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Serious question about marriage, mine inparticular.

Necrocannibal

Necrocannibal

Let me start off by saying I love my wife very much and have dedicated my life to her.


Now with that said I dont feel like Im getting the same back. When we first got together it almost broke up my entire family because she was seeing another family member who is really hot headed but I stuck it out with her. I am in worst financial scenario with her than without but I love her so Im still with her, we have been married for almost 2 years.

Now the root of this question lies in her friend(s) which she has seemed to take a liking to over me for the past few months. One in particular who I cant say anything about except she is a low life backstabbing POS and needs to be locked in a burning building.

Anyway she is a very bad influence on my wife, has single handidly kept her smoking when she was trying to quit, she has lied to her husband about a convo we had and told him I yelled at her and cursed more than anyone in her entire life causing a huge blowup between us reulting in friendship disbanment, has "peer pressured" my wife into meeting her for lunch and making sure she drinks enough to smell like an alcohol factory and is slurring when she returns for work ( my wife is one of those "cant say no" people ) and has tried to get my wife to snort crystal meth with her because she needs another junkie to ruin her life with.


Ok I flat out told my wife I dont ever want to see or hear her name again shes bad news. Well they cried until I agreed to let them go have dinner one night a week with each other, which they have gone against numerous times and my wife will call me and say she needs a friend, no she needs a fucking rehab and boot in the ass, and wants to go out more than the one night. Well here today I am sick home from work and Im waiting to eat lunch with my wife as she comes home from lunch and what call do I just receive?? You guessed it, shes going out to lunch with her friend.

So here I am sick and havent eaten all day waiting on my wife to eat with her and she calles me to hang with out with this POS. Am I wrong for being a tad pissed off and about to tell my wife to chose one or the other and cut my losses if Im not the one?? I mean it really looks like Im not.
 
In all honesty, I would say call it quits. It's not with the agrivation, emotional suffering, financial distress. I've known alot of those same "I can't say no" people and they are always locked in that mode. You can't change/train them (believe me, I've tried to help one or two of them in my time, it just doesn't work).

Write a dear jane letter and leave. I sympothise for ya dude.
 
I'd have to agree, but maybe as a last resort let her read what you wrote here and it that doesn't make her see how serious this is to you, THEN go.
 
Thx for the replies. I really dont want to leave her because I care more about her than myself but I feel like she cares about me when its convenient. She tells me she really loves me more than anyone shes ever loved before but deos it sound like she does to you honestly?? Maybe shes never really loved anyone so her "care" for me is nothing more than her enjoying my friendship moreso than anyone shes ever met?

Funny thing is is we never argued about anything until this siutation with this bitch arose and now we kind of argue every other day.


In all honest do I have a legitimate gripe with this? Am I being too much of an ass about it? Or does it look like how it feels and Im getting thrown to the side in favor of someone else?
 
Simply cut your losses and move on...life is too short to be unhappy....I was in the exact same situation many years ago with a live-in...it is really hard to do but if you love yourself, you have to move on...then one day, look back at this and laugh...JMO
 
I agree with all three of the guys and I hate to tell some one to leave there wife be cause it is against my beliefs. But brother if what you say is true do not let the door hit your ass on the way OUT.
Dan




LET IT BURN
 
No you are not being an ass or making too much of it. Her "friend" puts her health and marriage in jeopardy.

Give her the ultimatum, her friend or you. Period.
 
No ultimatums. They never work in your favor.

Once again, sit down with her and tell her your concerns and what you're seeing from your point of view. Also let her know that if things don't change, YOU will be the one making the change and she's not going to like it much.
 
DevilDuck said:
No ultimatums. They never work in your favor.

Once again, sit down with her and tell her your concerns and what you're seeing from your point of view. Also let her know that if things don't change, YOU will be the one making the change and she's not going to like it much.
Click to expand...


Wow DD I like that. You should look at ousting Dr Phil and start up your own Dr Duck show.
 
Hey Necro, I really feel for you dude. I am very cautious to offer advice on such a personal matter.

DD has a really good point. No ultimatums. I am studying a leadership course at the moment, and part of it is conflict resolution ( I need help in this area too). One suggestion is the "BCF" format, where you sit down and basically say:

"This is going to cause and makes me feel ."
This is only one step of resolving conflict. Next, the other person must also put together a similar statement, and then both of you need to listen to each other, i mean really listen and comprehend what they are saying, and think of possible solutions, some of which will not be pleasant. Good relationships need excellent communication: open and non judgemental.
If you are planning this approach, make sure you are both sober, dont resort to name calling, keep the problem as the problem, dont attack the individual, and dont bring up ancient history.
Remember, it's the behaviour that you dont like, not your wife.

