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JOKE TIME!!!!

North vs South

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses



The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.



The North has double last names, The South has double first names.



The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.



The North has green salads, The South has collard greens



The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.



FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH:



In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in

a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.

Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they

live for.



Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same

store.......do not buy food at this store.



Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's'

is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here,

are ya?"



Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to

use it.



Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't

understand you either.



The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's

vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol,"truck or big'ol" boy. Most

Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of

them are in denial about it.



The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.



Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.



If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should

stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever

say.



Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns,

they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.



In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green

lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.



AND REMEMBER:



If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will

accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the

oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.



Have a good day! Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I

reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it.
 
Good ol' Montana, where:

The wind is faster than your truck.

You own more than four pairs of gloves.

Every other vehicle is a 4x4.

The sun goes down and you immediately grab your coat.

In March your vehicle is 43% mud.

You leave your keys in your car and the next morning it's still there.

You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.

Wolves are naturally free and house cats are on a leash.

You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced as "crick".

The elevation exceeds the population of your town.

Monday night football starts at 7:00, instead of 9:00.

The jug of milk on your porch is frozen.

Your vehicle is broken down on the highway and someone stops to help you ... and you trust them!

You can pay for a "Big Mac" with a personal check.

There's a Bison in your lane.

Your central heating system is fueled by large logs.

You can see the stars at night.

People drive 200+ miles to shop at a mall.

Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.

You got a set of new snow tires for Valentine's Day.

Your minister shows up Sunday morning wearing Carhartt coveralls.

More than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is Elk.

The term "wind chill factor" is part of your daily vocabulary.

The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.

Your backyard smells like sagebrush (or the nearest feedlot).

You put on a pair of snowboots to get the morning paper.

You enjoy a hot chocolate more than a margarita.

A girls' basketball game fills the school gym.

You put the car heater on your list of best friends.

You slept through the night undisturbed by a siren ... or a train!

A rodeo is more popular than a Madonna concert.

Tractors are a normal part of traffic.

You use your back porch as a freezer from October thru May.

Your telephone book is smaller than most magazines.

You have made jerky at least once in your life.

You think it's normal to replace your cracked windshield every spring when you take off the studded snow tires.

Dressing up means wearing a clean flannel shirt and jeans that aren't too dirty

You pronounce Kootenai as "COOT-nee".

You can tell it was a bad winter because there are only 50 or 60 deer grazing at the edge of town.
You've seen so many bald eagles you don't even pay attention to them anymore.

You go around in shorts when it's 45 degrees (F) outside.

You think a blacktop road (without stripes) that averages 12 feet wide qualifies as a highway.

You consider someone a neighbor if they only live 6 or 7 miles away.

You wave to every car on the highway, whether you're on foot or driving or even sitting on the creek bank with your back to the road.

You ignore the center line and drive on whichever part of the road is smoothest, driest, or feels safest.

Your idea of Mexican cuisine is Elk Chili and Bear Tacos.

You know what "Montana Potatoes" are.

You've patched your jeans by using duct tape. (Doesn't everyone?)

Your local Radio Shack sells guns, chainsaws, and satellite dishes.

You love the BIG SKY!
 
What Things On Your Resume Really Mean


I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
 
Strange Facts of Technology


Aircraft Carrier
An aircraft carrier gets about 6 inches per gallon of fuel.


Airplanes
The first United States coast to coast airplane flight occurred in 1911 and took 49 days.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight (120ft).


Aluminum
The Chinese were using aluminum to make things as early as 300 AD Western civilization didn't rediscover aluminum until 1827.

Automobile
George Seldon received a patent in 1895 - for the automobile. Four years later, George sold the rights for $200,000.


Coin Operated Machine
The first coin operated machine ever designed was a holy-water dispenser that required a five-drachma piece to operate. It was the brainchild of the Greek scientist Hero in the first century AD.

Compact Discs
Compact discs read from the inside to the outside edge, the reverse of how a record works.

Computers
ENIAC, the first electronic computer, appeared 50 years ago. The original ENIAC was about 80 feet long, weighed 30 tons, had 17,000 tubes. By comparison, a desktop computer today can store a million times more information than an ENIAC, and 50,000 times faster.

From the smallest microprocessor to the biggest mainframe, the average American depends on over 264 computers per day.

The first "modern" computer (i.e., general-purpose and program-controlled) was built in 1941 by Konrad Zuse. Since there was a war going on, he applied to the German government for funding to build his machines for military use, but was turned down because the Germans did not expect the war to last beyond Christmas.

The computer was launched in 1943, more than 100 years after Charles Babbage designed the first programmable device. Babbage dropped his idea after he couldn't raise capital for it. In 1998, the Science Museum in London, UK, built a working replica of the Babbage machine, using the materials and work methods available at Babbage's time. It worked just as Babbage had intended.


Electric Chair
The electric chair was invented by a dentist, Alfred Southwick.

E-Mail
The first e-mail was sent over the Internet in 1972.

