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JOKE TIME!!!!

Good Trade

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of
the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of
thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small
talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of
chocolates. I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then
speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade."
 
Always Proofread

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church
by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from
copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes
to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone
made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down
into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk
gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging
his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we
missed the "R"!
His forehead is bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was CELEBRATE!"
 
So... since I can't tell a joke about Politics, can I tell a Ronald Reagan joke???

Saved ya some time, Capt. I edited that one myself.
 
Tina Brooks said:
So... since I can't tell a joke about Politics, can I tell a Ronald Reagan joke???

Saved ya some time, Capt. I edited that one myself.
Click to expand...

Tina, what's the deal? You come back for one day and already have one thread closed down for politics. Get off it already!
 
DEFCON Creator said:
Tina, what's the deal? You come back for one day and already have one thread closed down for politics. Get off it already!
Click to expand...

How about you tell ME what the deal is, John.

How about that... Jonathan accused the government of propaganda, and you called it "apolitical" then invoked both socialism and Stalin, but "I" got the thread closed down??? LMFAO.

You write a joke about President Clinton and it's fine, I write one about George Bush and suddenly it's "Politics".

Got a problem with it??? Complain to a mod... He'll edit my posts for you. I don't work here anymore and I only edit when necessary. If you can't take a political joke, I suggest you stop telling them.

After all, I seem to be the only one being accused of talking "politics"... Fine for everyone else and their dog.

Do tell. I guess I'm confused on the meaning of the word... It doesn't mean "politics" it just means "George Bush".

What is the deal with that anyway, huh???

When you figure it out babe, just let me know. mkay?

Frankly, it sounds like a case of someone's bias showing to me.
 
Tina and John.....play nice.

If there's gonna be jokes about politicians then there can be jokes about ANY politicians. Hell....99% of them ARE jokes. ;)

But, if you guys are gonna fight about it then were gonna have to make yet another rule and they're already too dang many in my book!

Banning political jokes next....sheesh!
 
Why do driver's education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday's?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday the Sex Ed class uses it.
 
The Raffle

Kenny, a teenage redneck who lived near Austin, Texas, bought a
donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day. But when the farmer drove up the next day he said, "I'm
sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "I can't do that. I already went out and spent it."
Kenny said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is
dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
apiece and made a profit of $998.00."
> The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny said, "Just the
guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
 
Billy Bob and Bubba

Billy Bob was walking down the street and up pulls Bubba in a brand new pickup.
Billy Bob asks Bubba where he got the new truck.
Well I was at the dance on Saturday night and this really good looking girl starting tell me about her brand new pickup, and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride in it. I told her I would..
We went out of town on the highway and then she pulled off on a dirt road, and then she pulled off into the woods..
She got out of the truck and took off all her clothes, and said "Bubba you can have anything you want"

Billy Bob said that was really smart of you Bubba,...... Because those clothes never would have fit you...
 
Poor Old Joe

Joe was killed in a major traffic accident, his body severely burned.

At the morgue they needed someone to identify the body. Joe had no relatives living in the area, but there was two guys he was with all the time.

They had these two guys come down to the morgue and try and identify the body.

The Coroner brought the body in and they looked, and then asked if they could turn the body over.

One guy stepped up close and looked at his butt, then he told his friend to take a look, and he did the same. then they said this isn't Joe.

The Coroner, a little confused asked how can you say this isn't Joe just by looking at his butt?

Well they said, everytime we were out with Joe everybody would say.

"Here comes Joe with the two A**holes"
 
The Barber

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can
get a haircut?", the barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "how long
before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around at shop full of
customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
a haircut, but then doesn't come back.". A little while later, Bill comes
back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did
he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your
house!"
 
Grandmother

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly
asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing? "The
operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room
number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly
Finkel,
room 302. The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her
record
says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her
blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has
scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday." The Grandmother said, "Thank
you. That's
wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The
operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The
Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit!"
 
A Little Twisted Humor

Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the

Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll

see what I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's

2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I

could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you

bring da fingers?"



To which Ole replied:







"How da **** was I suppose to pick dem up?"
 
Husband and Wife

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "! Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: " S**T "
 
EMAIL

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.



When the Angel returned he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not"..



God thought for a moment and said,



"Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."



So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.



When the angel returned he went to God and said "Yes, it's true the Earth is in a bad way; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."



God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep doing good.



Do you know what the E-mail said?







Just wondering.................. I didn't get one either
 
Parking Place

Paddy was driving down the street in a hurry because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up beer."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,

"Never mind. I found one."
 
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