texas blues said:
I GAAAR-ON-TEE!!!!
-
We welcome content that is not political, divisive, or offensive. If we feel your content leans this way or has the potential to, it may be removed at any time. A hot pepper forum is not the place for such content. Thank you for respecting the community!
Tell a dumb joke...
- Thread starter The Hollyberry Lady
- Start date
I GAAAR-ON-TEE!!!!
WTF???
How I learned to mind my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
what was going on.....
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
what was going on.....
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low, and the
heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.
However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.
In India almost no one drinks red wine, and the heart disease ratio is
lower than in the United States and the UK.
In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine, and the heart disease ratio
is lower than in the United States and the UK.
In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very low, and the heart
disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.
In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy, and the heart disease ratio is
lower than in the United States and the UK.
Conclusion: Drink, eat and have sex all you want. It's speaking English that kills you.
heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.
However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the heart disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.
In India almost no one drinks red wine, and the heart disease ratio is
lower than in the United States and the UK.
In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine, and the heart disease ratio
is lower than in the United States and the UK.
In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very low, and the heart
disease ratio is lower than in the United States and the UK.
In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy, and the heart disease ratio is
lower than in the United States and the UK.
Conclusion: Drink, eat and have sex all you want. It's speaking English that kills you.
and since the title of this is dumb jokes - here is one of my fav dumb ones
So this monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint - come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend"
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint
After a while the lizard says his mouth is a bit dry and that he's going to get a drink from the river
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side
He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out
He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint
He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"
The monkey looks down and says "DAYUM DUDE! how much water did you drink?"
So this monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint - come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend"
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint
After a while the lizard says his mouth is a bit dry and that he's going to get a drink from the river
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side
He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out
He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint
He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"
The monkey looks down and says "DAYUM DUDE! how much water did you drink?"
How to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Johnny and his mom live alone since Johnny's dad ran off with the babysitter. Been almost a year since the divorce. Johnny comes home from school one day and as he's walking down the hall to his room he hears some moaning. His mom's bedroom door is slightly ajar and he peeks in. Dear old mom is on the bed pleasuring herself and moaning..." I need a new man....I need a new maaaaan." Johnny thinks nothing of it and goes on to his room.
A week later Johnny comes home from school and hears moaning. Dear old mom is at it again. " I need a new man...I need a new maaaaaan." Johnny of course being only in the sixth grade, pays it no mind.
A couple weeks later Johnny comes home from school. Again he hears the moaning sounds and again he peers through the jarred door. But this time there is an actual man on top of her! Rammin' and slammin'! Johnny runs to his room, shuts the door, unzips his fly and starts wanking!
"I need a new bike....I need a new biiiiiike!"
A week later Johnny comes home from school and hears moaning. Dear old mom is at it again. " I need a new man...I need a new maaaaaan." Johnny of course being only in the sixth grade, pays it no mind.
A couple weeks later Johnny comes home from school. Again he hears the moaning sounds and again he peers through the jarred door. But this time there is an actual man on top of her! Rammin' and slammin'! Johnny runs to his room, shuts the door, unzips his fly and starts wanking!
"I need a new bike....I need a new biiiiiike!"
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex. She spent the next hour just
rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
After having great sex. She spent the next hour just
rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
QuadShotz
Banned
Not good enough?
Ok....
What's the difference between Presidential Peas and sperm?
Monica never got to taste peas.
-AND-
some dude walks into work in the morning with a big hangover.
"so you were drinking hard last night," says his co-worker.
"yeah. i was so wasted, i was blowing chunks," says the dude.
"well isn't regular to vomit after a night of drinking"
"no, you dont get it. chunks is my dog, dude"
Puppy love, gone so wrong...
Ok....
What's the difference between Presidential Peas and sperm?
Monica never got to taste peas.
-AND-
some dude walks into work in the morning with a big hangover.
"so you were drinking hard last night," says his co-worker.
"yeah. i was so wasted, i was blowing chunks," says the dude.
"well isn't regular to vomit after a night of drinking"
"no, you dont get it. chunks is my dog, dude"
Puppy love, gone so wrong...
hAHHAHAHAahaha, also bWASHAHHAHAHHA. good one quaddy!!
There were three men and they were charged with crossing a desert. After being allowed to choose one item to take with them that isn't water, John chooses a car door, so he can roll down the window when it gets too hot. Bob chooses a flag, could be helpful to keep the sun off him he rekons. Jack chooses NOTHING, thats right, NOTHING.
Only Jack was spotted completing this grueling task, when asked how he did it he replied simply "Jacky Jacky he no fool, he drink water from his tool"...
There were three men and they were charged with crossing a desert. After being allowed to choose one item to take with them that isn't water, John chooses a car door, so he can roll down the window when it gets too hot. Bob chooses a flag, could be helpful to keep the sun off him he rekons. Jack chooses NOTHING, thats right, NOTHING.
Only Jack was spotted completing this grueling task, when asked how he did it he replied simply "Jacky Jacky he no fool, he drink water from his tool"...
A burning building. A smoke filled room. 2 male firefighters, having sex with each other. Chief walks in. "What the hell is going on here?" One firefighter responds..."Sir..I'm treating this man for smoke inhalation.." Chief asks.."did you give him mouth to mouth?" Firefighter responds..."how do you think this shit got started?"
A woman was at her hairdresser ' s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It ' s crowded and dirty.. You ' re crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We ' re taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That ' s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they ' re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We ' ll be at this exclusive little place over onRome ' sTiber River called Teste."
"Don ' t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it ' s really a dump."
"We ' re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That ' s rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He ' ll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You ' re going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental ' s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They ' d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it ' s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner ' s suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that ' s all well and good, but I know you didn ' t get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I ' d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What ' d he say ?"
He said: "Who f*cked up your hair?"
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It ' s crowded and dirty.. You ' re crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We ' re taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That ' s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they ' re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We ' ll be at this exclusive little place over onRome ' sTiber River called Teste."
"Don ' t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it ' s really a dump."
"We ' re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That ' s rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He ' ll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You ' re going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental ' s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They ' d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it ' s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner ' s suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that ' s all well and good, but I know you didn ' t get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I ' d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What ' d he say ?"
He said: "Who f*cked up your hair?"