Eye Glasses
The Chinese invented eyeglasses. Marco Polo reported seeing many pairs worn by the Chinese as early as 1275, 500 years before lens grinding became an art in the West.

Glass
If hot water is suddenly poured into a glass that glass is more apt to break if it is thick than if it is thin. This is why test tubes are made of thin glass.

Hard Hats
Construction workers hard hats were first invented and used in the building of the Hoover Dam in 1933.

Hoover Dam
The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. The concrete in it will not even be fully cured for another 500 years.

Limelight
Limelight was how we lit the stage before electricity was invented. Basically, illumination was produced by heating blocks of lime until they glowed.

Mobile (Cellular) Phones
As much as 80% of microwaves from mobile phones are absorbed by your head.

Nuclear Power
Nuclear ships are basically steamships and driven by steam turbines. The reactor just develops heat to boil the water.

Oil
The amount of oil that is used worldwide in one year is doubling every ten years. If that rate of increase continues and if the world were nothing but oil, all the oil would be used up in 400 years.

Radio Waves
Radio waves travel so much faster than sound waves that a broadcast voice can be heard sooner 18,000 km away than in the back of the room in which it originated.

Rickshaw
The rickshaw was invented by the Reverend Jonathan Scobie, an American Baptist minister living in Yokohama, Japan, built the first model in 1869 in order to transport his invalid wife. Today it remains a common mode of transportation in the Orient.

Ships & Boats
The world's oldest surviving boat is a simple 10 feet long dugout dated to 7400 BC. It was discovered in Pesse Holland in the Netherlands.

Rock drawings from the Red Sea site of Wadi Hammamat, dated to around 4000 BC show that Egyptian boats were made from papyrus and reeds.

The world's earliest known plank-built ship, made from cedar and sycamore wood and dated to 2600 BC, was discovered next to the Great Pyramid in 1952.

The Egyptians created the first organized navy in 2300 BC.

Oar-powered ships were developed by the Sumerians in 3500 BC.

Sails were first used by the Phoenicians around 2000 BC.


Silicon Chip
A chip of silicon a quarter-inch square has the capacity of the original 1949 ENIAC computer, which occupied a city block.

Skyscraper
The term skyscraper was first used way back in 1888 to describe an 11-story building.

Sound
Sound travels 15 times faster through steel than through the air.

Telephones
There are more than 600 million telephone lines today, yet almost half the world's population has never made a phone call.

Television
Scottish inventor John Logie Baird gave the first public demonstration of television in 1926 in Soho, London. Ten years later there were only 100 TV sets in the world.

Traffic Lights
Traffic lights were used before the advent of the motorcar. In 1868, a lantern with red and green signals was used at a London intersection to control the flow of horse buggies and pedestrians.

Transistors
More than a billion transistors are manufactured... every second.

VCR's
The first VCR, made in 1956, was the size of a piano.

Windmill
The windmill originated in Iran in AD 644. It was used to grind grain.

World Trade Center
The World Trade Center towers were designed to collapse in a pancake-like fashion, instead of simply falling over on their sides. This design feature saved hundreds, perhaps thousands of lives on Sept. 11, 2001, when they were destroyed by terrorists.
 
Couple goes on their honeymoon...
As they are undressing the guy pulls off his pants and geez...what ugly knees...his new wife notices and asks "what's wrong with your knees?" The guy says "when I was little, I had Kneezles"...she said measles don't you mean...he said no, Kneezles with the knees.

As the dressing continues, he pulls off his socks....again, his toes were so crooked and bent they looked like an alien...she notices and asks..."whats wrong with your toes?"...he said when I was little, I hat Tolio...she says polio don't you mean....he says, no, tolio with the toes...

The final straw came when he took off his shorts.....the girl started giggling and pointing at his wanker...she said...Don't tell me......





You had Small Cox...
 
Forgive my poor translation:
An elderly married couple sits in the living room and watches TV, when the husband suddenly says: "Dear, I've had this fantasy for years and wasn't sure how to ask..."
Wife: "Well, what is it?"
Husband: "I would really like you to give me a blow job! I never had one..."
Wife: "Wh...what? 75 years we're married and I have never done such a thing!"
Husband: "Please, just this one time and I will never ask of you again"
The wife agrees and indeed gives her husband a blow job. when she finishes (or more precisely he "finishes") the husband gets up and says: "Now go make some coffee you cocksucker!"
Click to expand...
:lol:
 
.............OK ;)

I may be repeating....but..

Bill went hunting in Alaska with his BIG new gun.

He successfully shot and killed large female bear. He trotted happily toward his kill when he suddenly felt a paw on his shoulder....

"That was my wife!", said the huge brown bear "Now I'm either gonna maul you to death...or have my way with you! You pick."

Bill didn't much like either option, but he wanted to live, so he chose option 2.

The next year, after much therapy and thought, Bill decided that he had to find that bear and exact his revenge on it by killing it.

Indeed, he managed to track down that bear and shoot it. While enjoying his sweet revenge, he felt a tap on his shoulder. Looking around he saw an enourmous Grizzly. In a bizarre twist, this bear offered Bill the same options: Painful bear sex, or a painful death.