At some point, your wife's friend must realise, or be informed, calmly, of the damage her addiction is doing to others, and if she really does need a friend, then maybe that is why: she is driving everyone else away.

RS
 
Yiou know my sisterinlaw has a secret life from her man she doesnt work but she pays for all the grocerys,diapers anything..he drives truck and his money is his....the foker wont give her one cent..I told her to piss up a rope when she asked us to co-sign for her because she keeps all these loans hidden from him..not to be a prick but what do you think is going to happen when she goes bankrupt and he finds out.....well shes with 2 kids..I dont need that..She was blown away I took a loan and bought my wife a new car..This fucker is so anal they go as a couple to a resturant she has to pay for her own and the kids.....Ive gone of track sorry lol had to vent but if communication cant fix it maby some councilling then walk away.Oh get her to loose the friend..It comes down to compramise(lol spelled wrong)Ive had to do alot to keep my relationship going like cut back in drinkin big time...its my family its worth it....ive gone from 18 beer a day to maby a 6 pack but then again its compermise and communication and my other half putting her foot down lol side freinds that bullshit that cause shit are a pain in the ass im glad my wife isnt that way but but I see it all the time..that point now im carrying on and listening to what im typing....try to get some counceling its like having a non related 3rd party that can judge both fare and square and give good advice
 
ring sting said:
Hey Necro, I really feel for you dude. I am very cautious to offer advice on such a personal matter.

DD has a really good point. No ultimatums. I am studying a leadership course at the moment, and part of it is conflict resolution ( I need help in this area too). One suggestion is the "BCF" format, where you sit down and basically say:

"This is going to cause and makes me feel ."
This is only one step of resolving conflict. Next, the other person must also put together a similar statement, and then both of you need to listen to each other, i mean really listen and comprehend what they are saying, and think of possible solutions, some of which will not be pleasant. Good relationships need excellent communication: open and non judgemental.
If you are planning this approach, make sure you are both sober, dont resort to name calling, keep the problem as the problem, dont attack the individual, and dont bring up ancient history.
Remember, it's the behaviour that you dont like, not your wife.

At some point, your wife's friend must realise, or be informed, calmly, of the damage her addiction is doing to others, and if she really does need a friend, then maybe that is why: she is driving everyone else away.

RS
Click to expand...

Very good words. This applies to a fair amount of situations but with people that have the "just can't say no complex" it won't do a lick of good. She'll agree to your side then trundle off and be pushed over by the mean "friend" and you'll be in the same situation.
 
Yes, IGG, this method does work best with rational, motivated, and assertive (NOT aggressive) people. Passive people will fail in this method, perhaps because they lack the will to follow through with the solution. But, it is worth a try in the first instance.
 
First of all make sure you're happy. make sure you're living the life you want and deserve.
After that if you truly love her, try to help her with her problem. just make sure it doesn't come at the expense of you and your happiness.

Good luck.
 
I totally agree with Omri. Don't stay in an unhappy relationship at your own expense. It will never work out and you will be the one that suffers.
 
No chick is worth getting so upset that you have to write it up. If it's that bad, get rid of her. No chick is worth sacrificing my happiness, that's for sure.
 
man sorry to hear it.Went through it with my x.Had to determine if she was an asset or liability.Wasn`t bring anything positive into the house.Hard to do but the best choice I ever made.best wishes
Rich
 
Uh... sounds like you two are not equally doin the same thing -- Sounds like you two have switched roles and you are the bitch.... Have you gone out with YOUR friends or do you sit and wait for her sometimes? whats good for the goose is good for the gander and maybe just maybe she can see it from your point of view ...and I certainly hope there isnt any children involved of yours. The first few years are the hardest in a marriage and its those times that will either make you stronger or make you bitter. Im sure she has already tried meth or whatever the "POS" has on her -- Hire a PI to follow her if there is doubts. Sounds like a young marriage I dont know your ages but it seems that she doesnt have her act together or giving what it takes to continue and you are willing to let it happen. Sometimes being a man is standing up to what you believe in and not giving in.

My .02 --
 
Cut your losses - dump and run. The longer you wait, the harder it will be, and the more of your life you will have wasted.
 
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