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JOKE TIME!!!!

I was at a job interview the other day, and everything started out well until he looked at my resume and asked me "I see you were in the military. Have you ever been abroad?"

"No," I said, "I've always been a dude!"

I didn't get the job.
 
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own brand new shirt. "damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If my wife finds out, she's gonna kill me."
"Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Why are there two twenties?" she asks.
The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too."
 
I've gotta clean one after that dirty one^

What did the female strawberry say to the male strawberry?

If you didn't get so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam...
 
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "Whats with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "It's drivin' me nuts!"
 
A man walks into a Tijuana strip club, and is immediately propositioned by a hot senorita at the bar. They leave together and go to the young lady's apartment. The man drops his shorts, and she drops her dress revealing a rather large penis. The guy gets irate and proceeds to beat on the transvestite until the ruckus attracts the local police. The man is arrested and throw into the paddy wagon. After a few minutes one of the cops opens the door.
"We have strict laws here in Mexico. But for $20 I might be persuaded to let this one slide."

"$20 dollars? Here's $40, I'm going to go up there and beat that bi#$& again!"
 
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"NO," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
 
Texas Blues took his two buddies Jay and Dan, hunting in Alaska.
They procured a Bush pilot, and he flew them out into the Alaskan wilderness,
Dropped them and all or their gear off, and assured them he would be back in one week.

After the week was up, they each had an Elk, a Caribou, and some Salmon.
When the pilot landed and saw everything that needed to be loaded into the small plane, he said
"There's NO WAY all that will fit into the plane!"
TB, "aww come on man, it will fit!"
Pilot, "no way... We'll NEVER get off the ground!"
Jay, "Are you kidding me? We had twice that amount last year..."
Dan, "yeah, last year..." (Brooklyn accent)
TB, "c'mon man, we"ll give you all three cans of our left over beer"...

After about a half hour of TB and his buddies berating the pilot, he finally agrees and they load the plane.
They get all of their gear, game, and themselves stuffed into the small plane.
The pilot taxis way out to the far edge of the meadow, and starts to accelerate for take off... FULL POWER,
with the three jokers in the back cheering him on....

Well, they get off the ground, but they clipped the tree tops at the edge of the meadow, and the plane goes down, throwing them, and scattering all the contents of the plane everywhere.
After a few minutes they all come-to, and Dan says, "where the hell are we?..."
TB laughs and says, "it looks like about 300 feet further than last year" :rofl:
 
How did Pinocchio discover that he was made of wood?
His right hand caught fire.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts will cost you at least a dollar, while deer nuts are always under a buck.


An old man goes to a Social Security office to apply for benefits but forgets his Id. The social worker says, "Just unbutton your shirt."
The old man complies, and the social worker says, "The gray chest hairs are all the proof I need," and gives him his check.
The man tells his wife, who responds, "If you'd dropped your pants, you'd have gotten disability, too!"
 
A woman puts an ad online requesting a man who won't hit her or leave her and is a great lover.
A few days later her doorbell rings and she finds a man with no arms and no legs at her door.
He says to her, "I have no arms, so I can't hit you, I have no legs, so I can't run."
She responds, "But the last part...."
He grins and says, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"


Why do bulimics love KFC?
Because it comes with a bucket.

How do you cure bedwetting?
With an electric blanket.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Because he heard the refs were blowing fowls.

How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods?
Pretty hot!
 
dog-lost.jpg


A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he says. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh,yes," he said. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
 
I just bought a race horse today, I named him My Face. I don't care if he wins or not, I just want to hear a bunch of people yell "Come on My Face!"
 
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