A wise man once said, "Girl who fly upside down, have hairy crack-up"
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JOKE TIME!!!!
- Thread starter bubbaschili
- Start date
inset tina's head exploding smiley here
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed
Mother Theresa goes up to heaven and sees Saint Peter. After talking for a little while, Saint Peter gives her a halo. A few days later, as she is walking down one of Heaven’s roads, she sees Lady Diana walking the other way, upon close examination, she sees that Lady Diana has a bigger halo. Upset about this, she confronts Saint Peter and says, “Hey, Saint Peter! You know who I am. I have spent my entire life going from country to country helping the starving and poor, hands-on. I just saw Lady Diana, a rich bitch who threw some charity functions, and she has a bigger halo! “What’s the deal!” Saint Peter looks at her and states, “Mother Theresa, that’s not a halo, that’s a steering wheel.”.
President Clinton invites Monica Lewinsky into his office. Upon enetering, he closes the door and asks her if she would like to see his clock. She replies, “Sure.”. He then drops his pants revealing his jewels. She looks down and says, “That’s not a clock Mr. President.”. He replies, “Sure it is. All it needs is two hands and a face on it.”.
An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big
under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You darn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks". Old man yells back, "You darn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of
duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."
under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You darn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks". Old man yells back, "You darn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of
duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum,
a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you
like a bed near the window?"
this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum,
a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you
like a bed near the window?"
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide.The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
Cyanide?"The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
some cyanide.The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
Cyanide?"The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life, until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he
asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash
up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I
found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove
the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable, ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly
falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat
with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb
struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call
it home sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No. No, thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut
juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a
Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you
like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the
bathroom
cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers
strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias. She beckons for him
to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been
out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing
for all these months?" She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in
hers.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean," he swallows excitedly
and tears start to form in his eyes,
" I can check my e-mail from here?"
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life, until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he
asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash
up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I
found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove
the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable, ductile
iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly
falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat
with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb
struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call
it home sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No. No, thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut
juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a
Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you
like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the
bathroom
cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers
strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias. She beckons for him
to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been
out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing
for all these months?" She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in
hers.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean," he swallows excitedly
and tears start to form in his eyes,
" I can check my e-mail from here?"
Mommy, mommy, I hate Billy's guts!
Shut up and keep eating!
Shut up and keep eating!
DEFCON Creator said:
What's green, red, and spins?
Kermmit the Frog in a blender.
What's black, white, black, white, black, white?
A nun falling down the steps.
Kermmit the Frog in a blender.
What's black, white, black, white, black, white?
A nun falling down the steps.
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So
what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, for the love of God, put down the gun!'"
morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So
what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, for the love of God, put down the gun!'"
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*#king map again."
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*#king map again."
Hey, I know a good joke when I see one, but Politics, is off-limits. 
Shopping for Sausage
A man walks up to a store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find
the Polish sausage?"
The clerk Looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I
was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I
was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was
Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did
you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for a Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
A man walks up to a store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find
the Polish sausage?"
The clerk Looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I
was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I
was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was
Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did
you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for a Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
Horse Race
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Janice opened a letter from
home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had
sent.
Sister Janice smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the
window, she noticed a shabbily-dressed stranger leaning against the lamp
post below.
Quickly, she wrote: "Don't despair. - Sister Janice" on a piece of paper,
wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention, and tossed it out
the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled
expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Janice was told that a man was at her door,
insisting
upon seeing her. She went down, and found the shabbily-dressed stranger
waiting. Without a single word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
What is this, Sir?" she asked.
"That is the $8,000 you have coming, Sister Janice," he replied. "Don't
Despair paid 80-to-1."
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Janice opened a letter from
home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had
sent.
Sister Janice smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the
window, she noticed a shabbily-dressed stranger leaning against the lamp
post below.
Quickly, she wrote: "Don't despair. - Sister Janice" on a piece of paper,
wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention, and tossed it out
the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled
expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Janice was told that a man was at her door,
insisting
upon seeing her. She went down, and found the shabbily-dressed stranger
waiting. Without a single word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
What is this, Sir?" she asked.
"That is the $8,000 you have coming, Sister Janice," he replied. "Don't
Despair paid 80-to-1."