Since he was still alive the next year, you know what he chose.

Sooooooo he went back again. Again he found the rapist bear and killed it. Again (you would think that he would look over his shoulder by then) the tap on the shoulder.

The huge bear behind him just looked at him for a minute and shook his head.

"Bill", he said, "It's obvious that you don't come out here for the hunting."


;)
 
cheezydemon said:
.............OK ;)

I may be repeating....but..

Bill went hunting in Alaska with his BIG new gun.

He successfully shot and killed large female bear. He trotted happily toward his kill when he suddenly felt a paw on his shoulder....

"That was my wife!", said the huge brown bear "Now I'm either gonna maul you to death...or have my way with you! You pick."

Bill didn't much like either option, but he wanted to live, so he chose option 2.

The next year, after much therapy and thought, Bill decided that he had to find that bear and exact his revenge on it by killing it.

Indeed, he managed to track down that bear and shoot it. While enjoying his sweet revenge, he felt a tap on his shoulder. Looking around he saw an enourmous Grizzly. In a bizarre twist, this bear offered Bill the same options: Painful bear sex, or a painful death.

Since he was still alive the next year, you know what he chose.

Sooooooo he went back again. Again he found the rapist bear and killed it. Again (you would think that he would look over his shoulder by then) the tap on the shoulder.

The huge bear behind him just looked at him for a minute and shook his head.

"Bill", he said, "It's obvious that you don't come out here for the hunting."


;)
Click to expand...


You so infringed my copywrite ..... calling lawyers.

{i stole it fair & square}

"No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep
up."
- Lily Tomlin
 
Bad news

I thought this was cute my daughtor got it as an e-mail

SAD NEWS...

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is s urvived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 
Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota :
>> >>
>> >>If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling
>>through
>> >>18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food
>> >>will
>> >>swim by, You might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96
>>nights
>> >>each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the
>> >>nation,
>> >>
>> >>you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too
>> >>spendy",
>> >>you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
>> >>you
>> >>might live in Minnesota
>> >>
>> >>If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work
>> >>there, you might live in Minnesota .
>> >>
>> >>If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle
>>of
>> >>his forehead, you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might
>> >>live
>> >>in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might
>> >>live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>If you know how to say...Wayzata ..Mahtomedi,....Cloquet ...
>>Edina
>> >>..and Shakopee, you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live
>>in
>> >>Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>Vacation means going "up north" for the weekend, you might live
>>in
>> >>Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>You measure distance in hours, you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>You know several people who have hit deer more than once, you
>>might
>> >>live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day ...and
>>back
>> >>again, you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
>> >>blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events, you
>>might
>> >>live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
>>both
>> >>unlocked, you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison,
>>you
>> >>might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows
>>how
>> >>to
>> >>use them, you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's
>>Fleet
>> >>Farm at any given time, you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
>>you
>> >>might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
>> >>with
>> >>snow, you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
>> >>road
>> >>construction, you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>You can identify a southern or eastern accent, you might live in
>> >>Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
>> >>your
>> >>blue spruce, you might live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>Down South to you means Iowa , you live in Minnesota.
>> >>
>> >>A brat is something you eat.
>> >>
>> >>You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
>> >>
>> >>You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all
>> >>your Minnesota friends.
>> >>
 
The IRS sent my tax return back! AGAIN!!!!
I guess it was because of my response to the question......" list all dependents "
I replied.....
12 million illegal immigrants
3 million crackheads
42 million unemployable people on food stamps
2 million people in over 243 prisons
& 535 fools in the U.S. house & senate.
Apparently this was NOT an acceptable answer.
 
LIE DETECTOR

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!'
'What dvd?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps The mum!
 
A southern married couple are sitting on the couch watching the evening news.

"Them thar' homo seckshul's are destroyin' our marital institution. We should go up thar' to San Francisco and show em' that marriage is between one man and one woman. Ain't that right sweetheart?"

"Right daddy!"
 
RODNEY THE ROOSTER


This farmer has a bunch of hens that are not producing many eggs. So one morning he goes out and buys a young horny rooster in an effort to get his hens back into an egg laying mood. He names him Rodney. Well that first day Rodney lays every hen on the farm and at the end of the day the farmer finds Rodney making it with a horse. The farmer walks over to Rodney and says "You've gotta slow down or you're gonna kill yourself!"

The next day Rodney lays every hen and the horse again, and at the end of the day the farmer finds rodney making it with a sheep. The farmer walks over to Rodney and says "I told you, you better slow down or you're gonna kill yourself!"

The following morning Rodney lays the hens, horse, sheep and a couple pigs as well. The farmer finds all his animals passed out from exhaustion.

In the middle of his field the farmer sees Rodneys legs sticking straight up with buzzards circling over head. The farmer walks up to Rodney fearing the worst and says "See, I told you if you didn't slow down, you'd kill yourself." Just then Rodney opens one eye and says "Shhh, buzzards."
 
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