was about nutrition, she got busy in the kitchen

The next day she informed the students that she was going to let them taste some different dishes and then have them inform her what it was they had tasted

First she passed a platter of ham around the room and all the students tasted a piece - "Now who can tell me what type of meat this is?" asked the teacher

Little Susie raised her hand and was called upon - "That is ham, also called pork and it comes from pigs" Little Susie said

"Excellent Susie!" the teacher exclaimed!

Next she passed out a platter of hamburger and had each student taste it - "Now, who can tell me what this was?"

Little Billy raises his hand then says "That is hamburger - it is also called beef and comes from cows"

"Excellent answer Billy!" The teacher exclaimed, feeling very pleased with herself

Next she passes around a platter of venison and has each student taste it - "Now, can anyone tell me what this is?" - complete silence fills the room. The teacher decides to give them a hint and since Deer is pronounced the same as Dear she tells them - "Another name for this dish is the same thing that your Mother calls your Father every morning"

Suddenly little Johnny jumps up, knocking his chair over with a loud bang!

"Spit it out!" he yells "It's assholes!!!!"
 
Bob was living at the retirement home when he met another resident named Mary. Once a week they would go to the park where they had a secluded park bench that they sat and enjoyed the morning. Bob and Mary had a little ritual where Bob would unzip his fly and Mary would hold Bob's johnson. This went on for a few months until one day Bob didn't show up. Mary was rather heartbroken and she didn't know what had gone wrong. The next week Mary decided to go to the park and revisit her and Bob's special park bench. Much to her surprise, Mary arrived to find Bob there with another woman whom had Bob's wang in her hand. Mary was in disbelief and stormed right up to the couple and blurted out..."Bob!! What are you doing with this hussy and what does she got that I haven't got?"

Bob sheepishly looked up at Mary and replied....."Parkinsons."
 
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blond woman with a black belt in Karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is a blond and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.


"Now, think about it seriously, sir. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"



The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters.



"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 
98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT!' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE REDNECKS AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'


:D
 
Funny Pix:

irresistable_to_women.jpg


moses_cheats_at_fishing.jpg


gonna_be_a_crappy_day.jpg
 
Not really a joke but funny none the less..

Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.



For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.



Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.



An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.



Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.



They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head!



These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.



Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.



***How about recruiting Women over 50 ....with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Lord!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!



Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
 
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. .. . ... .. ..


(scroll down)










"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 
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